[Einna]

Hi,
I'm a mom who's searching and trying to read everything I can get my hands on to understand my teen age son. Yeah, usually "teen" says it all, but in this case... . He's a bright intelligent young man, but he's depressed and won't take his medication. There's a bit more to his diagnosis, but I'm not ready to say anything since this whole thing is so new to me. My heart aches for him and we're (father and I) are trying just about everything we can. Hopefully this week we'll get him in to see a psychiatrist. I figured the teen years would be tough, but not the roller coaster ride we've been on thus far. I'm scared to death we're too late - he's 17. I'm hoping and praying we're not too late.
Sorry, this got longer than I intended. I posted this in the introductory area of the forums - sorry for the repeat.
Thanks,
Einna

[reddevil]

Firstly, welcome to PC!

Going to a pyschiatrist might well be a very good idea, so well done.

I think you should also talk with him about why he does not wish to take hiw medications, and why you want him to take them, rather than simply trying to force him to take them. It might not end up with him taking them, but he might well be more willing to accept your support. (Though don't be surprised if he finds it hard to talk, I always do when my mum tries to talk to me about this sort of stuff)

17 is not too late. Well, at least, I hope it's not, because I'm 18, and I was first depressed at 14, and I'm only just about to see a psychiatrist.

((Einna)))
welcome to pc
Its never to late , ever
My son is 17 too.
Its very hard when the have issues to deal with
Being a teenager is hard enough, let alone with depression and other things
when your ready you will tell his story
Know we will be here for you
muffy

[Einna]

Thank you for the kind welcome. I am so frustrated with my son this morning. We had an appointment to see regular dr. to follow-up on medication - he refused to get up. He knew about the appointment, stayed up all night and now refuses to get up. I've taken priviledges away until he does see the dr. He doesn't care.
What drives a person to be like this... to not care at all about life, to be drawn to the bad choices, to seemingly sabotage oneself when good opportunities arise, to not make any effort at all to help oneself?
That's what I'm here for, to try to understand... to do what will help him out the most. I am lost with this whole thing. It scares me to think about how life will treat him once he's on his own. Sigh, it just feels so crappy!

[reddevil]

The illness does.

Your son sounds exactly like me. It may not be the case for him, but I often stay up all night when I'm down, because if I go to bed, I won't sleep, I will lay there thinking worse and worse thoughts and feeling worse and worse.

In the end, I get tired, so I end up being able to sleep- during the day.

When I'm down, it's a miracle worker who can get me out of bed sometimes. I just do not want to move.. especially not for a hospital appointment, they are stressful! It really doesn't surprise me that he doesn't care, I wouldn't either, because all I would want is my bed.

It is crappy, it's very crappy. But do your best not to get frustrated, as understandable as that reaction is. It won't help him feel like he can open up to you. You need to communicate.. he needs to know your feelings and vice versa. But that is much easier said than done.

[Sannah]

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Einna said:
What drives a person to be like this...

to not care at all about life, to be drawn to the bad choices, to seemingly sabotage oneself when good opportunities arise, to not make any effort at all to help oneself?

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A person's environment and how they interacted with it. Is your son sensiitive? Did he show signs of trouble previously?

[Mouse_]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>

That's what I'm here for, to try to understand... to do what will help him out the most. I am lost with this whole thing. It scares me to think about how life will treat him once he's on his own. Sigh, it just feels so crappy!

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Sometimes its in our "helping" that the problem lies? his 17, he needs to work it out by himself and be left to make wrong choices. His wanting to die could be because he feels his been given no room to breath? Teenagers are nutorious for having these feelings. LIfe will treat him like it treats everyone else. You need to relax and don't mirror back his anxietys, he donesn't need to feel as if his killing you as well? Just breath and let him be, and I' afraid to say, if the worse EVER happened then that too is his choice.

[Einna]

I appreciate you giving me a glimpse of what it may be like from his perspective - stuff I didn't even think of. I just wish I could spur him on to make positive changes and choices in his life - this standing still while the world goes on by isn't going to cut it. I feel like we're slogging through a swamp of goo at times and right now we can't even lift our feet out of the muck and mire. We've had some heart to heart talks but for the past week or so he seems to have sunk lower into the pit. I suspect it's because school starts next week - which is why it's even more important to get him on some medication that doesn't make him sick. I don't know what to do or say to get him out of the pit - he tells me to shut up and leave whenever I try to talk with him.

[reddevil]

You're welcome Einna. It's obvious that you do want to help, and you're right, it's not going to cut it.

But sometimes it's hard to even see the point of 'cutting it', you know?

I know the place you're talking about. Today is a fairly good day for me, yesterday was awful.

I think he might do with some space, but with some support. When my mum tries to talk with me, I'm often like 'I don't know/it doesn't matter', which seems like my equilvilant of 'Shut up and leave!' I don't really know what will work to get him past that.. don't pressure him, but when it's obvious that he really needs someone, be there, and listen if he wants to talk.

[ECHOES]

It is fear making him do this. He may be able to get relief by getting to the bottom of his fears (of growing up, of moving out, of going to college, getting a job, etc.--a lot of big changes face a teen) .. by talking about things with a therapist.

If he won't go, you and your husband can go to see how to help get your son to therapy. The therapist can help you with that.

[digdug]

Good luck to you and keep at it. And don't get too down yourself...life tends to reward you for such hard work. Just think about the good time your and your son will have years from now, talking about how you helped him out of the bad old days.

[Einna]

I appreciate the wisdom you've all shared. I guess I've got alot of learning to do - like backing off, being patient and just being there (sometimes saying nothing says volumes). We're going to see about moving him to a different school... one that has more structure and hopefully more active learning. Am determined to turn over every stone I can till we find the best way for him. I really don't mean to complain and moan and groan. He's worth every bit of frustration, it's just at times I get weary and need to remind myself to back off, but still keep searching. Thanks for listening and for the advice. I'll still be around, as everyone gets back into a routine of sorts, I'll probaby come bug you all. PC is a pretty cool place to be... thanks.

[ECHOES]

"Wherever you go, there you are." The philosophy of the "Geographical Solution" to problem solving. The issues come right along with you, of course.

I think this is about him and his inner world and his fears, so changing anything outside of him is only going to change things outside of him. At the new school he will still be him. And changing schools could serve to reinforce things like * someone or something outside of him can change how he feels inside, * there is something 'wrong' with him that he can't attend a school many others attend and in which they thrive, * there is something unacceptable about having troubling feelings that the person should hide or be hidden away, * problems should be avoided instead of dealt with directly, etc.

Stay put if you can, and find a therapist for you and for him.

[Einna]

Echo - what you say makes sense. The reason I was thinking of a new school is that (but then again, he'll have to live that in life when he leaves home)... he's got a not so great reputation with some teachers. The principal was of no help - tho' he retired. Perhaps I am jumping the gun here in trying to put him into a new school. This is hard...trying to do what's best for him. We want to prepare him to handle life... it's .....

[ECHOES]

I know, it's really hard!

We love them and we want them to feel better and that can make us look for a quick fix--so they'll feel better now. But this didn't happen overnight and it won't go away overnight, as the old saying goes. But the sooner he can share what's on his mind and what his inner experiences are, the sooner he will start to feel better, I suspect. And he will get to know himself and the world around him better so he can feel comfortable now and in the future, wherever life takes him .. or rather whatever direction he decides to steer his life.

[Hcab_Tep]

Hi. The more we know about his diagnosis, the more we can suggest/help.
It may be super difficult, but we are all here to help.

Peter

[Einna]

Hi, I'm not so sure that he's not in this forum or in pc somewhere and just don't want to risk him reading about it. Sounds silly I know, just not ready to go there just yet. I really do appreciate everyone's patience with me. I've taken to heart all the posts I've read and they've really given me stuff to think about - stuff I didn't even realize... thank you. I'm definitely checking in every day when I can. I also know that this isn't just "his problem", it's a family thing and we've all got something we need to work on. He is such a neat, neat kid! He's thoughtful, funny as all get out, very good with his writings, a fantastic artist and sweet too. Both he and his father are guys with extremes - either one side or the other. Any way, I love my son and yes, I've told him all of the above but he doesn't believe it. Others have seen it in him too, but he has a hard time believing he's a person of value - regardless of what's going on. Growing up is so hard to do, I'm not so sure I'm even finished growing up yet! My body may show signs of age, but my heart will forever be young.
Thanks again,
Einna

[Doh2007]

It sounds like what I went through when my son was a teenager. I'm going to recommend the best book I found. _Parent in Control_ by Gregory Bodenhamer. He worked with troubled teens for more than 20 years.

I wish I'd found the book sooner. There are super practical ideas with specifics. I hope you love it.

There are a lot of influences working on your son, other than you. You are to be congratulated on getting him this far. You are doing the hardest job in the world. My best to you.

http://www.amazon.com/Parent-Control.../dp/0684807777

[Einna]

Sigh, I am dreading when my son wakes up - not because of anything he did, but because I'll have to tell him he'll have to go back to the old school. We talked with him about both schools and he really wanted us to try and enroll him in the smaller school. They just called and denied our application. My heart sunk and I 'bout cried as I hung up the phone. Yes, I know he has to live life and what it deals out to him and he's got to live with the consequences... but I am dreading him being lost, falling through the cracks again. I'm fighting to keep the tears back now as I'm writing this. *^#*^* it! He deserves a better chance! I gotta quit writing before he wakes up and finds me sniffling and wiping my eyes. Thanks - yeah I know, I shouldn't have even tried and prepared him to stay put in that wretched pitiful excuse for a school.

[Einna]

P.S. - thanks poobah for your book recommendation, I'm getting it.

[ECHOES]

Sometimes things like this are opportunities in disguise.
I hope you can find a way to help him put a positive spin on it.

[Einna]

You're right and that we shall. This is, as you noted earlier, a time for him to learn to deal with life, with what's going on inside and with whatever is going on at that school. There's times when I doubt my parenting, my sanity... but I think all parents go through that at some time or another. It's just nice to have this area to voice and to listen - thanks.

[ECHOES]

I feel selfish to say it, but one of the positives about my own teen's problems (he's an adult now) was his therapists. Two of them saw me separately and were very helpful to me, a single mom with confidence in my skills until he became troubled. The therapists helped him and helped me be a better mom.

[Einna]

Just got the book, "Parent Control" that was recommended - thanks! I've started reading it... why is it that things that seem "commonsense" just escapes us? It's a good book thus far.
Things seem to take so long - getting the psychiatrist appointment, the dr. , the therapist, etc.
Just wanted to let you all know you're in my thoughts and many hugs to you. I may not post a whole lot, but do wish you well... everyone with their own journeys that takes place in everyone's life. Sometimes it feels like a journey through hell, other times it's stuck in emptiness. Sometimes it's good and it seems way too short. This is a good place full of good people - thank you for your bits of wisdom in all of your posts.
{{{{{{{{{{YOU}}}}}}}}}}}}

[Doh2007]

I felt the same way. I read all the developmental baby and child books, but really needed a how-to book. People who were parented well themselves received the tools that some of us missed out on.

Don't forget to nurture yourself during this difficult time. It feels like a journey through hell, but you don't have to make it alone. We're here with you.