keep going

It started on tuesday when i woke up, i had a massive headache but i thought i was just dehydrated. It continued all day though. My mood dived down as i sat travelling on the train back to uni for no reason at all. Again i said to myself it is because i feel ill with headache. I didn't go out that evening, i stayed in pretending my headache was what kept me in. I woke on wednesday and went to lectures, i tried to forget the dull aching inside and focus on what the lecturer was saying. I went with my course to celebrate an event....i laughed, i joked, i bounced up and down, i took the camera and got into the middle of everything to take films of everyone being happy - i kept on going knowing that i was the person that people would expect to do this and thinking by pretending it would become true. When the party finised i wanted to leave quickly but i stayed instead to help clean up and then it was straight onto another previously planned meal. I pretended to go home quickly to wash my hands (i hate germs on my hands!) but i got home and lay down trying to be still. I got a text and then a phonecall. Immediately i pulled myself together and went to meet everyone. The evening finished and i came home and slept. I got up the next day very early to continue a group project, so no time to myself except sleeping for a good 24 hrs. After this i went straight to lectures....not sure i even got lunch. In lectures i was so agitated and angry. I felt i was going to jump outta my skin. I attempted to get involved and ask questions...it went ok actually until the agitation took over and i could not contain myself. I was not me, i was another person that talks too much and too loudly. That is 'seen' by everyone there, when all i really want to do is slip in and out without a sound.
I came home and cried to my mum on the phone. So low. So scared, early start the next day - i have been so tired recently and i needed to get up for clinic. My mum rang me in the morning to make sure i was up. I had a good day considering. So tired. Got home, an hrs rest then back out for drinks with friends. Wanted to come home early but couldn't. I slept and again up early today to go for a day out with friends parents. I was dreading the long day without any time to myself. I took my sissors with me for reassurance - just in case i needed to be brought back into reality. I didn't use them.
Finally and evening to myself tonight. I decided to have an early night as i need to go to the library tomorrow but of course insomnia strikes. No chance of sleep tonight. No work possible tomorrow.

I am blessed, as you can see above i have wonderful things in my life. But this low mood sits inside my heart making everything a chore. A few hours with friends and i have to find the strength to stay. I am not quiet or withdrawn, my hands and feet shake constantly as i feel need the move all the time. I feel as though i want to crash around the room bouncing from wall to wall, i want to jump out of my own skin. So much agitation and frustration and anger. All there, felt but not felt.
I had a dream last night - i went to a crisis centre and randomly a girl i know was working there. I tried to talk to her but she didn't understand the full extent but she reassuringly dragged me around with her during her chores. Then another man came in and told her that i was at the edge. I hid my head in shame. She kept me so safe and calm - i wanted to continue the dream tonight but my brain won't switch off.

I am blessed. I do know that. I'm sorry i had to write all this. I wish i didn't. I try to keep it in and forget about it. Keep going.

(((((((((((((( Abby ))))))))))))))

(((Abby)))))

thankyou fuzzybear and nowheretorun.
Your hugs really helped, it means a lot to me that you took the time to read what i had written.
Well i had another night crying on the phone to my mum but now i have a few more things in place....i can text her when i am feeling down in the day - human contact without having to speak really comforts me and i'm going to try walking a bit more everyday which hopefully get the endorphins going.
I'm going to try a few more days before i increase the dose of meds as i really don't want to have to do this.
I sound strong and postive don't i? I'm not but i am blessed to have people like you and my wonderful family to support me so i will keep trying.
thank you,

Hi Abby,

I sympathize with your feelings deeply. Even though it sounds like you are struggling very hard, you also sound like a very strong person. I'm really happy to hear that you find some comfort in communicating with your mom.

sorry abby i don't know what you are going through but i do feel for you. i think that it's good that you let it out so it's ok to write,you don't only help yourself but you help those who read this as i am the oppisite, just a different type of struggle. i try to keep going and you try to slow down and it's difficult to find the medium. life is quite the journey. hope you can rest soon

((((((((( Abby )))))))))))

Things sound tough there

But keep your chin up, and remember you can PM me anytime

(((((((((((((((((((((ABBY))))))))))))))))))))))

thank you everyone that replied, i really appreciate you reading my post and taking the time to send me a few words and a hug, it means a lot to me. I'm keeping busy with uni work this week, i find that way the only time i think is at night when insomnia strikes. But i'm being good and trying desperately to not use caffeine to make me feel human in the morning!

take care everyone and thank you so much once again.

Hey (((((( Abby ))))))

You've got to be careful though, don't wear yourself out through working with your degree finishing in just a couple of month's time, you don't want burn-out :-O

Have you tried taking the herb Valerian? It can be bought in Holland & Barratt's, and maybe Boots too. It helps induce relaxation and sleepiness. It doesn't have a huge effect but it does help a bit.

((((( Abby )))))
Hope you're feeling better soon.