[lenjan]

Sometimes I think I am too weird to live.

So, this was my first week back at work after nearly a month off to deal with psych crap. I was showered with gifts, hugs, and good wishes -- it seemed like every day I came in, somebody had left me a present. My boss, who was the final factor pushing me over the edge, even bought me a bear! (I'll go post this on the other thread, but my name is Candy and I collect bears, OK? There are no hidden clues to my personality in my nick. )

I had a pile of work to do, but I got through most of it. The stuff I was most worried about, the person who did it in my absence followed my weird little system and style and it all went perfectly. I couldn't have asked for a better week.

Tonight I'm going to a small holiday party at the home of my two best friends. I did exceptionally well on their gifts and am excited to give them to them. They're both gourmet cooks, so there's always a TON of amazing food. I haven't gotten to spend time with them in eons, so I've been looking forward to this.

So, I had a great week and I'm about to go have a good time -- SO WHY THE F%$# DO I FEEL LIKE CRAP?!

I mean, I was just sitting here, minding my own business, reading posts, feeling fine, and all of a sudden I got this overwhelmed, anxious feeling and all I could think was,"God, I"m sad." Now I'm all anxious and jittery and I don't know what I'm sad about. I just don't get how it can happen in the blink of an eye.

Geeze -- ya think I need my mood stabilizer upped? I'm still on the every-other-week plan with my pdoc, so I see him Wednesday and will ask him about it then. But for now, instead of being happy and looking forward to the party, I want to go pull the covers over my head and ignore everything. Which might actually not be a bad idea -- it's snowing and there's a winter weather advisory out.

But anyway. I guess I'm just wondering if anyone has any ideas or suggestions or ever has this huge switch happen to them so suddenly. I wonder if the day will ever come when I won't have nearly constant reminders of the fact that I'm a freakin' nutjob.

Candy

[(JD)]

(((Candy))) sorry you are feeling so poorly, inspite of all the good coming your way. Major depression is like that... it isn't a fleeting thing, but ever present, even when you can "feel up" from time to time. As for you meds, if you have been on it for a while and it hasn't been increased in dose, you should ask your doc about doing so. Try and get through the holidays.. it sounds like your workplace had a "wake up call" with you.

[GreyGoose]

Anxiety, panic attacks and bouts of depression operate exactly like that. One minute youre on top of the world and the next BAM!!. They come out of nowhere and hit you like a ton of bricks. For example, I spent about a week learning 3D art and made tons of friends on this one message board. While all this was going on, I was also getting everything ready for Christmas (baking, shopping, decorating, etc). I was feeling just GREAT!.

Then one day totally out of the blue, I get hit with a horrible panic attack and anxiety that was just incredible. The next thing I knew I was thinking I had rabies or mad cow disease or even cancer and that only made things much worse. I totally freaked out for 4-5 days and was unable to do even function so all my 3D art and Christmas stuff more or less came to a sad and abrupt end and I was unable to function.

I have been taking Xanax and spent a lot of time today getting my hands on some Vistaril and Neurontin from the doc and talking to lots of people. So anyway, that's how these things work or sometimes you will have a subconsious fear that might only last for a split second but it will be enough to get the ball rolling and start you on a vicious cycle of anxiety and panic attacks.

- Regards

[(JD)]

Yes, true. I've noticed the increase of my panic attacks since going off my pain med. sigh...

[Maya]

I agree with all of the above. I had a couple of good days - thought my meds were finally starting to work - then BAM, as you said, depression hit me like a sledgehammer. It is very frustrating and make me even more depressed when I think I am getting better only to find out I am right back where I started. I know my T must get tired of hearing about it from me (and probably from everyone else). From what I have read, major depression and anxiety are like this - from feeling good to being slammed from one moment to the next. It has even happened to me in his office.

[shakes]

(((candy)))
Sorry that I do not have more right now

Jessica