Focusing and moving forward

Hello, I'm not sure if this is completely the right area to post in, but since depression is involved I'll give it a go!

I am a 19 year old male looking for some advice from people who have had a similar expirience to the one I will attempt to outline as best I can.

I guess I'll start with a little background. I had my first brush with depression at around age 12/13 where I would have short bursts of moodiness (lasting a few weeks) after too many nights lying awake contemplating the meaning of life. I was considered to have a good mind, I was reading precociously and doing well at school. Though I had my bad patches, I was still able to enjoy all the things kids that age are supposed to enjoy.

This lasted until around 15 years of age. I suddenly became incredibly bored with school and my grades dropped, I didn't bother to do my homework and i was far more concerned with finding out things that weren't on the curriculum. Going onto 16/17 I had pretty much given up on school and the people around me, who I found boring and just following what they were told. I became rebellious at school, though the teachers could not really do much about it, as I still proved myself to be highly capable, even if my ideas contradicted those of my peers and tutors. I became known as someone who was prone to huge mood swings. People said they did not know whether they would chance upon a charming, funny and caring person, a bored and aloof loner or a spiteful devil who would attack even his closest friends for no apparent reason.

Anyway at around 18 I had my worst attack of depression that lasted close to a year. I won't go into details as I'm sure a lot of you know what it entails! During this time I pretty much succumbed to drinking. I had always done the usual teenage party thing, but now it was awful. I would drink so much I would wake up shaking and have the worst panic attacks (which I have expirienced a lot in my life) I had ever expirienced. I was also at my most creative, writing some stuff that I am very proud of. It was strange, I would either wake up with a black cloud surrounding my existence, or a strong desire and confidence to create.

My 18th year seemed to go by at the speed of light until I suddenly 'woke up'. I needed to stop this and begin living. I was frustrated and felt I had let myself down. Nothing I had achieved appeased these feelings of guilt and regret. I am incredibly hard on myself, nothing I seem to do is right even though others have said it is brilliant, I always see what can be improved or where i have failed. I was also appaled and frustrated even more that people who were clearly less capable or gifted were being championed and helped by teachers, just because they worked and did what was expected. I felt let down by the people who were supposed to be supporting my development for no other reason except that they didn't know how to deal with certain people who had different ideas to what was normal. I had a talent in writing and painting that was being crushed by my struggle between doing what I wanted and having to conform to certain elements in order to succeed.


SUMMARY: Since its a long post, I'll summarise here (saves you having to read it if you don't want to)

Basically have been frustrated and lacked direction in life, bad depression, mood swings and anger at what is around me. Now I have reached an age where I have realised I need to change and begin directing this energy into something worthwile. This would be a easy to define task, if i wasn't still haunted by feelings of depression, failure, self-hatred, underachievement and basically a feel that I have wasted my life up until now. However, these feelings are also countered by spells of creativity, confidence and a sense of purpose.

Does anyone have any tips on how to convert anxiety, anger and frustration into energy used in a positive direction? How to move forward in life and focus?

(I also see this expirience as something that can make me stronger and more focused on goals, like the theory suggested in Positive Disintegration (not sure who it was put forward by). I just need advice on how to use it.)

Ocy, did you basically grow up feeling like you weren't connecting with your environment or others?