[annoyedgrunt84]

I have no confidence in my ability to get my s—t together. I don’t get along with people very well so jobs especially one that might pay well are difficult for me, plus I’m crippled with fear about having to give up doing things that I do like to do studying and learning, I read a lot (at least when my head is clear) other things I do that I enjoy as well but even these things are frequently interrupted by barrages of intrusive thoughts. Arguments with people I haven’t seen in years then I am screaming at them in my head or sometimes screaming at the walls. I am just crazy. I hate myself so no one can ever love me, my job is good for me in one way, I am alone a lot so interacting with people is fairly optimal for me but the pay is crap it has no benefits which means that in the US therapy is not an option. I am very dependent on my family which makes me a loser I just have this ball of insecurity inside me and if anyone touches it I lash out. I’m just in the way but too much of a coward to do anything about it.

[Yaowen]

Dear annoyedgrunt84,

I am so sorry you are in the situation you describe. Wish I knew what to say to help.

I see you differently than how you describe yourself. Today I was in a very, very bad way and your post, the honesty and sincerity that you put into it helped me decide to go on and keep going. That was not only helpful to me but a life saving gift. Success comes in many forms. But I think helping someone in trouble and saving a life is the highest and most noble form of success there is in life. So to me, you are the very opposite of a "loser."

Being in a very low mood can sometimes affect one's perspective. During an extended period of low mood, one is prone to put oneself on trial so to speak. But these mental court trials are very odd. There is a judge, a jury and a prosecutor, but no defense attorneys. How can such a trial be fair? In your post I notice that you describe yourself in many pejorative labels. What about the good things about you? What about the fact that your post here today helped me and will help so many others struggling with our own personal pain and grief?

I think it is important to try to keep balance and perspective when one is feeling very low. There is a big difference between feeling very low and being very low. For example, a couple of men in the last one hundred years have ordered the execution of tens of millions of people through campaigns of genocide, ethnic cleansing and forced starvation. I know that you have not caused the destruction of tens of millions of people, or millions of people, or hundreds or thousands of people, or tens of thousands of people, or thousands of people, or hundreds of people and so on. So to me, you are far,far, far,far,far, away from being a low person or what you call "a loser."

Helping other people is one of the greatest, if not the greatest thing a human being can achieve in life and you have already done that. So I hope you will not be too hard on yourself. Times are hard and you bear the burden of many things which you did not ask for. These things are part of the circumstances of your life. Some of these are internal. You didn't ask for these either.

I hope you will find relief from your pain and I also hope that others here, others more knowledgeable, experienced and insightful will see your post and have better words for you than my poor words.

You may not think much of yourself, but to me, you are pretty special and I am glad that you exist in this world!

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen

[MickeyCheeky]

i don't have a lot to add to what the wise and WONDERFUL @Yaowen has already WONDERFULLY said better than i ever could. i'd simply suggest to perhaps try reading a few self-help books and articles. Things may look hard now but Please do not give up and keep striving for being the best possible person you can be as i am sure you're already WONDERFULLY doing! SEnding many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @annoyedgrunt84, your Family, your FriEnds and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

[annoyedgrunt84]

I just can't see anything that life has to offer me, nor do I see any way in which I can be of benefit to anyone else, and if neither of those conditions are met then it all starts to seem pretty pointless.