[In_The_Darkness]

Hey

On Friday, at school, I felt mad. Really mad. Not as in angry, as in crazy mad. Just having hugs with the keyboards from computers, loosing my temper, crying. I found myself poking my friend.

Nothing felt real, everything fake. I felt dizzy. I felt dead and empty, I felt like I hadnt felt for a while.

I don't know, but I told my friend about how I felt. She said I am mad, can I talk to anyone about this?

I found myself thinking that no-one cared, I still feel no one cares, I feel no one really gives a crap.

I am scared, really scared, that one day I will end up on the psychiatric ward. Is this all to do with my depression because someone upset me by calling me a mean person? Maybe I was scared that it's true that I am a mean person. I'm clueless.

I havent had to deal with this for a long time. My depression is getting worse.

I'm seeking another 14 year old male in my position. I know there are loads... but where? Would they understand me? Does anyone understand me? No one understands me. No one has met the real me. But have they? Is the real me, the me I have been since my depression got worse?

Is it my fault?

Am I to blame for my life?

I am positive on one thing, I deserve to be depressed. This is my punishment for getting too social.

I can't handle what I felt on the day again!

I think too many thoughts!

I am useless, a nobody, just another number on the school roll, another number on the goverments list for billing when I become an adult.

I am not feeling sorry for myself, I am just scared! Just sad! Just messed up!

[pachyderm]

Being different is not easy.

[DOWNINNATICK]

Sorry I'm not 14, but I just wanted to say, I know how you feel and no you are not being punished and you are not to blame for anything, it's just the depression making you feel that way. I hope you find help and that you know, people do care about you.

[mak62184]

Hey! I remember you from the depression chat last night. While I may not be a 14 year old boy, I really understand and can relate to everything you just said.

While you obviously would have to go see a therapist about your feelings, it seems to me like you were just having a panic attack. And yes, those are very scary. However, you may just feel unreal, but as long as you realize you are still functioning, you will be fine. Believe me, I've had some to the point where I felt like I was dying, but once I got up and was walking around, I realized I was going to be okay, and it passed.

And remember, depression is not your fault. It may feel like it is, but it isn't. All you really need is to find positive thoughts to cancel out the negative thoughts. If you would be interested, I would be glad to email you some writing exercises I have been doing, that seem to help me when I'm upset. They only take about 10 minutes too. And you also do not have to share them with anyone if you are uncomfortable with that right now.

And honestly, I don't want to sound like a downer, but being 14 is tough. Actually, that whole phase from junior high all the way though junior year of high school is rough. It may not be that your friends really think you are crazy, it's just difficult for them to understand at a young age. Just remember, it is you who can change the way you feel.