Feel like I lost my place in this world

I believe I lost my right to live this life, to have a future here. For almost all my life I never felt like I belonged anywhere. In the years that matterd I only focused on drugs or finding a way to die. I barely graduated and now try to study a subject I don't feel interested in. But there is nothing left anymore that interests me even when I am not depressed af.

After all those years I threw away I feel like I lost any chance or right to have a meaningfull life. I never belonged but now I most certainly never will. Life now is just from one depressive episode to the next while everytime taking one part of me with it and never giving it back.

The only option reasonable to me is death because I have lost so much time and no matter how much I try, I can never make up for the time I lost. Times where I should have just done what everyone else does:Taking steps forward.
Now I am far behind seeing everyone growing up while I am still stuck with my ********. Stuck with my distgusting, boring, ugly self. Forever. An unloved moody, whiny and anxious piece of crap. My social anxiety or AvP or whatever is just showing how weak I am.

Therapy is uselss. I live a (mostly) normal life. I am surrounded with friends and family. I do the things I am supposed to do. So what should therapy improve really?

It is annoying how this **** just repeats itself over and over again. I am tierd of going through it again and again. And for what? Nothing really.

Thanks for sharing this. I don't really have anything to offer. I just wanted to leave a brief reply letting you know I read your post. And I wish you well...

I’m sorry you are feeling as such. I do know it’s horrible.
Have you tried to go to a professional to see what things you may do to improve your situation?
Nowadays, there are lots of meds, therapies that may help you.
Are you finding support to openly talk about what you are going through?

I am seeing a therapist at the moment but he is not very helpful. He already said he doesn't know what to do with me so I took it in my own hands and went to doctor to at least have meds to help me through it. Not feeling like they are helping either

Thanks! It is always good to know that people are listening(or reading in this case)

It must be very frustrating not finding any kind of relief.
Hope you don’t throw the towel. I can guess how hard it is that your own psychologist tells you that (s)he can’t do anything else for you.
I know few people whose psychologists told them that they coudn’t do anything else for their clients.
Surely, you have been diagnosed with a personality disorder.

Have you tried to look for people who may have the same as you? You know...you can share experiences with them and see what they have done.

I have social anxiety so for me it’s easier because I have a bad situation but there are also good moments when I release myself and charge energies to go forward.

You have to know exactly what you have to be able to find a solution. I’m referring to comorbid deseases. Maybe some of them have a solution.
I don’t know... I guess all what I’m telling you, has been heard by you before...

I don't know for certain what my diagnosis. There was social anxiety, autistic traits and now Avoidant personality disorder. Though Social anxiety or AvPD sounds more reasonable. But for now it is enough to know where my problem areas are and they focus on social interactions. I also started to talk in both forums to the people with the same problems so it is alright for now, I guess

I stressed on the diagnosis because many personality disorders have illness such as depression as comorbid, and in your thread it seemed to me your doctors haven’t found so far an effective treatment for this.
I myself suffer from depression and I’m now in a tough moment when I’m feeling very depressed so I understand why you barely can contemplate a tiny hope. I will have an appointment with my psychiatrist and see if we have to adjust the medication. What else can I do? Maybe, you will find the right medication, or the right professional. These things sometimes take time.

I noticed you said they were focussed on the interaction part. What are your thinking about it? For me it would be a very reduced work and not the one more productive btw, but this is my personal point of view. In cases as yours.

I did not mean to argue with you I just feel like nothing is really working. It just holds it off until it doesn't.

Interaction mostly is talking with other people. Spending an evening with friend or family. Even online chatting can make me nervous or tense. Which is why I need to work on that. I feel like all my friendships are fading and I think that I am the reason behind that.

Your title spoke to me immediately. I really feel it.