[BETosca]

I have always been aware of myself as an anxious type, from the time I was a preteen. While I have been through some depressive periods, I don't think I ever *really* thought of myself as depressed. I probably had many of the markers of depression, minus suicidal thoughts and hopelessness. I guess that while I've struggled, I've always thought that I could fix it, if I could find the right way to fix it.

I now think a bit differently. I think I am depressed.

I went back to therapy after taking a break for the summer. She thinks I am officially depressed. Yes, it may have started out as plain vanilla anxiety, but, over the years, with one major stressor after another thrown at me, it evolved into depression as well as anxiety. She likened it to the oil in a car. Drive from NY to LA at 100 mph, never adding oil, and what do you think will happen? Not good stuff. Apparently our serotonin levels take a beating when under stress- in periods in between stressors, especially if we lead a healthy lifestyle, we can regenerate healthy serotonin levels on our own. Otherwise, you have to add some, somehow. Or you end up feeling the way I've been.

Stress...it started big time probably in 2002. I had a 2 year old and an 18 month old. I had strained my shoulder because of all that baby lifting and doing too much in general. I took ibuprofen. A lot of it. On on an empty stomach, or worse, with a coffee chaser, because as a new mother, I was tired all the time. One day I woke up with searing, stabbing pain in my stomach. Acute gastritis, says the doc. Stop drinking so much coffee, stop taking ibuprofen on an empty stomach, get some physio for that shoulder, and take some Losec. I'm a good patient, and I do all of this stuff. But, I also go home and google. And of course, I convince myself that I don't have gastritis (what does a lowly family doctor know after all?), I have stomach cancer! Enter into 2 week hell of anxiety where I am convinced my days are numbered, and no one can convince me otherwise.

That was just the first episode. I've had a lot of hard, difficult life events to deal with, all pretty much on the heel of each other. There was something in 2003 (my dd's major Terrible Threes...worrying "is there something REALLY wrong with my kid?"). In 2004 my dh went through what I can only call a full blown midlife crisis where he ended up having an affair that ended badly, and him in major depression and almost suicidal. We stuck it out. In 2005, just when our marriage was getting back on track and dh was being properly treated for depression, his mother was diagnosed with lung cancer. He is an only child (as am I), and we live 6 hours away by car. So that year I was virtually a single mom while dh went back and forth to his parents to help take care of his dying mother. During that same year, his possible borderline/narcisisstic personality disorder affair-ex harassed us and stalked us. Fun times. In 2006 we had a bit of a break (except for a major house reno, ultimately a good thing but not without it's stress). Then dd started grade 1 with a teacher who from day one I had strange vibes about. Oh, and somewhere in those years my dad had bladder cancer, and my mother had both her knees replaced. And, I am also an only child and my family also lives 6 hours away, with English being very much their second language. They are very dependant on me, and I become their caretaker more and more as the years go on. Sandwich anyone? But wait! There's more! And this year, my dd (8) got diagnosed as being Gifted with ADHD. I am just entering the world of IEPs and spec. ed. and all that. Yes that's a handful, even if it isn't a surprise. More to worry about. She is doing very well, but nonetheless I have a very hard time with the ruminating worries I have about her and her future, which intellectually I recognize is truly nutty.

I am scared. I have taken SSRIs 3 times in my life, two of those times in the last 5 years. The only time they really worked textbook-well was the first time, in 1996, when I took Zoloft for the first time. I took Effexor in 2003. It worked somewhat but made me far more volatile, prone to anger, and I had the famous withdrawal side effects if I took it even a few hours late. In 2006, I tried Zoloft again. This time it gave me bad gastro effects, killed my sex drive, dizziness, and increased anxiety the first couple of weeks. Maybe I should have stuck it out to ride out that first wave, but my family doctor switched me to Cipralex instead. No physical side effects with Cipralex, but it flattened me out- no really difficult periods, but no real joy either, and it absolutely killed my motivation.

I am worried that I am hard to treat. My T (a psychologist) said that it's not uncommon for family doctors to not know that much about this stuff, and that I should get started on an SSRI pronto, but try to get into the mood disorders clinic at our local hospital a.s.a.p. They have psychiatrists, they'll be better able to help me, she says. I hope she's right.

Tomorrow I go to my family doc, who I'm not convinced knows all that much about this stuff. The good thing about him is he'll give me a referral wherever I want.

In the meanwhile, I have my Ativan (for daytime anxiety) and my Zopiclone for sleeping. This was the last course of treatment my family doc had suggested, when we thought that my issue was simply episodic acute anxiety. I have been taking the ativan a few times a week when it's really bad. Yes, it takes the feeling of wanting to crawl out of my skin and inability to breathe away, but it leaves me just a bit numb, and still depressed. I know it's not the ideal treatment for me, even in the short term.

I could really use advice, your experiences, your input. Some reassurance that this *will* get better and I won't always feel like this.

Thanks so much for reading.

[BETosca]

Anyone?

I'm feeling so alone in this...I could really use some words/advice from someone who's been there...

[DOWNINNATICK]

You're not alone with your feelings, there are quite afew people here that feel the same way you do, and I am one of them. Your primary doctor doesn't really know a lot about depression, that is not what he went to school for, he is just guessing so you should listen to your T doctor and do what she says. The clinic she wants you to go through would be a great idea, you will meet others that feel the sameway and there is also doctors that know what to do. It will take time, and with the right meds. things will get better, but you will need to stay on meds the rest of your life to help keep the depression away.

[BETosca]

Thank you so much for your response...I am having a particularly rough day, probably in anticipation of my appt. with the family dr. tomorrow. My kids are also giving me a bit of a hard time, and I am SO not up for dealing with it today.

I am more than prepared to take meds, whatever works to get me out of this hell...

[DOWNINNATICK]

Kids know when it's push mommys buttons, but take a few breathes, call for a pizza and put a movie the kids love on TV and hide in another room for a few.
You're appointment tomorrow will be fine, don't stress the small stuff.
Meds will help, and talk to him/her about more treatments for depression, primary doctors don't know much about the meds, but they will send you to someone who does, but it will not be an over night cure it can take months to find just the right meds.

Good luck with the kids, just hug them and talk with them about what is happening, they are young but very very very smart for their ages.

[BETosca]

I have been pretty open (but not *too* open- I don't want to scare them) with the kids about how I have been feeling. That mummy is sad, and sometimes this puts her in a bad mood. That it's not their fault, that I'm not mad at them, and that, most importantly, mummy will get better.

In the meanwhile, I am so behind on everything. Laundry, school forms, you name it...I am trying not to take on too much, it is taking all my power just to get the basics done.