[Rose76]

Since yesterday I've been depressed to the point of weepiness. I had been doing pretty okay for a nice period of time. Now the bottom is falling out. I'm still in bed after 4 p.m.

I tell myself that this won't last. Episodes of depression come and go with me. I know I'll always get them, but they do pass. Then I often feel pretty good for awhile. I sure feel rotten right now.

Nothing awful happened to me. I've been alone a lot lately. I'm not sleeping good.

I know I should get up and do something.

[Yaowen]

I'm really sorry you are going through that. Depression can be so brutal. Hope your depression passes and soon too!

[Rose76]

Thank you, Yaowen. I guess it will pass. These episodes always do.

Last night I woke up at 2 a.m. and couldn't fall back asleep. I stayed in bed and drifted into semi-sleep for 20 minutes here and 30 minutes there. Night is supposed to be our escape from the cares of the day. That's what the human species evolved to have as a norm. When I feel bad all day and then there's no reprieve at night, it's too much.

For a while recently I was having halfways decent nights. I went to the gym yesterday to exercise, so I would tire and have an easier time going to sleep. I fell asleep okay, but couldn't stay asleep.

I try various meds that I've got lying around. Nothing works much.

[Deilla]

I'm sorry you're having problems with depression and sleep. Lack of sleep really makes it difficult. I hope you can find something that helps. I'm sending good thoughts your way for some restorative sleep. Take care.

[Rose76]

Thank you, Deilla. I appreciate your understanding and kind words.

Eventually I will feel okay. But now is now. I wish I could fast forward to "eventually."

[Rose76]

I slept pretty good last night - thanks to Phenergan that I happened to have lying around. When I got up this a.m., the depressed mood had lifted. I knew I would not be doing any crying today, and I haven't. It's a relief. Not that I feel great. I don't. Right now I'ld like to go to bed, and it's just 6 p.m.

Around noon my thinking got kind of manic. It was after I had taken my hydrocodone for neck and back pain. That happens a lot. That blew over. Now I just feel very tired.

I've gone for every kind of psych help out there. I've taken every kind of psych med just about. Back some years ago, I pretty much gave up on all of that. A year ago I sought help, but ended up not pursuing what I found. It just did not seem promising.

I wish I could find a professional to talk with candidly. In the past, I've had some bad experiences as a consumer of psych services. Confiding again in anyone in that area just strikes me as too risky.

A year ago I was an inpatient at a psych facility. This was after my boyfriend died. I got a bill for copays from the hospital psychiatrist. The bill stated that the doctor had spent 30 minutes with me every day. That was way untrue. I wrote to the doctor's office that I would consider reporting him for fraud, if I got another bill. I never did get another bill.

I'll probably feel better tomorrow than I do today. I'm going back to bed now. I feel nauseated.

[Rose76]

I'm back being sad and weepy. I said earlier that I was confident I wouldn't get like this again today. Then I get like this. I have to figure out how to get in a better frame of mind.

[Deilla]

I'm sorry. Do you have a therapist? They could help you with coping skills. Or you could try some workbooks on dealing with depression. I wish you success in dealing with this.

[Rose76]

Thanks, Deilla. No, I don't have a therapist. I have plenty of coping skills. Sometimes I'm just too depressed to apply them for a period of time.

Monday morning I was a lot better. By Monday eve, I was back in the trough again.