[annoyedgrunt84]

Nothing feels important, nothing sounds fun or interesting, nothing seems to break through the haze in my mind which comes in everyday at different times to hang around for hours if not for the rest of the day, I was waking up to it and it seemed to lift around early afternoon now it comes in around late morning and hangs around until bedtime. Should I do something impulsive? Quit a job that feels empty and meaningless and move to someplace I've always wanted to live? Would that break through it? Should I do everything I can to ignore it, and press on? Is this something of my own doing? Is it simply a biological predilection that I have from my depressive mother? Whom I love dearly don't mistake what I am saying there. Is it simply a knowledge of the reality of the meaninglessness of it all? I feel so confused and exhausted by it.

[bpcyclist]

So sorry you are struggling. How long have you had depression? What is your med situation?

Hugs.

[annoyedgrunt84]

I went back on my anxiety meds a couple weeks ago, I'm not on any antidepressants. I often wonder if my low energy is something I have any control over, is it my fault in some sense? Is there something I can do to raise my energy levels? I get exercise nearly every day, at least a daily walk, and I mean a walk I usually have 4-5 miles on my phone when I get back home. I tried a few things a couple of years ago that were supposed to alleviate decision fatigue and they helped a little but I didn't exactly achieve everything I had hoped. I fear I'm not living up to my potential but maybe that's just a conceit on my part maybe I don't have the potential I think I might...if that makes any sense. Maybe it is just all of the world events, the virus, the unrest, maybe I should not click on a news story for at least another month. Why do I find stress paralyzing and want to get away from it and other people seem to find it motivating and energizing?

[Train of Thought]

Sorry you have to go through this.

Do you have someone to talk to? A therapist, doctor, friend etc. ?
This sure helped me sometimes when I was in a whirlwind and felt paralyzed at the same time and nearly ended up quitting my job and canceling other vital things like that.
A professional might even be able to help you find answers to all those questions and may help you determine if a jobchange can help you.
At least my therapist helps me sort through these kind of questions so that they don't crush me under them. He also supported me through the process of searching for another job which was soul crushing for me for various reasons.
Maybe you could find help like that so you don't have to fight alone.
Because you're not😊
Sure hope posting showed this and gave you some support.
Feel hugged

[annoyedgrunt84]

I just cannot seem to get out of my own way. I know I have a lot of learned helplessness that keeps me stuck in ruts for long periods of time. I also don’t have access to therapy because I don’t have insurance right now, so I’d like to move and get a job that provide me with insurance so I could get back in therapy again.

[annoyedgrunt84]

Also if I just do something completely impulsive is the only time I have ever been able to change anything about my life .

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by annoyedgrunt84

Also if I just do something completely impulsive is the only time I have ever been able to change anything about my life .

Without making or implying recommendations, some of the best decisions I have made involved a fair degree of impulsivity and local social opposition.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Rohag

Without making or implying recommendations, some of the best decisions I have made involved a fair degree of impulsivity and local social opposition.

I have found the same thing for me!