[lifelesstraveled]

Why can't I just be normal? I hate the way I am and don't know why I am the way I am...I don't know what I want or need, but I do know that I don't want to be the way I am now. I look around at all of my friends and just people in general and I want to be like them. I don't know why I can't just express myself like normal people. I don't want to be afraid of people/groups and getting close to people. I don't want have this love hate, mostly hate, relationship with food and the gym; I don't want to live every day waiting to die or not really caring if I was alive or not. I don't like the fact that it's terribly uncomfortable for me to ask for help -- I never do it because I feel like I can't count on someone else to be there when I need them to be, but I do enjoy helping others when they need me (so I guess in a way that's a good thing, right?). I am tired of working myself into anxious frenzies over trivial(sp?) things. I don't want to end up in a relationship like my parents, I don't children for fear of raising my kids in the same type of home I grew up in. I don't want to end up alone for the rest of my life because I'm terrified of having a family of my own and starting the cycle again. I don't think I am a horrible person--I have never intentionally or unintentionally hurt anyone...in fact I am a people pleaser, which I hate about myself too--I just can't say no.

I can list everything I don't want, but I do know what I do want. I don't know how to say it. I dont know what I need. I only have 25 T sessions that is covered by my health insurance per year. What if that isnt enough? Then what do I do? If I'd only gotten help sooner when it started with my ED and social anxiety years ago--my parents were too self aborbed to care that my teachers all sent letters home stating that I was extremely quiet in class or that I'd withered to 100 pounds...actually they were quite proud that i'd gotten that small and was the only time I'd ever heard them tell me they were proud of me because of my discipline(they also didn't know how miserable and hungry I was). ...what if this never ends? What if this never ends and I end up alone for the rest of my life because no one will want to put up with me. right now I don't want to be with me....

My mind is spinning with fear right now...

I don't really expect or want anyone to reply to this. I just needed to vent...sorry...

[darkrunner]

(((((((((((((((lifelesstraveled))))))))))))))))))
It sounds like you are dealing with so much right now.
Sometimes fear can paralyze us. If you can, try not to look so far ahead into the future. Just focus on the present time and getting through today.
Use the T sessions you have and try to get the most out of them.
If you run out you can deal with it then, and maybe your T can even help you.
It's OK to vent - you did a great job expressing yourself in your post.
The more you process what you want and don't want, the more clear it will become in your own mind.
hand in there, and know you're not alone, and you are cared for.

ktgirl

[gimmeice]

((((((((((( lifelesstraveled )))))))))))))))
I tend to do a lot of future thinking too, because really that sounds like what you are doing. We have to remember that we don't have to have all the answers right now. I agree with ktgirl, try to use the sessions that you have to accomplish your goals, it's at least a start.
I know it is so hard to stop this type of thinking, I struggle with it often but please just remind yourself that all does not have to be known now, the future will come in it's own time.