[x_BabyG_x]

First, I just wanna apologise for all the posts I have been writing the past week or so.

I have been struggling to get through the past 12 days or so and I have no idea why. I go on bouts of depression like this RARELY lasting a day or two. At first I thought that I would just have to override it and I was just having a bad week. But then the week passed and Im feeling worse. I have to constantly ring my friends, text people, go on msn, speak to my dad... its like Im scared of being alone. At night I just lie there and cry, because even though people tell me that they are always here for me, where are they at night? I am all alone, even when my boyfriend is asleep next to me. Its like I need constant attention, be accompanied all the time, because Im scared of being alone with myself and my thoughts.
Last night, my boyfriend slept with his back to me, and even though I knew I was just being stupid I felt.... alone and rejected. I had to beg him to turn around and hold my hand whilst I drifted off to sleep. And eveytime I felt him move away I quickly jolted up and grabbed him and begged him not to go away even though I knew he was going nowhere! I was panicking for no reason. We went out that night aswell with all his work mates, who I didnt really know. I felt rejected and went in a right mood again because he had his back to me and was chatting away all night. I know he didnt mean to do it but still. He doesnt even know Im feeling like this either which makes it worse

The thing is, I feel soooooo guilty now because I know if I carry on with this behaviour Im going to lose him and I really dont want to do that because he's all Ive got right now. I dunno what to do. And Im feeling even crapper because I gave in and cut again

babyg xxx

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((( BabyG ))))))))))

[katheryn]

son sorry you feel rejected at this time, maybe if you told b/f how you were feeling he might be able to understand you behavior and avoid things like this happening again

you have nothing to apologise for

((((((((((((((x_BabyG_x)))))))))))))

[x_BabyG_x]

hmm, I dont wanna tell him anymore. he's dealt with me enough this week having flip outs and being moody and finding out I caved in on the SI thing again. brrrhh

I think next time I see him Im just going to hold him for a while, see if it overrides

its gotta end sometime hasnt it? I hate feeling like this it sucks

xxx

[katheryn]

if he knows it will ease the burden you dont have to tell him everything just start telling him that when you are out and about you get anxious around strangers

one step at a time, and im sure he will hold you if you ask

(((((((((( BabyG ))))))))))

I agree tell him how you feel
you matter

he will hold you

[Pseudonym]

It might be hard, but consider printing this thread out and giving it to him. I've found that it's an effective way to get the right sentiment across at a time when it's hard to say the words to someone you care for.

And no need to apologize. Being here is what we're here for. =) Try to break your record this time, ok? I'm on at night, but that's early morning for you; feel free to PM me next time.

good luck and with love

[its_me]

I agree, maybe printing the thread and allowing him to read it might help. I know that having someone read what you are feeling is sometimes so much easier. Sometimes we get frustrated with ourselves when we try to verbalize our thoughts & feelings.

If he is anything like my husband - he will understand and he will support you and hold you when needed - just let him know where you are coming from and don't be afraid to let him know what you need!

I'm here - don't hesitate to PM if you need...

KS

[Christina86]

I'm gonna agree with all the other posters.

((((((((((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))

A lot of the time, I'm scared of being alone too. It's easier to drift into bad places in our minds when we're by ourselves.

Be safe.

[x_BabyG_x]

I think I'm lifting out of my dark spot a bit now, Im starting to feel much better.

You were all right about telling him what I was feeling. He broke down crying in front of me last night, because he was sick of me keeping things in. He said he didnt understand why I couldnt tell him when I was feeling depressed/alone/scared, and was sick of finding out on facebook how I was feeling, seeing endless status updates "megan is feeling down" and "Megan just doesnt know what to do anymore..."

It has opened my eyes a bit now. On sunday I was looking at my new marks and I realised that if I carry on like this then Im just going to lose him. Before now I'd always knew I wasnt well and Ive always wanted to help myself, but I felt like I didnt have the strength to do so. Now, I have a reason to fight. So Im going to really try this time.

I rang up every single one of my closest mates and arranged to meet them throughout the week so I wasnt alone. I bought a new book to read at night when I couldnt get to sleep. I finaly told my dad how I was feeling. Ive applied for a few jobs in the past few days, which makes me seem like Im doing something with my life. I booked my driving test which ive been putting off. The drinking/cutting/slightly overdosing on painkillers is going to stop, Im going to beat my record this time

Ive even changed my status on facebook to something more positive!

And Ive told myself that whenever I get them awful feelings of jealousy/paranoia/anger etc that always makes us argue, Im just going to put it past me and let it go, because I know that them feelings come out of nowhere.
Thanks for the support guys, and I promise Im going to give it all Ive got this time!

babyg xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[its_me]

It is good to hear that you are doing better... It seems like you are on a better track. Keep up the good work!!!

[x_BabyG_x]

Thankyou x

[Pseudonym]

I don't know how all the smilies work yet, so I can't find a good, appropriate one, but...

YAY! I'm so happy for you. Doing any ONE of those things is a big hurdle, and doing all of them is monumental. Inspirational, even. Changing immediately like this isn't easy, but it's possible. Remember that if you need to take a step back and re-evaluate, we're all here through the good times too. Keep us posted on how this is going for you, and, finally, update your counter and mood.

*super hug*