[bren]

Alright, so I made it through Thanksgiving without my therapist. ( He had surgery a month ago. Thank God he will be back tomorrow for my appointment.) My good holiday was probably due to spending it with my IL's and not my sibs. Both my parents are gone now, so it is just the sibs and me. Of course we all have children of our own, and now they are even having children, but we are all one big disfunctional family.

Anyway, that is not why I am writing. I stock shelves at Wally world, and last night I went up and down ladders all night putting stuff on the risers for storage. Now when it is time to sleep, I can't because when I close my eyes I feel like I am falling off the ladders. so my brain tries to switch to something else. NOT A GOOD THING!!!!!
One of the main things that pushed me into the wonderful world of depression, is the fact that I was sexually molested as a child. The thing is, that I repressed it so much for so long, I didn't even realize what it was until I was 25. Even then I did not do anything about it until after I lost my mother. Then it all came pouring out!!!!!
I still don't remember everything. Every once in a while I have a memory surface, and I don't really know what to do with it.
There has been a big question in therepy about if my parents knew any of this. I can't imagine them not knowing that their 6 daughters were being molested by one of their own sons. With 12 people in one house, it was pretty cowded...how could they miss it. But, then again, they both worked really hard to provide for their huge family. Maybe they counted on the older kids to tell them what was going on. Nobody told our secret though, and now that they are gone, it is eating me alive. It is really funny that my parents were the first to bad mouth known child molestors.

Anyway, my memory nailed me again today. I remember my parents sitting right there when it was happening to me. You see my brother was a sly
a%%-h*$# and never made it obvious. I remember my parents telling him to stop tickling me, but what he was really doing they could not see...guess they couldn't see his other hand. Why didn't they make him stop. I am sorry if this triggers anybody, I really am, but I have to get it off my chest. I think I was the only four year old that knew how to french kiss, and thought that is how you were suppose to kiss everybody.

THIS LIFE REALLY SUCKS!!!!!!! <font color="purple"> </font>

[hamstergirl]

I was never sexually abused, but I was emotionally abused. The one thing my good friend Doug taught me is that you never keep stuff like this inside. Like my T says, you either vent or you die.

Never apologize for venting. If you can't vent here, where can you vent? I vent through wrting all the time because as a person with a disability, I have few other outlets for the emotional torment I deal with. I haven't known a day of peace from it since childhood.

When a child is abused, unless the issues are addressed, the damage is forever and even then some people never recover. And sexual abuse is probably the worst type of abuse because it can leave you feeling so ashamed.

At least you are talking about it. Some people never do and it takes others years to discuss it. When talking about things we are deeply ashamed about, it can take years to bring it into the light. I know it was this way in discussing my time at the psychiatric institute where I spent a year and a half. That happened 25 years ago and though no sexual abuse took place there, I am still deeply ashamed to have been there and in general do not discuss my time there nor think about it. But it is always with me and has coloured every experience I have had. I can only imagine how it must be for you, having been betrayed by a family member.

Abusers count on this secrecy and shame to continue to operate. But it's always worse when it's a family member, because these are the people who should be protecting you. And there is always the fear that once you "come out", you will not be believed.

Anyway, this is a safe place to vent and there is no need to apologize. If there were, then I would have to apologize first, because I am guilty of venting too. We all do it. It's a safety valve for built-up pressure and stress. If we didn't have it, where would we be?

[Maya]

I too was sexually molested as a child but did not remember it until after my mother died and I was in therapy. It is funny how our minds work - we lock things away that are too scary to deal with until we are ready to handle them. I feel for you and hope you can get over this and be healed.

[(JD)]

Such a sad time for you! Perhaps "you" waited until after your mother passed because "you" held her responsible. Once she was gone, the fears and feelings were allowed to surface. We all hold our parents responsible, much more the mother because of stereotyping. She was the one who was supposed to always be there, keep us safe, etc...

That you are remembering also means you are ready to begin to process the memories. We're here to listen.

[MontanaKimberly]

I feel for you Bren, I too was molested as a child, by my cousin who lived with us,. I did not remember until a few years ago. I told my mother and she did not believe me. Sometimes I wish that I hadn't remembered those horrible things, but then I wouldn't be able to heal. To truly grow, you must face your past and come to peace with it, otherwise you will never truly move on and heal yourself. Just remember it takes time... and time heals all wounds (with the right therapist) Good luck in your quest for healing.