Just need to spew

So once again I come to you all for support.

Heres whats going on. New job. Love it. New boss. Love him even more than any other boss I got. Techsupport. Long hours. But what I love to do. I have add and its my niche. I never am strapped to a desk and don’t need my Ritalin to make it through a day. Haven’t cut in over 140 some odd days. Husband got a new part time job to match another partime job which equals 1 full time job.

Good so far right? That’s what I thought.

Mom and Aunt has resolved to no longer speak. (this sucks) even though I know my mom was right. (the aunt is bipolar, undiagnosed, in TOTAL denial, and completely manic) she said very hurtful things to my mother. I told my aunt I wouldn’t be able to speak to her if she once again “talked about my mother that way” we are doing fine so far. (background, aunt was abused, and Imho sees my mom trying to help her as being controlling) mom is NOT controlling. Just a “fixer” and nurturer by nature. I tried to explain to aunt……no good.

Bad thing – I probably shouldn’t be talking to the aunt. And this is rather confusing for me. Because I love her. Those of you who know me, understand this part. Not worth getting into just yet. Im giving enough reading here I think.

Second bad thing. My dog is dying. They think he has cancer. Hes been in pain. And I know what is coming up. See this dog has seen me through a lot of tough times, the death of certain family members that were close to me, and being diabetic he has single handedly saved my life (he tugs my shirt when I go low) we didn’t teach him, he just does. Lately he starts flaking out when I have an asthma attack. Before I even see signs.

Best friend calls Saturday and tells me her WHOLE abuse story. I never knew. But it explains a lot and it kinda triggered me although I didn’t let on. This is a breakthrough for her. Trudged up a lot of %#@&#! for me. But I made it through the weekend – I think im getting stronger now.

So once again, I feel a spiral coming on – Im grateful for the good I have right now. But the urges to cut are back. And the panic and all the fun stuff that comes with it are back.

Just needed to vent. I owe you guys. But lately “life has been happening” so I haven’t frequented here often. I am up at 430 am and working till 430 pm, then if lucky home by 630 pm. And it just keep starting over and over.

Thanks for listening.

i don't know what to say coz i don't know you but i've read a lot of posts you've put supporting other people thru bad stuff.

so i just want you to know that i do care things are rough for you right now.

i for one understand that even when your life looks good on the outside, sometimes there's still a lot of bad stuff going on inside.

from what i see you've been thru a lot of bad stuff yourself yet you're such a fantastic support to others here.

so i just want to say i'm here for you if you ever need an extra friend...and you're in my thoughts.

*hugs*

(((((((((((((((Cthomas))))))))))))))))))))
I am sorry you are going through such a hard time right now.
When my family members fight I always explain to all parties that it is not my fight and I try to stay in contact with everybody.
It's so hard to lose a pet, I wish I could say something to make you feel better but I'm not sure those kind of words exist.
It was very kind of you to listen to your friend even though it was bringing issues up for you.

Thanks for replying. Geez for as wierd as this sounds, after being in therapy so long, I feel stronger this time around. altough things are rough. I still feel like I want to SI but know that wont help anything.

Thanks again,
Colleen

(((((((((((Colleen)))))))))))))))))))

Good stuff going on with the job - glad you like it.

Sorry about your Mom and Aunt... maybe you should try to take a break from the both of them, at least stepping down from playing moderator? It doesnt seem fair to you.

I'm sorry about your dog. Poor baby... dogs are smart creatures, and get us through all sorts of things. Same thing with my 'baby' who passed away last year... Anything you can do for him to make him more comfortable?

I'm both happy and sad for your friend and you... while it is good that she's able to get through stuff to this point (and sad that she's had to go through it) ... it obviously negatively affected you, which seems unfair. Does your friend know some of you "stuff"? Maybe you can ask her to ask you if you're in a good spot emotionally before bringing stuff up again?

Be well Colleen. Stay safe, and take care of you.

Thanks KJ, I feel the exact same way about you.
I do however feel bad for my lack of presence on these forums. After all, this is the place where I am accepted and safe.

Thanks, may take you up on the talk.....
C

Christina, my friend.....congrats on becoming a team lead! Thats awesome.

As for the moderator part, im not really the moderator, but I know what happened. nobody is pressuring me per se, but both are hurting. My aunt is CLUELESS on what she did. and my mom is truly hurt. I have backed away from being moderator for the most part. I guess I miss our 3 party convo's at night watching tv. My aunt is in minnesota, mom in south dakota and me in chicago...../things with the job are good right now. (the negative part of me is waiting to see the shoe falll......)

as for my puppy, I am truly sad. and want to just SI......I feel bad for him, making him comfortable now. I love this dog so much. I just dont know what to do. Sounds stupid im sure. Geez im tearing up just writing this.

Anyway, thanks to all of you.

Colleen

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Cthomas said:
as for my puppy, I am truly sad. and want to just SI......I feel bad for him, making him comfortable now. I love this dog so much. I just dont know what to do. Sounds stupid im sure. Geez im tearing up just writing this.

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Not stupid at all. ((((((((((Colleen))))))))))))))) ((((((((((((puppy))))))))))) ... it hurts to see someone/something we love hurting. I didn't know what to do either... I just tried to love my baby, and spend time with him. Im not good with advice.

Then to add insult to injury, everytime we have an animal who needs care, my husband shuts down, or so i think. he cant handle it. has a hard time taking care of the animal with me. Seems to me aside from a paycheck at this point that I can count on him. I just dont know what to do.

Really starting to get irritated here.

ME

(((((Colleen))))))))) Maybe he doesn't deal with things as well as you? It's hard when you don't have emotional support for important matters like this though.

((( Colleen )))))

sending hugs hon.. youve got us to support you, please dont SI... you will make it thru this spiral like the others... hang in there...

(((Colleen))))
Keep your chin up and I know you can get thru this, one day one hour one minute at a time. You can do it!!