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#1
Dec 23, 2007, 11:15 PM
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I thought that I was going to be OK ... thought that this break actually wasn't going so bad ... but i just have a horrible feeling about everything.
I'm scared to see my mom ... spend time with her. How horrible is that? How horrible of a daughter am I ... I should be on my knees thanking the lord that i have a healthy family, yet here I am, letting the depression take over, and turning everything against me in the form of anxiety, paranoia, and selfishness. I sit here and i just want to dissolve into the floor. Evaporate and just fade away. I don't want to have to see more relatives, give more hugs, and talk about how much i'm loving my life right now. "Loving" being the key word.. there's only so much a girl can pretend. I want to cry, or scream, or do something. But there is a full house here, and i'd only make matters worse. I need my old T. I need my old "mom". And yet i can't even let myself think about them. When I think about them, or even about my life when i was with them, i get this horrible feeling of dread. Dread knowing that they will never be a part of my life again, and dread because I don't think I'll ever be able to truly be happy without them in my life. I hate myself for not wanting to be here, not wanting to be with these people, and for not being happy. I'm such a selfish person for it all.. yet i can't help but feel the way i do. I don't know what to do anymore ......  
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The unexamined life is not worth living. -Socrates |
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#2
Dec 23, 2007, 11:18 PM
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jacq. you are not selfish not in any way...dont ever feel that way. answering your pm now.
colleen hugs
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Tomorrow always has the potential to be better than today. lets pretend its tomorrow...ok? |
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#3
Dec 23, 2007, 11:24 PM
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((((((((((((((( jacq )))))))))))))))
 
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#4
Dec 24, 2007, 12:06 AM
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(((((Jacq)))) i hope you're not hard on yourself, the world will do that for you...
look inside, there is a beautiful person there... you may not feel it or believe it now, but it is the cloudy haze that is hiding it... dont smile, dont be happy if it feels fakey... i know all about that... had to do it at work all these years and its hard and it hurts.. take your time and give patience and count your strengths, the ones you can believe in, and those smiles will come naturally.. those are the best kind to have.. |
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#5
Dec 24, 2007, 12:15 AM
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((((((((((((((((((((((jacq)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) I am sorry you are so overwhelmed right now. Holidays and added people around can definitely do that to me. Your feelings are not "right" nor "wrong". They are what the are and that is ok. Please try and not let them make you feel bad. I don't have the answer but know I am here and I understand.
BB
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#6
Dec 24, 2007, 02:21 AM
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Jac, it's not your fault you're feeling this way so you're not selfish. Just try to take care of yourself and get through the holiday the best you can.
Cyran0
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My blog: http://cyran0.psychcentral.net/ Dx: Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, PTSD (childhood physical/sexual abuse), history of drug abuse. Meds: Zoloft, Lorazapam, Coffee, Cigarettes "I may climb perhaps to no great heights, but I will climb alone." -Cyrano de Bergerac |
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#7
Dec 24, 2007, 03:23 AM
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(((((((Jacq))))))
So sorry you are feeling so sad....wearing a mask is hard, I hear you hon...know you are not selfush in any way, your feelings are validated and just, you are allowed to feel this way...If possible, take some time out and be by yourself a while, but not too long, dont withdraw, know we are thinking of you.... Hugs, Jinny xxxxx
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#8
Dec 24, 2007, 11:06 AM
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Thank you all SO much for your replies. I was not in a good place last night, but thanks to a good friend I made it through and am feeling much better about things this morning... still a little anxious, but (for now) things are ok.
's and 's to you all from the bottom of my heart... you are all wonderful people.
__________________
The unexamined life is not worth living. -Socrates |
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