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Tmansdc
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Default Apr 21, 2021 at 01:44 PM
  #1
First of all back in March 2019 I quit anti-depressants and started trying to lose weight. I weighed 280 lbs at the time and I got down to 155 lbs. I exercised and controlled my eating quite a bit and even got quite a bit of energy back and started working and all that where as for years I just ate, sat around, goofed off etc.


However the last few months I've been struggling. I've been alternating fasting and eating but when I do eat I go way overboard I eat way way too much and although I walk a lot I don't walk near enough to burn off what I eat in fact I've been finding it hard to even fast at all lately and I can easily put away 3000 or so calories in 20 minutes and then I feel terrible and awful and upset after. Somedays I'll take lots of fat burners and fast and then feel terrible in a different way. It's just a no win situation. I've gained back 25 lbs the last three months. I'm back up to 180 lbs maybe 172 if I fast and take fat burners but up to 185 at most. I'm at 172 when I've fasted and just had water, unsweetened black tea, and black coffee without any sweetener or sugar in it not even any zero calorie stuff. So tired of this but I try to limit myself to 2000 calories even during just one meal and I feel like it satisfies me for an hour or maybe two but after that i'm hungry and unsatisfied and probably just even more ticked off that I've eaten and didn't fast completely.


I have just felt so uninterested in anything lately. I avoid my roommate and social situations and go straight to my room and just mess around on my computer but it all feels flat. I don't feel any joy. I just feel so bland and blah and flat. I used to enjoy youtube and movies and music and games and etc. but now I feel maybe between a 3 and a 6 on the scale. I feel just not interested in anything. I'm not suicidal at all nor do I even want to injure myself let alone suicide but I just feel very very blah. 3 is what I'd consider where you feel like very very down and terrible but not wanting to self-harm or commit suicide I've never felt that and to me that would be a 2 or 1 and a half out of 10.


I also fret over volume constantly too as in decibels for the ears. I always am fretting that the slightest loud noise is going to damage my hearing more I have just shy of what would start to be considered "mild hearing loss" according to ent and audiologists but I know it's worse then that I have a -15db hearing loss on average. I wear $70 bluetooth hearing protectors when I walk because I don't like earbuds even though in ears would block noise more but I don't like the way they feel I just do not like them. I'm even considering spending $100 on a pair of Peltor Tactical Sport 500 because they apparently block three more decibels then the worktunes I bought do and sound a bit better but it's the slightly better noise dampening that I am concerned about. But like I said at volumes I consider not worrying music doesn't sound good and even when I listen at around 75 or so decibels in which I still fret I'm damaging my hearing music still doesn't entertain me very well. I can't remember anything. My brain is messed up. Sure I did DXM for 12 years and stuff but I've been sober since December 20 2018.


I get distracted very easily and I just browse random stuff online webpages/videos/music/etc. but I can't really remember anything of it and I just have had really bad memory problems lately. I just can't focus, can't remember, can't enjoy, can't relax, walk while feeling like crap, worry about my weight, overeat and then fast to mitigate the weight gain and I just am so sick and tired of this. I mean I am just fed up. Just feel like a robot that had a very very primitive feeling processor installed in it just to be able to feel the slightest bits of joy and annoyance.



Also:...



Problems I've been having lately: The depression is just tearing at me and the flatness and lack of interest in things I used to like I can not go to the doctor until I lose some more weight and I do not want anti-depressants because I'm worried they will make me gain some more weight and mess with my appetite but that would be a great thing in one thing.



1. I really have a weight problem. I was 280 lbs but I got down to 155 lbs back in October. However after going to Vegas I have gained 20 lbs of that back. I used to be able to fast five days in a row. The most I've done since then is 70 hours and lately only around 36 hours. I also walk a ton and on days I fast I'll way way overdo fat burners such as Atrafen Elite, Apple Cider Vinegar, Hoodia, Garcinia, Weight Control dollar tree nature pills, and Forskolin as well as Stacker 2, Stacker 3, and Stacker B12 vitamin. I will down tons of water on those days as well and walk for up to four hours in one setting or six hours in a day.


2. Food: I eat almost up to 11,000 calories some days whereas other days I will fast, overdo fatburners, and walk a lot. I just do not feel full or satisfied after a few calories. I've tried eating one 3000 calorie meal in a day, two 1500 calorie meals, 3 1000 calorie meals, a couple cans tuna, etc. and I just do not feel satisfied. I feel like I lack leptin. I do feel better when I eat I don't feel as utter trash as I do when I walk/fatburn/fast although I do gain some weight this way.


3. Caffeine Addiction: With the fat burners and fasting I listed above I feel like complete and utter trash after a few hours. I feel very flat and uninterested after a bit and almost feel dysphoric like just my back feels tight, I feel very uncomfortable, I just feel irritated, etc. Is there a way I can wean myself off of this without the huge energy loss and tiredness one feels when stopping caffiene?


4. Memory problems: My hands and memory do not work as much as they used to like for example I find myself forgetting quite a bit then I used to and it pains me a lot. I shouldn't be having memory problems at my age I'm not even middle-aged yet and still a ways from Senior Citizen age. I do not know what I can do about this I'm sure the weird fasting/fatburning/etc. is contributing to this but otherwise I do not know.


5. Lack of Interest/Flatness: Even when I feel ok I just keep to myself and I can not get into anything I used to be interested in like I used to. I just do not find the same interest in games, movies, tv, youtube, etc. like I used to I do not know what I can do with this situation. I also ignore my roommate and go into my room to keep to myself a lot which I used to never do. I also can not enjoy music or anything anymore either and I've had some hearing loss on my right ear over the last almost two years that has caused me to not enjoy sound as much either and be deathly afraid of certain sounds to the point that I fear for my hearing even over 75 decibel or so noises.


6. Lack of focus: I can not focus like I used to either. I'm supposed to be learning how to drive but I never can focus on the manual and in order to take the test the other thing is that I want to be able to do some stuff on the side where I could earn another $45 or so a month (not more than $50) but I just do not follow through and get distracted with meaningless crap.



So what can I do to rectify all of these? I know that these are problems that need fixing and I would like some help. Thank you all very much for taking the time to read this. I know I probably should go to a doctor about this but I need to get back down in weight first (I was 165 last time I went to the doctor) and I am kind of worried about anti-depressants I mean I do have a one month perscription worth of Buproprion XL and Fluoxetine somewhere still in their packaging with the pharmacy instructions but yeah. Please help.
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Default Apr 22, 2021 at 10:44 AM
  #2
Hi Tmansdc -welcome to MSF My Support Forums. I am sorry you are suffering from depression and struggling with eating and losing weight.

I think seeing a therapist and or a support group that specializes in eating disorders would be a possible step to consider. Taking all these stimulants to lose weight might be part of a habitual pattern that you are stuck in.

A doctor might be good to check if you have a thyroid issue or other medical condition.

Another thing that might help your mood swings is to try to stabilize your life style so that you are not going from one extreme to the other.

Hope you get the support you are looking for.

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Default Apr 22, 2021 at 12:42 PM
  #3
Welcome! So Sorry that you are struggling! i agree with the wise and wonderful CANDC about seeing a therapist or a support group perhaps. i can partly relate to what you're saying as i also don't feel much passion or interest these days i think. i can understand your concerns about your own weight but i think talking this through with a pdoc perhaps may prove beneficial. i Hope you'll like the forums as we have one dedicated to eating disorders and one to depression as well. Feel free to contact the admins and moderators in case you need assistance. Explore the forums you prefer. i am also available if you need it and Hopefully many others as well if you just ask. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Tmansdc, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
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Default Apr 23, 2021 at 01:19 PM
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I'm going to make an appointment and get this sorted out. I just caved and ate 2500 calories (chocolate bar, 8oz of whole milk, two things of saltines and a tub of cream cheese). So now I am kicking myself.



I said I was only going to eat tuna but that didn't sound appetizing and I'll see if I can eat that tomorrow.



I did the fatburners and walked for five hours last night (and one in the afternoon) yesterday. I am so ashamed.
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Default Apr 23, 2021 at 02:04 PM
  #5
Be kind to yourself. Hugs. Please do not give up. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Tmansdc, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
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Default Apr 25, 2021 at 09:12 AM
  #6
Well I made an appointment for May 7th to hopefully get the memory, mood, and weight issues looked at as well as some energy issues.


I know gaining some weight lately has caused my energy and movement to suffer a bit because back in October to December I could move quite a bit better and had more energy now I find myself having to take energy pills/mio/etc. stronger/more potent stuff then just coffee/tea to get going even 75% as well as I did back then.


Hopefully I can get the eating under control and lose the 25-30 lbs again.
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Default May 03, 2021 at 12:52 AM
  #7
Tmansdc hope you can find a good balance of eating enough calories and would recommend not fasting. Fasting can disrupt your metabolism and itís better to eat 4-6 small meals than fast then binge eat with excess calories. Congratulations on losing weight in the past and hope you can find a happy medium with eating fairly healthy, exercising some, and regaining energy and less memory symptoms.

Good luck in your quest for better health.



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Default May 04, 2021 at 04:13 PM
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Originally Posted by Tmansdc View Post
Well I made an appointment for May 7th to hopefully get the memory, mood, and weight issues looked at as well as some energy issues.

I know gaining some weight lately has caused my energy and movement to suffer a bit because back in October to December I could move quite a bit better and had more energy now I find myself having to take energy pills/mio/etc. stronger/more potent stuff then just coffee/tea to get going even 75% as well as I did back then.

Hopefully I can get the eating under control and lose the 25-30 lbs again.

Good luck with the appointment and the eating! The memory/focus issues are kinda familiar to me. Like the way you linked them with your mood and that being flat. I kinda feel like there is a connection between all these things. Don't ask me though for more lol (But we are in the depression forum after all)
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Default May 06, 2021 at 10:16 AM
  #9
Do you love yourself? It's a hard question to answer sometimes but could be worth looking into the answer. Are you wanting some control back of your life?

Both are hard questions, don't let the difficulty stop you from finding peace


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Thanks for this!
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Default May 06, 2021 at 12:46 PM
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Originally Posted by puzzclar View Post
Do you love yourself? It's a hard question to answer sometimes but could be worth looking into the answer. Are you wanting some control back of your life?

Both are hard questions, don't let the difficulty stop you from finding peace


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Love yourself and have the ability and receptivity to enjoy love with others too....? Without unrealistic expectations either for yourself or for the connection with others? Maybe?
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Default May 06, 2021 at 08:51 PM
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Love yourself and have the ability and receptivity to enjoy love with others too....? Without unrealistic expectations either for yourself or for the connection with others? Maybe?
Very true, one does need to be open to connection, or have the ability to be open, before love can happen. When we set boundaries with others and ourselves we take out the unrealistic expectations because we have discussed what is real for us.

Expectations imply unrealistic, as expectations can be mainly in our thoughts.

You have started to be aware of what is happening, what action can you take to get to the next destination?

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Default May 06, 2021 at 09:20 PM
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I can relate to the feeling flat. I was on a mood stabilizer and I went off it with my doctors approval. Iím currently not in therapy or on medication. I third the suggestion to look into an eating disorder. 2k calorie is a standard amount, weight loss cuts 500. Intermittent fasting has been found to be not beneficial.

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Default May 06, 2021 at 09:53 PM
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Very true, one does need to be open to connection, or have the ability to be open, before love can happen. When we set boundaries with others and ourselves we take out the unrealistic expectations because we have discussed what is real for us.

Expectations imply unrealistic, as expectations can be mainly in our thoughts.

You have started to be aware of what is happening, what action can you take to get to the next destination?
Yeah that ability is tricky.

Immediate destination or longer term?
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Default May 06, 2021 at 10:53 PM
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Yeah that ability is tricky.

Immediate destination or longer term?
The choice is yours. I can say when we have a vision of what we want in 5 to 25 years, life improves. Our focus changes, our actions change.

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Default May 07, 2021 at 04:43 PM
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The choice is yours. I can say when we have a vision of what we want in 5 to 25 years, life improves. Our focus changes, our actions change.

lol I'm not really able to have a vision for 25 years from now. I don't really even have one for 5 years. I try to see and believe in what I'm going to do the next few days/next few weeks. A few basics for the next few months/1 year maybe. But yes, to me that does improve life a lot when I'm able to believe in the concrete steps to take for the short-term/mid-term. I'm not worried about the long-term future like that.
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Default Jun 01, 2021 at 08:16 PM
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lol I'm not really able to have a vision for 25 years from now. I don't really even have one for 5 years. I try to see and believe in what I'm going to do the next few days/next few weeks. A few basics for the next few months/1 year maybe. But yes, to me that does improve life a lot when I'm able to believe in the concrete steps to take for the short-term/mid-term. I'm not worried about the long-term future like that.
Do what works for you. From my experience, getting a plan in place is tough work. And it's rewarding. I spent time thinking talk therapy and meds were enough to fix my issues. I was missing some major areas in my life. When one of my foundations is missing my life breaks down and I then avoid the issues. And the avoiding makes my body feel worse. I finally started to take responsibility for my inaction and avoidance. Planning helps me see what I can do to take action.

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Default Jun 01, 2021 at 11:43 PM
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Do what works for you. From my experience, getting a plan in place is tough work. And it's rewarding. I spent time thinking talk therapy and meds were enough to fix my issues. I was missing some major areas in my life. When one of my foundations is missing my life breaks down and I then avoid the issues. And the avoiding makes my body feel worse. I finally started to take responsibility for my inaction and avoidance. Planning helps me see what I can do to take action.

Well I've had cPTSD so for me it isn't really about having to make a plan. cPTSD made everything hard, even simple basics like making a plan always was for me before cPTSD. Afterwards, it all became tough work. Not really rewarding, only when I can finally go to bed knowing that I averted impending disaster with me hanging on by a thin thread to try and keep functioning on the most basic level that I can tolerate. That means continuing to do the part time work, without unacceptable delays with the jobs I complete. Because there are delays, regular delays, I did not have a life for 3 years because I pulled allnighters to be able to abuse my brain for a little dopamine supply or something to be able to overcome the extreme depression or numbness thingy from the cPTSD or whatever it would be called, so then I would work hard during late night, or morning or even through the afternoon after having not slept at all. I am starting to have a life finally, I'm able to do some of the work during the day now, I'm able to concentrate better again, and so on. I'm able to just exist again in life.

I agree that all of the foundations need to be there or life breaks down, I liked that way of putting it. In my case that was about being able to exist at all in this life (long story, that one has an objective reason making it hard) and about people not caring (whether in close relationships or in groups). I've worked a lot on all that, finding more ways to get around the objective problem, understanding myself and other people more to get that ability to connect, etc.

Ten years of hard work soon.
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