[bren]

We started talking, at therapy, about my parent's lack of approval. Not that they didn't approve of me, they just never told me. They told my siblings, but when it came to me, heaven forbid they say it to me. As a matter of fact, they did the exact opposite to me. They told me when I was 16...
"Don't bother going to college, you will never be a teacher anyway. If by chance you do get your degree, you won't be any good at it. You might as well give up now."
Most people encourage their kids to be what ever they want to, but not my parents, they were too busy squashing my dreams.
Why! why! Why! I will never know why, because they are both dead. Why couldn't they just tell me that they were proud of me.
I did go to college, and for a lot of reasons, I quit a few years later without my degree. It was not their fault that I quit school, but I have to wonder now if they planted a seed. The funny part of it is, according to my sisters, I was the best thing since sliced cheese. My parents bragged about their daughter that was away at school all the time. I wish they could have just told me.

[Peanuts]

My folks were like that also, not so much towards me as my younger sister. They told her the same line, don't bother with college your not smart enough etc etc. She did go to college and did graduate - but it was very difficult for her as our folks with held not only words of encouragment but financial support as well.

I don't know why they did that. They are still alive and it is not easy to ask them why. They have said that they didn't want any of us to get a "big head" or to "think too highly of ourselves". Plus they say that my sister is creating drama around her youth and that it wasn't that big a deal. Only us kids know different.

Even if your folks were alive and you did confront and ask why, it is not likely that they would have given an answer that makes any sense. Because treating a child so cruely doesn't make any sense.

I'm sorry you were treated like that when you were young. I wish I could tell you something more helpful.

[Rapunzel]

Therapy has a way of turning up all the things that have hurt you and you didn't know how to deal with. Once you are able to deal with those things and put them behing you, you will be stronger than ever before, but, yes, the process really can hurt sometimes. I'm finding out that I don't have any interpersonal skills, which isn't entirely news to me, but I didn't know I was that bad.

I relate about the parents too. My parents had their ideas about what we could and couldn't do. They said that my sister was the academic one, and I was more talented in music, but then not enough to actually be good at it. My sister had their support and went through medical school and is a psychiatrist. I struggled to get through college with no support, or even much contact with my family, only to give up when I didn't get into graduate school, and not graduate even though I had fulfilled all the requirements. I went back and finished my B.A. last year (after 12 years out of school), but I'm waiting a bit before trying for graduate school again (was rejected again last year - I think my chances are better now, but will be still better after working for a while, and my T thinks I should wait too).

A couple of quotes about parents, and about success:

(this first one is painful for me)
A mother is someone who dreams great dreams for you, yet accepts the dreams you dream for yourself, and always loves you just the way you are.

(and one that's more encouraging)
Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.
-Mark Twain

It would have been nice if all of our parents had been like they should have been, but we can't change the past. All we can do is know what we would like for parents to be like, and try to be that ourselves.

[bren]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
(this first one is painful for me)
A mother is someone who dreams great dreams for you, yet accepts the dreams you dream for yourself, and always loves you just the way you are.


</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I guess I never had a mother than. Maybe that is why I have so many people in my life, that take on the mother role to me. HMMMMMMM