[luvtiels]

Hi. I have responded to a number of posts, but have not initiated one myself --- until now. My name is Linda, and I was diagnosed with clinical depression about 30 years ago (when I was a teenager). As my family and I were overseas at the time, very little was offered in the way of therapy, and NO medication at all was given or even talked about.
It wasn't until around 1989 or so that it got bad enough again that I felt I needed help, so I turned to my local mental health clinic. There I got some therapy (very little), and I think I was put on Librium. I was able to get on SSI for my depression, and became "disabled", "handicapped", or whatever. I knew I couldn't work outside my home; I always had trouble holding down a job of any kind. I also had alot of medical problems cropping up at the same time, so I was dealing with a double-whammy. Mental & medical. Wow. Talk about overload!!
Over the next 13 years, I tried several meds, and continued off and on with counselling. Mostly off, because my states' mental health guidelines allowed only one visit per month to a therapist, and that's almost worse than no therapy at all!
Well, here it is, now 2005, and I am still depressed, not getting ANY therapy at all, and not having found any meds that work worth a damn. They might work for a few weeks/months, but the symptoms get bad again.
(continued tomorrow night, as I must get some sleep now).

I just wanted to say welcome. .. I'll wait for the rest of your story
EV

[nothemama8]

I just love meeting wonderful people
Angie

[Wants2Fly]

Welcome to the forums, Linda. I am sorry that you are feeling so bad.

I first started feeling depressed as a teenager. Whether you were abroad or in the US, I don't think there was much available. I would get put on librium from time to time.

Effexor is now working for me. I can only hope that if it stops working, a new generation of meds will be available. Other approaches that help me are Cognitive Behavioral Therapy -- both used on my own and with a T -- and prayer. I tend to think that meds alone cannot be a magic wand that fixes everything but that a multi-pronged attack is needed. Plus, I think some people have a lower bottom and a lower ceiling on how "good" they will ever feel.

My heart goes out to you. Please keep posting.

[luvtiels]

Angie,

I LOVE your cockatiel pic!! I am a bird lover, and I collect birdie pictures from all over the internet. Must have over 4,000 by now. Lately I've been getting them from Webshots.

OK -- to continue with my post from last night. First, thanks to all for their words of encouragement. It aint easy to make oneself vulnerable, but I suppose it's a little easier over the internet, when you don't have to see the person you are talking to. Making and keeping eye contact isn't easy for me, especially when I'm feeling down.

So, where was I? Oh yeah... 1990. Finally got on SSI for mental disabilities after a year of trying - depression, PTSD, anxiety, etc. most of it due to my unerlying medical conditions at the time. Little did I know that they were gonna get worse instead of better. My T at the time said there was no point for me to try and work until I got my medical stuff under control, then I could work on the mental part.. then maybe get back into the workforce. HAH!! {argg, I can't use the smiley things because AOL 7 won't bring the page up}

A partial list of medical things compicating my life:

-- degenerative disc disease
-- spinal stenosis (narrowing of spinal canal)
-- spinal arthritis
-- endometriosis
-- osteoarthritis in both knees and both shoulders
-- lymphedema (swelling) in both legs
-- mild asthma
-- lordosis (severe inward lumbar spinal curvature)
-- in 1990 I had a hard time with my kidney, same thing I had when I was a baby
-- tendonitis in both ankles and both wrists
-- carpal tunnel syndrome
-- fibromyalgia
-- possible narcolepsy
-- chronic severe back pain
etc.,etc. the list goes on.....

Most of these things hadn't come up YET. At the time, the worst of it was the kidney thing. I was so distressed and upset that I seriously considered suicide. I had determined that I was not going to live the rest of my life on dialysis, waiting on a transplant. But I didn't "have the guts" to pull it off. Tried to get myself checked into the hospital psych ward, but I guess I didn't act out enough. When I get very depressed, I tend to shut down and draw inward. I get very quiet. Some ppl rant/rave/scream/howl at the moon... not me. I sit very quiet and still. Shove everything down deep inside. No one but me recognized this, and I went again without therapy or meds... but I did go to my regular doc and tell her I was depressed... so we started on the med cycle: Prozac, Paxil, Wellbutrin, Protryptiline. One psych. wanted to put me on Valium - after seeing me for only 15 minutes and mostly he talked about HIS problems! I never went back to him.

During this time I met and moved in with a truly great guy... we've been together since March 1986 - not officially married - just living together. Common-law. He has stuck with me through all of the tears, anger, mood swings, etc. I am truly blessed with him.

Skip ahead to last couple years --- finally found a good pain doc, a good physical rehab doc, and a good regular doc - but no therapist yet. And no meds for a long time.
But this regular doc recognized some of the signs of depression and suggested Celexa. I was on that for about 6 months before it stopped working. Then Zoloft, then Effexor. Seems like I was on the medical merry go round again... I just can't find a med that works long-term.
And, I STILL can't get into therapy.

The local mental clinic takes SSI, but only if you have schizophrenia, Bi-polar, DID, or are suicidal or homicidal. I am none of these. Just depressed. Need someone to talk to. Possibly 6-8 months of therapy would be enough, coupled with some decent medication. The person doing my assessmnent told me that I was too functional, too insightful for their clinic. They had far worse ppl than me who needed their services more than I did. In other words, I knew too much about my own needs!! Well, I do have an Associates Degree with a Major in Abnormal Psychology And, she tried to tell me that physical pain was NOT a major stressor!! I think I would have laughed had it not hurt so much.

So --- basically that brings us to the present time... no meds, no counselling. I sit and do puzzles, read, play with my birds, do beadwork (which IS theraputic - when my carpal tunnel allows it), watch TV with my husband (still not married, but we call each other hubby and wife), go bowling every Sunday night. I do get out of the house every day - to the local Denny's, and sit there for a few hours every afternoon. I can no longer do any housework - I have a caregiver who comes in every day and takes care of me and the house. She helps with washing the hair, washing dishes/clothes/vacuuming/dusting ect.-- things that are difficult with my disabilities.

I am trying to get my SSI switched over from mental to physical... at my last eval they said that they anticipate my getting better in about 3 years. Well, it's been about that long now. My medical health is so that I doubt that I can ever work outside the home again. I can't even stand up for 5 minutes at a time without severe pain. I am taking Methadone and Percocet for chronic lower back pain that will never get any better.

Oh my heavens -- it seems that I have written a book!! I promise that most of my posts will be far shorter from now on... unless we're discussing Parrots

[nothemama8]

Wow I applaud you for your strength, our prayers go to you, I have a few medical problems, asthma, deafness in right ear, arthritis in knees , had endometriosis( been fixed hysterectomy), mental disorders, anxiety attacks,depression, Bi-polar,and DID thanks to the DID i'm like a box of chocolates, you never know who your going to get, I'am the proud mommy to a pastel love bird named Fred, who has gifted us with eggs, and my pride and joy Ricky a cinnamon cockateil, who talks we use them as pet therapy at our support center
Angie