[lenjan]

I didn't know whether to post in depression or anxiety, because I've been alternating between them all day. I feel like the world's biggest loser. Shouldn't I be more in control than this?

I had a perfectly fine day. Slept in. Played on the puter. Wrote a student a recommendation. Went for a walk, it was sunny and over 60 and I had a nice walk by Lake Michigan, and then came home and sat on the steps by the side door for 10-15 minutes, soaking up Vitamin D. Worked on some cross-stitch Christmas ornaments. Watched the Badgers slaughter Minnesota. All in all, a lovely day. SO WHY AM I SO FRICKING DEPRESSED?!

Worse, as I said, it's alternating with the anxiety. Just sitting here a couple times today, for no good reason, I had the first rumblings of a panic attack. I don't get it. I'm home. Nothing weird is happening here, and I haven't had one thought about work. And yet, I feel like I have the butterflies times a million, and I can't relax, and it pisses me off to feel like crap when I have no valid reason for doing so. And I hate the switching back and forth. I can be both really anxious and really depressed in the course of the same hour.

Good thing I see my pdoc Monday, hey?

Sorry for whining. I don't know what I expect anybody to do about it when I can't fix it myself. Maybe you could tell me how you handle these illnesses without beating yourself up for having them?

Candy

[shakes]

((((candybear))))

Jessica

[Myzen]

Hi Candybear,

We've talked about some of the pressures happening to you at the moment.

The irony with the mood changes is that they come in the quiet times, when you're away from the trigger. I've never understood that. Somehow we hold up during the battle, and then we get wobbly after it's over.

When I left teaching I was still fighting the battles in my head for years. But now, it's past and I just have plain old anxiety disorder to cope with. It's not so bad at all.

Lake Michigan sounds nice. I live by the sea in Southern England and it's beautiful at the moment. The leaves are turning gold and the breeze is cool off the Atlantic. We have squirrels busy gathering nuts in the park outside our flat (apartment).

Good thoughts to you, Myzen,

[lenjan]

Boy, you wanna talk wobbly? I took my 2nd Klonopin of the day about 1:00 and I can barely walk still! BUT, I haven't been anxious all day, so I'm happy to trade in the sleepiness and whatnot for that.

Things are past enough, I guess, that everyone is trying to pretend they never happened. But I still know, and I still mistrust everyone who contributed to the incident. I just really need to get out of this very unhealthy environment. Hiring picks up after the first of the year, or so the conventional wisdom goes, so I'll start looking in earnest then.

In the meantime, I think I just need a vacation! It's too cold to go for walks, but soon enough the lake will be frozen up, and that brings its own beauty. Assuming I'm not too depressed to notice, being a victim of the seasonal depression as well as the "regular" kind. Sigh.

Do you ever get tired of dealing with all this stuff? I wish someone would just wave a magic wand and make me mentally healthy.

Candy

[Myzen]

Hi Candy,

I'd take sleepiness over anxiety any day - anxiety sucks.

No magic wands I'm afraid, but good thoughts to you Candybear. Keep as well as you can.

Cheers, Myzen,

[wisewoman]

Okay, I couldn't resist. Many years ago my sister sent a post card that said ;"warning stay out of park, squirrels are gathering nuts for the winter. Well, once when hubby was hospitalized for depression I was very angry with him. I had my own issues and he escaped and left me with young children etc. My friend came from out of state to hold me and we went to the hospital and I gave him the card as we went for a walk in the park. Okay, sorry but you all reminded me of it. Candy, I will send you sunshine, gotta get me one of those lights.