[Taonuviel]

I've got to be, like, the oddest person ever. I really liked being in the hospital, I felt so safe, and it was so good to be around this group of people who could be real and understanding of each other. I even got a few chances to help other patients, some in very large ways - which is what gave me enough hope to be safe leaving the inpatient program. I've been in the inpatient or partial programs for the last two weeks, now this weekend feels empty and depressing. I can look forward to going back Monday, but this weekend is still hard. I'm very grateful to have the partial program for this next week, I'd fall apart without it because of the stress of trying to get all I need to be able to start college, moving on campus Saturday.
I don't know how I'm pushing on to do this stuff. I feel like curling up and giving up, I'm so tired. I guess there's a truth I need to affirm in myself - as much as it feels like I'm a wimp with no perseverance, the fact that I'm alive and fighting at all tells me that feeling is false. Maybe if we all looked for, grabbed, and affirmed in ourselves those kinds of truths we'd be better off. Probably no maybe about it, too bad it's so hard to believe anything good when depressed.

Has anyone else liked being in the hospital, or am I just really weird? I guess it makes sense for me when home's not so great and loneliness is huge. But it still seems odd.

<font color=green>____________________________
Matthew 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.</font color=green> Sounds good...

[Peanut61]

Sending you hugs, {{{{{{{{{{{{{{Tao}}}}}}}}}}}}}...

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

[hamstergirl]

Tao, you are not odd. There was a time in my life when I considered the hospital to be safe. It was usually when I was depressed. Staying at home, even now, is getting to me big-time.

But the healthy me hates that place with a passion. There's the reasons you all know about. But it's also a constructed environment. It's deliberately built to be free from stress. There are patients and people there who understand you. I doubt I can say the same thing about where you live. (No offense.)

You belong out in the real world. While you cannot get rid of the stress completely, you can reduce it a great deal. Take it from me, the first step is to put some distance between you and your mother. Go to college in September as planned. Study your guts out. Go there with a mission in mind, to improve yourself.

Your mother may make some noise about needing you at home with her pain and all. You are at an age where you need your own life. You can still be there for your mother while living your own life away from her. This is also from experience: your mother can look after herself. If I can and she can't, then that sounds rather pathetic. I'm a paraplegic with nerve damaged feet and constant pain that requires morphine and I still manage to look after myself, even with the depression. (There are some shrinks who have "offered" to incarcerate me in a nursing home. They don't see me as capable. I am capable.) If your mother isn't, then she can either get extra help or she has more mental problems than she's letting on.

Once you are away from her, you'll learn some new truths about yourself and her, at least it was that way with me and my father. My first stint of college was good for little more than that, because I wasn't ready.

But I eventually got the idea that my father was a controlling peasant and there was enough reason for me to leave permanently. I'm much better off, even if I am living on beans and rice. No one raises their voice to me or calls me a disappointment. I can decide who comes and goes in this house for the most part. If a nurse yells at me, I can have her replaced. Life's too short to put up with that manure. I put up with it with my father, to my knowledge, my mother still puts up with it.

I don't have to put up with it any more and neither do you. Your mother has a warped view of the world and she's warping you. The sooner you get out of there, the better. Once you are out, surround yourself with people who treat you with decency and kindness. YOU DESERVE NOTHING LESS.

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.

[dexter]

T I think not only is that not weird, but I think it is quite normal. Part of the job of the hospital is to give you a chance to feel safe while they start you on a treatment plan. I think one of the reasons it is also an uncomfortable place is so that it does not get too comfortable. It should be a safe place but not a hiding place. The treatment program should be working toward giving you the skills so that you can feel safe outside of the hospital, but that is not an immediate thing. During the transition I think the feelings you are having are very normal.

One big thing that depressed people need is structure in their daily lives so that they do not stay at home and sink further. The hospital provides this and so does a day program, partial program, or IOP program. So it is also normal to feel sort of "lost" during the weekends. I felt awful during the weekends I was in IOP. but I did my best to hang on until Monday would roll around and get through another week. It is important to take it one week at a time, one day at a time. With the skills you learn in the partial program the weekends will become easier, you will be able to structure days on your own without having to rely on the program as much, and everything will get better. It is a slow process.

You are absolutely right about your feelings of being a wimp being false. That is absolutely a part of the depression, and at times looking at that from the "right" side of the fence these feelings can seem so ludicrous because they fly in the face of fact. But that is what depression does. It has the magical power to turn anything, any thought, any action, any feeling, into something completely negative and into a reason for hopelessness. Don't let the depression convince you of that.

When I was hospitalized I was somewhat lucky. I went to a local ER and they set me up for the hospital. They checked my insurance and I was lucky to have coverage at a hospital that they considered to be an excellent facility. The program there was very intense and I did get a lot out of it. As the ambulance was arriving to take me there, the psych doc who evaluated me in the ER came back, she was making arrangements at the facility and realized that I had a choice because not only was this a good facility, but they are also one of the few places in the country that had a "Pride Institute" program in place, a special unit for gays and lesbians so that they could talk and deal with their issues without having to worry about keeping secrets. It was a last minute choice but I decided to try that unit. The atmosphere for me was so comfortable and helpful for me there. I made many very close friends and there were people there from all parts of the country who traveled there just to benefit from this program. My knees were killing me from my arthritis on the ridiculous hard pads that passed as "beds". The lunch room was up a flight of stairs. The program was EXTREMELY intense, with intense group sessions scheduled from 8am until 10pm, with only one break of an hour in the evening and short breaks for smoking between each group... and no visiting hours at all during the week, only a few hours on the weekends. I sure as hell wanted to get out of there. But I also felt so comfortable and for the first time felt like I "belonged" somewhere that I still miss it in some ways. I felt safe there and part of a community.

So I really understand your feelings and do not at all think them strange.

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--http://www.idexter.com

[(JD)]

I agree with ya Dex...

somewhat off topic:

in Southern FL there are NO quality psychiatric wards or hospitals and even fewer decent psychiatrists. (Did I really say that?) Well, it's been verified.... one of the few good ones retired last year...
another crappy one, well , I missed my chance at taking him out a few years back when he was walking down the middle of the road. duh!

And the last "acceptable" ward was all set to take me due to a complex situation, which included a hurricane at the door, and they refused--even though the shrink had a bed with my name on it... the ER tried to make me and my dog sleep on the floor (ok) but the cop threatened to baker act me.. I was worried about what they would do to my dog at that point... anyway... that was the end of it for that place, and a deciding factor for the shrink to retire too!

sigh. there's no place for me if I get to that point, so my T HAS to keep me going I guess... more stress for him, eh?

[Wants2Fly]

Hi Tano -- Last year, I wanted so much to be put in a hospital when I had my breakdown, and my psychiatrist wouldn't do it bec. I was in Florida, and it's absolutely true, there are not suitable facilities. The only one I was near was a warehouse for people with profound mental problems and very violetnt people.

When my brother screamed into my answering machine that I should kill myself, he also screamed that I should just check myself into a psych ward. Moron that he is. And he's worked as a nurses aid in Florida.

So I went to stay in a religious community for a while so I could feel safe and have a structured day. There was also opportunity to work on my issues from a spiritual perspective. It was very helpful.

And the others are right: The hospital is designed to provide you with a safe and comforting and healing environment to help you get well. No wonder you want to go back. Can I come, too? Please?