What's the point?!

puzzclar · Nov 02, 2020, 09:54 AM

Between work and school, I need a long term break. Saturday I took care of my self physically with a massage and a spa sauna trip. Sunday, I researched options for work, and I cried myself to sleep. I wanted to throw a ball/phone. I didn't throw my phone or a ball. And this morning, I'm starting to cry again.

Possible trigger:

I hate life. I don't know what I want or what my mind will let me. I need to get out of here. I need to do something, but I'm terrified. And I'm in the last two weeks of my class, I have a meeting with my boss, and I need time off. I need to take a trip, and get away. But this dumb pandemic means that it's not safe to travel. I don't know what to do. I should call out for today for work. But I also don't want to spend time home. Agggg!!!!

As my years flow, it makes it harder to see the screen. Help!!

Yaowen · Nov 02, 2020, 12:47 PM

Dear puzzclar,

I'm so sorry you are in this unhappy, unhappy situation. Wish I knew what to say that would be helpful.

Rohag · Nov 02, 2020, 04:10 PM

For me, it has always been a struggle to discern what I want from what other people want me to want.

puzzclar · Nov 02, 2020, 04:16 PM

Possible trigger:

honestly, this not knowing what to do is affecting me too much. I almost drove myself to the ER or a behavioral hospital. Even taking 1 mg of ativan didn't help. I don't know what my future includes, I'm terrified of making more mistakes. I want to sleep. I don't want to deal with work. I want to leave where I live, but I don't even know where. I'm lost, I've already had several sui thoughts today, no plan just annoying thoughts. I need to feel strong enough to talk to my boss, but I feel weak. My t is calling sometime today. I'm just In a rough spot, and I want to run away.

quietlylost · Nov 03, 2020, 10:54 AM

I think it's easy to get overwhelmed with a mountain of frustrations, anxieties, responsibilities, or needs. When I start to get into a pattern where I have a list of all the things that are wrong in my life, I realize that it adds to my feelings of powerlessness and hopelessness. When I can, I try to shift my gears and focus on what are some very small things that I can control. Maybe I can't take a vacation, but maybe I can order out for food. Maybe I can't go spend time at the movies with friends, but maybe I can text someone or watch a movie on my own.

With anxiety, it's always easy to get worked up about the what ifs. My therapist said once, "When you think about all the 'what ifs,' very few of them actually happen." I also used to have a poster in my office that read, "Worrying is like a rocking chair. It helps you pass the time but it doesn't get you anywhere." I try to remind myself of those two things. I try to remember what I don't know what will come, but I can take care of myself now so I'm prepared for whatever comes. I can also try to do my part to help influence the outcome, such as preparing a letter with things I want to say, making sure I'm taking medications and attending appointments, and talking to people in my life about my stress or depression.

It's never easy. It takes practice, and a lot of trial and error. But for me, I know myself enough to know that there are times when I feel awful and I have to tell myself, "I don't want to feel this way. What can I do to change it, even just a little bit?"

Sending you good thoughts and support.