[TishaBuv]

I feel trapped and I am not. I choose to stay miserable. Depression is anger turned inward. I just accept this is my fate while I pray for relief. I passively hope some external force will end my suffering in some way. I’m not sui. I don’t dislike myself, I do love myself.

I can’t get my needs met because he doesn’t comprehend or have the ability to deliver, no matter how effectively I explain. I can’t let go of my deep seeded need. Trauma based need for redemption. I accept I’ll never feel what I need to feel.

[Yaowen]

I wish I knew what to say, TishaBuv. I'm so sorry you are suffering!

[LilyMop]

I’m very sorry you feel so sad. I wish I knew what to say or do to make it better. It’s hard to accept things and find inner peace. Don’t give hope on that at least.

[Fuzzybear]

I'm sorry you're suffering

[Cardooney]

what do you need to feel, want to feel? Hugs to you

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by Cardooney

what do you need to feel, want to feel? Hugs to you

I want to feel safe in my feelings of security and permanence in my situation and relationships. I want to feel loved by my ‘loved’ ones because I love, and act like I love them. I show them my love. Too many of them now have shown me they do not really love me. They don’t have my back. Some have done a complete turn on me, even though I have done nothing but been good to them. It sounds like I am misinterpreting...but I’m really not.

[TishaBuv]

My emotions can be controlled by my attitude. For the first time since what happened with my son, I slept through the night and woke not thinking about him. I had a deal on my mind that may happen instead. It was nice to think about something else and feel optimistic about moving forward, but this deal is stress that I don’t need. If it doesn’t happen, good.

I’m still clashing with h, but handled it by getting out to buy food. I am taking care of myself better with healthy food, rest, no arguing.

I re-read all the texts between me and my sister, who I’ve had a fallout out with. I was under the misconception that she ever had reached out to me or had empathy about anything. She never had. It was not out of character for her to act with no empathy and not a care. I assumed someone would act that way, but it is not who she is.

I feel better about this now. I’ll still be cordial if I ever see her. I really can’t get past that she did not give us one word of support in what happened with our son.

So all my relationships are what they are and they are all sufficiently comforting as I accept what they are. My son’s personality changed completely. I’ll keep hope that he warms to us and loves us once again someday. I learned a lot about myself. No matter what my child would ever do to me, I still love them. Truly unconditional love. Although I did not allow him to treat us horribly and humiliate us, I will still be his loving mother should he ever want me. I love him for all he was and I wish him well in whatever he wants in his life.

The rest of the family who don’t contact me or any friends who couldn’t treat me with respect and walked away... it’s fine and I accept them all for who they are.

I am blessed with many good relationships and my goodness. I have proven that I may get down, but I am not out. It is my responsibility to take good care of me.