[bigdizzle]

Self destruction:
Everyone has their own way of doing it, their own self destruction technique. Some will become the alcoholic addict like my father. Some will become the drug addict like my brother, while others like myself will become the depression and anxiety addict.

A depression/anxiety addict? Yep that’s right, I mean after all isn’t a addict described as someone who realizes they have a problem but cannot do anything or worse yet enough to curb their addiction. So I believe that with that description I am an addict. Sure I may not go on day long drinking binges or perhaps I’m not even lurking on the street corners looking for a hit, but I am hurting.

The depression can last for days and days on end and the anxiety makes sure that I stay paralyzed to it as almost to say, “HA you can’t overcome it”. It ruins my sleep when I cannot sleep for days on end, when I cannot go to work because I am paralyzed by the anxiety and depression from whatever happens to trigger me that day.

What does it take to get rid of it, well okay that’s a trick question as I know I cannot actually get rid of it, but how do I make it less of a distraction so that I can continue and progress in my daily life and my overall goals and dreams. Counseling right, that is always the key it has helped but it is only a temporary fix. It seems that a week after my appointment I start slipping again and I realize it and try to think opposite of what I want to, in hopes that I can block it from dragging me slowly down like quicksand.

The self destruction comes in when it takes an amazing amount of determination and drive for me to wake up in the morning and take a shower and do the “usual” things in the morning. Or for me to pick up a tooth brush to somehow preserve this rotting mouth. But it gets to the point of why? Why should I even bother? What difference will it really make?

So I come to a crossroads if you will, continue on living this %#@&#! existence or continue to sink until someone notices and pushes me in to help. I can only bounce back so many times right? Or is this how it is going to be, one month doing great at work, going to class, making a effort to progress in this life and better myself. Or the other month were I miss work and don’t go to class for an entire month because I don’t have the motivation or focus to continue with it, or when I don’t take care of myself for weeks on end.

What does it take for anyone to see what is going on? Am I really that good at hiding it? Or are they just to afraid to confront me because they don’t know what to do either. What do I have to do in order to get the help that will be life altering? What more do I need to do. Try medications again? I don’t know why can’t I just be given a simple option a or option b don’t you think I have had my fair share of %#@&#! already or doesn’t it really matter. Hear my cry yet or should I start to scream.

[MyBestKids2]

Hi bigdizzle

Welcome to PC. I hope we can agree to disagree. I believe most addictions have a benefit to them, a "high" if you will. I have NEVER experienced that with my 20+ years of diagnosis of depression and anxiety. Perhaps I misunderstood your post.

Welcome to PC again looking forward to seeing ya around the boards

I wouldn't exactly call it an addiction, but my self-destructive thoughts that lead to depression, low self-esteem, poor motivation, being 'stuck', feeling helpless, ruminating on all that has gone wrong in my life instead of looking at the positive things I have, "punishing" myself for past misdeeds that I did (OD, rages, immature & irrational behaviors, etc.)--my T asked me what "payback" am I getting from all of this? What would I be doing with my life/who would I be if I were not stuck in these paralyzing non-productive thoughts?

I am on meds for bipolar, but I also need to take some responsibility for my wellness by retraining my negative thinking patterns. Not only am I going to indiv. T, but I'm starting DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) in a couple weeks & reading books-- right now "Get it Done when You're Depressed by Julie Fast & John Preston), going to support groups. I don't want to be stuck like this anymore & I certainly don't want to do another overdose (last one 1 1/2 years ago, though the desire has come back sometimes & I called suicide prevention so I think I'm at least making some progress in making better decisions).

Healthy people face their problems, fix them & move on. Through DBT I hope to reach the goal of viewing things others say & do & the things that happen to me in less EXTREME terms (I'm triggered so often now & have numerous "melt downs a month") & embrace more of a middle ground in life. My T says the DBT stresses living in the "now"--stop ruminating on the past traumas--yes, come to terms with them, but don't let them rule your present & future (by having so much anxiety). Look around--I have a wonderful committed husband who has put up with me for 34 years of marriage & even longer as we have been together since I was 15 & he was 16.

He's comforted me & helped me when I've had sucide attempts & deep depressions & always gives me hope for the future. I've got 2 wonderful children who are grown & doing well despite having had their own bouts with depression, a home, enough money, great pdoc & therapist, etc.

I get fulfillment through my volunteer work in the women's jail & in NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness).

If I try to concentrate on these things & try to figure out what my passion & dreams are in life, I hope to get some peace, some joy & not constantly be looking at everything through a negative filter. I'm 54 & I've still not grown up & figured out who I am--I'm an empty shell just full of pain & I'm sick of it.--Suzy

[bigdizzle]

Thanks for the warm welcome.

I am considering more and more often to check myself into a inpaitent program until i can learn how to become more stable. Still up in the air though.

-KEW