[Bookworm257]

I am feeling su!c!dal.

On the one hand, I keep trying to tell myself that suicide is dumb and selfish, but on the other I feel like no one likes me or wants anything to do with me anymore.

I am away from my friend because he moved across the country. I knew him for literally our whole lives. Without him, I feel like there a hole in my life. I made a new friend, and he is a great person, but I can't shake the feeling that I just annoy him and that he secretly thinks I'm awkward and stupid- despite him being like the nicest most genuine person ever.

My dog just had to be put down, and I guess that created another hole in my heart. She was strong spirit and a great friend. Dogs are the friends that are there no matter what, never judge, and are always down to cuddle.

I'm currently failing my math class because I was su!c!dal a few months back (a different time from now) so I stopped participating in school unless it was out of boredom. I have been trying to raise my grade, studying hard, but the semester is almost over and I'm worried I won't make enough learning targets to get past a D, if even that. I need to graduate so I can go to the community college and learn more about prgramming so I can have a decent career. If I don't graduate at all, who knows what my life will be like.

I got my first job a few months back, and I like working there because focusing on my work allows me to forget about all the other problems, physical and emotional. I like my job, and my coworkers are all great people. So I guess I have one little thing going for me.

I feel like my existence isn't worth anything. I have been a quiet person, and I don't do a lot of social things. I'm not in any school clubs or organizations, and I feel like I have no importance to world around me.

I'm constantly screwing things up and annoying my parents. Most of this is due to my forgetfulness and clumsiness that comes from my ADHD, but I still feel bad about it. I know in the back of my mind that they love me, but sometimes I just annoy them to the point that I don't feel like I am loved, but a burden.

Last time I saw my friend who moved away, he told me he was depressed. I had a dream the other night that he was driving down the street, but he was doing it erratically, and in the wrong direction, and he died. I cried about that dream, and I was disturbed by it.

I feel like I could burst one of these days and have a big panic attack or just start crying for hours or something. I feel like I could slip back into another episode of depression any moment. I don't know what to do. I feel lost, but I don't want to talk to my parents about this stuff because I can't explain to them that I'm failing a class, because I con't tell them I was suicidal, but if I don't explain that they'll just get mad at me and assume I'm lazy, or just don't care about my future, you know?

I am thinking maybe I should just end it. I have always had emotional problems due to a trauma that happened to me when I younger. I am no longer upset by the traumatic event itself, but I've had an episode of depression every year since like 2014.

Sorry if some of this is tmi or whatever, but I just needed someone to listen.

[Nammu]

I have no words. * sits quietly with you*

[Sometimes psychotic]

Have you told your parents about this? A lot of us didn’t get help in high school, but think back and wish we had said something earlier because it could change the course of our lives to get the right therapy or medications. Hugs.

[MickeyCheeky]

First of all, I am SO SORRY for your Loss and for the Death of your Dog! Take ALL the time you need to Grieve! I feel like you're struggling A LOT with self-doubt and self-esteem. My advice would be to work on that. Are you already seeing a Therapist right now? I'd suggest to see one if you aren't as I feel like that would be REALLY helpful to you right now! Please do speak out to your parents about this. I am sure they DO Love you but unfortunately when we're Depressed and when we have a low opinion of ourselves. Don't let that stop you from getting help though! You deserve to get help and to Live a Good Life! Do what you can one step at the time. Take baby steps. I am sure you've got this! Let us know how things go for you! I am also here for you if you need someone to talk to or vent to, and I am sure PLENTY of others will be REALLY glad to listen to you as well! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Bookworm257, your Family, your Friendsa, your Parents and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK, MY DEAR, SWEET, KIND, AWESOME AND WONDERFUL FRIEND?!

[*Beth*]

Hello Bookworm, It's nice to meet you I commend you for reaching out about how you're feeling.

You have experienced devastating losses recently. I am so, so sorry about your dog. To me, nothing hurts worse than when a pet dies.

Then there's the loss of your closest friend. That would hit anyone very hard. When I was a teen my dearest friend moved across the country. We had been best friends since before kindergarten. The interesting thing is, we are both now in our 50's an keep in touch online & by telephone.

It's no wonder you're feeling completely overwhelmed.

I'm going to ask you to read something and really pay attention to what it says.
Suicide: Read This First

[Bookworm257]

Wow, thank you. It's nice to knwos someone cares.

[Bookworm257]

UPDATE: I now have a D in that class. It's not good, but it's better, and there is a chance I will get it up to a C. I might graduate after all, but I have to keep on it.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Bookworm257

Wow, thank you. It's nice to knwos someone cares.

This forum is awesome because people here know what living with a mental illness ad/or mental health challenges is like. And we really do care.

[lizardlady]

Whoa, you have a lot going on! Suicide is not the answer though. You said you can't talk to you parents about what's going on. What adult can you reach out to? Guidance counselor? Teacher? Therapist? Please talk to someone.

[mote.of.soul]

Good on you for reaching out and expressing your feelings @Bookworm257 - it's a very good approach.

Yes, the mind is a funny thing and likes to send us all kinds of false negative messages, but always cling onto the positive and the good. It's something that helps me through the roughest patches, as well.

I'm proud of you.

[*Beth*]

I'm proud of you, too! Funny...ZI just get a very strong feeling from your OP that you're a special soul.

[pliepla]

Originally Posted by Bookworm257

I am away from my friend because he moved across the country. I knew him for literally our whole lives. Without him, I feel like there a hole in my life. I made a new friend, and he is a great person, but I can't shake the feeling that I just annoy him and that he secretly thinks I'm awkward and stupid- despite him being like the nicest most genuine person ever.

Would you stick around someone who only annoys you?


That - admittedly annoying - question being asked, know that this forum is a place where people will listen.