[Trying to heal]

It's 2 am again and my head is so so loud and my soul is so so broken. The nightmares are much worse lately and I feel like I'm drowning in all this filth of my past. I hate feeling like this and I wish it would all just stop feeling so bad. When it's like this and nothing seems bright anymore I wish I could just have an answer to why it is that I'm so doomed to feel so bad. I wish there was a miracle drug to make it all go away and a "format" button in my head to wipe away all the bad data.

But there aren't any answers, no miracle drugs and no format buttons... it's only me in this space which seems to suck the light and life from my perception. There's only me and my aspirations of getting better. I am fighting so hard but sometimes I wonder why I fight so hard when giving up seems more logical and more attractive.

I will fight on and I will try harder, even though every fiber of me screams to just let go. I will fight as hard as I can because in another house not far from me are my two little angels who I would hurt so badly if I stop fighting. I only pray I have the strength to fight for another day, another hour, another minute. God give me strength for another minute

[Yaowen]

Dear Trying to heal,

I am so terribly sorry that you are suffering! People who have not been afflicted with depression have no idea how awful it is. I think you are just incredibly noble and heroic to fight for your two little angels and I hope God gives you the strength to endure. More than that, I hope God lifts the crushing weight of depression from you. You write so poetically and I think your post will help so many of us who are struggling with our own personal anguish and grief. Thanks so much for posting!

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen

[Fuzzybear]

Thank you so much for sharing.

I was thinking today of posting somewhere about my rough night last night..... I have not posted

In ''reality''... I only have one ''angel'' in this reality who gives me the ''strength'' to endure very similar to what you are describing. Yet, some others and myself at times perceive me as far from ''heroic''...

mostly those ugly voices from the past. I feel that your post is both ''well'' written and that many will relate. This particular part of the forum has been rather quiet for well over a year. I can only speculate as to why (and I accept no blame...) I am sorry for the long rant, off topic too. Thank you for being brave enough to share what is really going on with you

There is no magic pill... I can so relate to this. I have posted more than a few times in this particular forum and someone has recommended ''meds''......

I find no fault in this, meds do help many with life threatening depression. However, personally I have such severe allergic reactions this is not an option for me.

In addition, I have been accused of being a ''whiner''...(and every ugly name under the sun...... not here on pc)

ok, maybe so.....





I wish you peace and healing, however this may be for you

[Fuzzybear]

Sending hugs