Which came first.. the chicken or the egg?

Maybe... but how can smiling and nodding and sincerely listening make me look like a monster. Maybe it's because I'm unattractive and fat. I've lost over 100 lbs, but it doesn't seem to make a difference. I'm still fat, but there's nothing I can do about it anymore. I workout twice a day, my diet is spot on..... I just can't seem to lose anymore weight.

Well.. one woman at the gym engaged me in conversation while working on the eliptical next to hers. She bragged about her advanced education.... I smiled. She kept telling me how wonderful she is... I smiled... then she said something totally outrageous. Throughout this entire conversation, although she denied it, she expressed a degree of racism. I did get offended... but tried not to show it. I did get angry that she thought just because she was in the company of someone with the same skin color that she felt "safe" in expressing her ignorance. She said "you know...... women get that HVP (instead of HPV) from black men. Ok... so I got uppity at that point and said "no dear, they can get HPV from ANY man.. doesn't have to be BLACK men.. . black men don't have the corner on gential warts". It was just such an ignorant statement that I had to say something. I do feel I wasn't being condescending though... I was just stating a fact.

Well.. the next day I was a row in front of her doing a different machine and she thought my headphones were on. I heard her telling a BLACK man of all people how much she didn't care for me. Oh... so now black people are your friends when you're dissing someone else. Well this man was a man of character and very well educated himself - and he doesn't hold it over anyone either. I heard him say "no.. she's alright". WHAT the hell did I do/

What the hell? Because I'm uneducated I'm not supposed to know anything/ So what's the deal.. I'm supposed to act completely ignorant and pretend to believe what everyone tells me.

Another instance was when I neighbor woman of a friend I was helping to move into his new apartment (a disabled man) engaged me in conversation. I enjoyed the conversation.. thought she was nice until I was working on putting his beddng together with the window open and I heard talking to the maintenance man from her upstairs window. He ashed if she met us and she said "yes, but I just don't like her. OMG.. what did I do NOW?

These are just a couple of examples... there's much more. This makes me isolate and isolating makes me more depressed.

I JUST MISS MY CHURCH.... at least they didn't rag on me within earshot.

I'm having a rotten day again.. I'm so sorry.. please forgive me.... it's just that I'm so afraid to get out there in the world, afraid I'll be hurt time and time again and there's only so much a person can handle.. yanno?