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Member
Member Since Feb 2020
Location: Germany
Posts: 83
4 34 hugs
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#1
I believe I lost my right to live this life, to have a future here. For almost all my life I never felt like I belonged anywhere. In the years that matterd I only focused on drugs or finding a way to die. I barely graduated and now try to study a subject I don't feel interested in. But there is nothing left anymore that interests me even when I am not depressed af.
After all those years I threw away I feel like I lost any chance or right to have a meaningfull life. I never belonged but now I most certainly never will. Life now is just from one depressive episode to the next while everytime taking one part of me with it and never giving it back. The only option reasonable to me is death because I have lost so much time and no matter how much I try, I can never make up for the time I lost. Times where I should have just done what everyone else does:Taking steps forward. Now I am far behind seeing everyone growing up while I am still stuck with my ********. Stuck with my distgusting, boring, ugly self. Forever. An unloved moody, whiny and anxious piece of crap. My social anxiety or AvP or whatever is just showing how weak I am. Therapy is uselss. I live a (mostly) normal life. I am surrounded with friends and family. I do the things I am supposed to do. So what should therapy improve really? It is annoying how this **** just repeats itself over and over again. I am tierd of going through it again and again. And for what? Nothing really. |
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Disreputable Old Troll
Member Since Oct 2015
Location: The Star of the North
Posts: 32,762
(SuperPoster!)
8 17.4k hugs
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#2
Thanks for sharing this. I don't really have anything to offer. I just wanted to leave a brief reply letting you know I read your post. And I wish you well...
![]() __________________ "I may be older but I am not wise / I'm still a child's grown-up disguise / and I never can tell you what you want to know / You will find out as you go." (from: "A Nightengale's Lullaby" - Julie Last) |
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![]() MickeyCheeky, Whereto52
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Nov 2014
Location: Spain ( the land of flowers and gladness, lol!)
Posts: 3,825
9 1,758 hugs
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#3
I’m sorry you are feeling as such. I do know it’s horrible.
Have you tried to go to a professional to see what things you may do to improve your situation? Nowadays, there are lots of meds, therapies that may help you. Are you finding support to openly talk about what you are going through? __________________ Social Anxiety and Depression. Cluster C traits. Trying to improve my English. My apologies for errors and mistakes in advance. Mankind is complex: Make deserts blossom and lakes die. ( GIL SCOTT-HERSON) |
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![]() MickeyCheeky
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Member
Member Since Feb 2020
Location: Germany
Posts: 83
4 34 hugs
given |
#4
Quote:
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![]() MickeyCheeky
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Member
Member Since Feb 2020
Location: Germany
Posts: 83
4 34 hugs
given |
#5
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![]() MickeyCheeky
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Nov 2014
Location: Spain ( the land of flowers and gladness, lol!)
Posts: 3,825
9 1,758 hugs
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#6
It must be very frustrating not finding any kind of relief.
Hope you don’t throw the towel. I can guess how hard it is that your own psychologist tells you that (s)he can’t do anything else for you. I know few people whose psychologists told them that they coudn’t do anything else for their clients. Surely, you have been diagnosed with a personality disorder. Have you tried to look for people who may have the same as you? You know...you can share experiences with them and see what they have done. I have social anxiety so for me it’s easier because I have a bad situation but there are also good moments when I release myself and charge energies to go forward. You have to know exactly what you have to be able to find a solution. I’m referring to comorbid deseases. Maybe some of them have a solution. I don’t know... I guess all what I’m telling you, has been heard by you before... __________________ Social Anxiety and Depression. Cluster C traits. Trying to improve my English. My apologies for errors and mistakes in advance. Mankind is complex: Make deserts blossom and lakes die. ( GIL SCOTT-HERSON) |
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![]() Whereto52
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Member
Member Since Feb 2020
Location: Germany
Posts: 83
4 34 hugs
given |
#7
Quote:
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![]() winter4me
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Nov 2014
Location: Spain ( the land of flowers and gladness, lol!)
Posts: 3,825
9 1,758 hugs
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#8
I stressed on the diagnosis because many personality disorders have illness such as depression as comorbid, and in your thread it seemed to me your doctors haven’t found so far an effective treatment for this.
I myself suffer from depression and I’m now in a tough moment when I’m feeling very depressed so I understand why you barely can contemplate a tiny hope. I will have an appointment with my psychiatrist and see if we have to adjust the medication. What else can I do? Maybe, you will find the right medication, or the right professional. These things sometimes take time. I noticed you said they were focussed on the interaction part. What are your thinking about it? For me it would be a very reduced work and not the one more productive btw, but this is my personal point of view. In cases as yours. __________________ Social Anxiety and Depression. Cluster C traits. Trying to improve my English. My apologies for errors and mistakes in advance. Mankind is complex: Make deserts blossom and lakes die. ( GIL SCOTT-HERSON) |
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Member
Member Since Feb 2020
Location: Germany
Posts: 83
4 34 hugs
given |
#9
Quote:
![]() Interaction mostly is talking with other people. Spending an evening with friend or family. Even online chatting can make me nervous or tense. Which is why I need to work on that. I feel like all my friendships are fading and I think that I am the reason behind that. |
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![]() winter4me
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Grand Member
Member Since Jan 2017
Location: Denmark
Posts: 847
7 83 hugs
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#10
Your title spoke to me immediately. I really feel it.
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