[keelium]

I've had a rough time of it the past few weeks, but I thought that maybe I might be getting it back together, or that at least I would once I saw my therapist again.

But then this weekend, I got sick. Just a really bad cold, not horrible exactly, but bad enough that I would stay home if I didn't have exams and labs that I can't miss. And it was just that one more thing, you know? Like, I was just starting to think that maybe I was going to be ok, and then there was something else. In the midst of this, my boyfriend said something like "just try to be happy"... and I blew up at him, something along the lines of "What the hell? Did you think I hadn't thought of that? It's been four years, do you not get yet that it's not that easy?" I know, really awful of me. That led to a big fight that didn't really get resolved... basically my boyfriend thinks I'm not trying anymore to get better, so he's pissed.

But anyhow, that was my frame of mind going into my session with Colleen (therapist) this morning, and as you might have guessed, it didn't go well. I guess I expected sympathy, or at least some reassurance that I'd get through this, or something. But essentially, she agreed with my boyfriend. In only slightly gentler terms. Apparently I'd be just fine if I just TRIED HARDER. Because apparently I want to be like this.

I know where they're coming from... I have been losing hope, I have been wanting to give up. But couldn't they cut me a little slack? That's kind of part of depression... not having hope. I mean, they can push me to have hope/try harder, but they--or at least my boyfriend--- are ANGRY at me for feeling this way. I DON'T WANT TO FEEL LIKE ****. I DON'T WANT TO NOT HAVE HOPE. I'm not doing this to prove a point or to make anyone else miserable.

But anyhow, this afternoon I called my boyfriend and told him Colleen was on his side, and that I was really upset and didn't know what to do, but somehow I managed to turn this into a fight. And, long story short, he wants to break up with me now. Apparently, not only am I not trying to get better now, I've NEVER tried... I've always just sat around waiting for the magic pill, I've never put in any effort myself. Ever. Not once. In my entire life.

And I have begged him not to leave enough that he's decided he's just "thinking about it" instead of doing it tonight, but I think I've finally driven him away for good, and he just said that so I'd stop calling.

And this is the worst possible week for this to happen. I still have 2 exams to get through. I have an exam monday and a rough draft of a major paper due next thursday. I'm supposed to be going to a wedding WITH MY BOYFRIEND next weekend. I paid for his plane ticket ($230!) and my entire family thinks he's coming.

help.

[turquoisesea]

*hugs hugs hugs and more hugs*

that doesnt sound like fun at all. I know how you feel - I've had a REALLY hard time especially the past few days. I've pratically relied on my bf. If he were to desert me I'd lose hope altogether.

and it's not fair - it's so hard to try sometimes. It's so hard to keep going.

I can see where they're coming from - if you were watching someone going through what you're going through.... has your bf had depression before? ... they can't SEE the mental effort your putting in or trying to put in. And if you say things that sound like you're giving up they can get frustrated too.
that's not to say it's the right way for him to act but, it makes sense that it could get overwhelming.

Maybe, try talking to him about it. It's really all you can do. The decision has to come from him, but at lesat make sure he knows how hard you're trying, and how much you do care. Tell him it gets hard.

Also , maybe talk to him about how he's coping with your depression. If there are ways you could help him cope with you being so sad, stuff like that. Keep in mind that it's not your fault, any of this.

Keep trying
I know it's hard
*hugs*

[keelium]

Originally Posted by turquoisesea

*hugs hugs hugs and more hugs*

Keep trying
I know it's hard
*hugs*

Thanks so much.

The thing with my boyfriend is that we've been together four years. He's been through this with me many times and he's frustrated because it's the same way every damn time. I'm frustrated too. I started medication about 9 months ago now, and it seemed like it was going to be the answer... On the second med we tried, I felt great, and I told him over and over that things were going to be great now. But apparently it was only temporary, and the disappointment of falling back into it is even worse this time. I'm angry at myself too. But that doesn't help me get out of this.

[silver_moon]

Oh hun ((((((((keelium))))))))
I know where you're coming from. My boyfriend has been struggling with helping me through all this too... and we've had many a fights over the same thing. But, depression does this... depression IS hard and it doesn't go away with just a click of a finger.
And I know you're trying hun... you wouldn't be going to therapy, you wouldn't be here, it wouldn't bother you that people say you aren't if you're not trying.
Could you try talking to your boyfriend again. Maybe tell him that you appreciate all he has done and for standing by you and like Turquiosesea said, ask him how he's coping and what you could do together. But, let him know that to someone who's depressed, the comment "just try to be happy" really hurts and doesn't help at all. Because that's all we do... depressed people, we TRY, we TRY OUR HARDEST, noone wants to feel this way. Noone would go through this by choice. It's hard to know what to do when you haven't suffered from depression yourself.

Take care
Molly

[Sannah]

I'm sorry Keelium, I don't think that it is fair of them to say that you aren't trying......

[Matray]

keelium, I've been on both sides of the equation; being depressed and being the boyfriend of someone struggling with a disorder. While I can't offer any concrete suggestions regarding the prevention of your boyfriend leaving you, I do suggest that your boyfriend himself may be experience some level of anxiety/depression rooted in his inability to understand our depression and its attending behaviors plus his failure to help you. I don't know what kind of guy he is, but you do. Is he compassionate, self-centered, aloof, caring? I'm not making excuses for him when I say that he's human too and there does come a point in the dynamics of a relationship when love is simply not enough. I'm a romantic at heart and it's tough for me to say that.

I also know that we who are depressed begin to get very self-centered ourselves. I don't mean that as negatively as it sounds but the reality is, we tend to dwell on "our" problem at the expense and to the exclusion of others' problems. If your attempts to talk with your boyfriend degenerated into another argument it may because you slid back into the "need" mode instead of remaining in the "communication" mode in which you started. We've all done it and probably will continue to do it from time to time. If you have to go to the wedding with him, why don't you prepare yourself mentally and emotionally. Pulling the focus away from you and focusing on someone else in an interpersonal dynamic takes practice and for us, it's a herculean task. But it can be done. Try to engage others in conversation with your "radar" turned on and look for clues of the other person's troubles. We've all got 'em. Talk to the other person about "their" problem and don't mention yours at all. This takes practice and it's scary but it can be done. Hopefully by the time you go to the wedding, you can engage in conversation with your boyfriend and be able to be less needy, at least for a while. Try to steer the conversation away from "you" and to "him". The presence of the other guests at the wedding should be able to provide you two with enough "discussion material" if all else fails. It's not going be an overnight success. He's going to be suspicious and wait for the "shoe to drop" but at least it will be a start. It may not be a success and you may lose him anyway. If you don't try, you'll never know.

What I've related is based on my analysis of my own behavior and that of my ex-girlfriend. I hope that it is helpful to you.