[lost_lonely]

I'm sorry. I hate posting this. I always feel guilty after posting something of this nature. I try so hard to be positive, think positive, act positive, really FEEL positive, ect. It's just that no matter how hard I try lately, I just seem to make things right, just can't get my mind "out of the gutter," as one of my teachers said to me a few years back. I DON'T WANT to give up this fight, not now. There are so many things that I still want to do, so many dreams, I don't want to just end everything here. I won't. I refuse to. These kind of feelings make it so hard. I just want to live. For the last six years, the only thing I've done is SURVIVE. I don't want to simply exist, I want to really LIVE. I'm tired of sitting on the sidelines. I want to participate. It is such a struggle. I just want to have fun and be happy again. I spend so much time wrapped up in the past, remembering better days. I CANNOT let myself think this way, not now! As a good friend told me, "fake it til you make it..." I just that's just what I'll have to do.

This was more of a vent than anything else. So tired of conversing with myself, going back and forth in my head. I think I need to lie down............

[Wants2Fly]

HamsterGrirl is soooooo right. You have been through a trauma, behaved with enormous courage, and if you don't feel like faking a cheerleader smile, it's understandable.

There is some research evidence that the act of smiling, even when we don't feel like it, does something to internal biochemistry that does make us feel better.

If it helps, smile and "act as if," but don't put too much pressure on yourself so it becomes another goal to criticize yourself about.

Such a strong determination you have...there's nothing wrong with getting down, we've all been there--it's what happens when we ARE down is what counts...you will pick yourself up once again and continue on your journey. You may have a long way to go, but you are at least on that journey and are taking the necessary steps to succeed.
You're such a blessing to me,
Hang in there.
Love Ya,
Jon