i don't think it's worth it

i can't imagine how life, really only just a chance at life, could be worth the fight.
i don't believe there's hope. i wish there was, but there really isn't. it's just an illusion, set out by people who don't understand hopelessness so our hopelessness and resulting actions don't intrude on their happiness.
even if i'm wrong, and there is hope, i don't think it's worth holding out for. it's been too long, the only reprieve i've ever had was artificial. now i'm just back where i was, and i don't want that artificiality again. the pain is too real to cover it artificially.
i want freedom, in any form. i wish i were willing to act on it now, but it's only a matter of time. besides, christmas would be a horrible time to do anything. so i just have to keep enduring...

I'm feeling relatively hopeless, too, but your signature song helped me tonight. Thank you for that.

Tao, my friend, you are scaring me. I'm glad you aren't going to act on it now, but I feel for you that you are feeling so bad and that you feel that there is no hope. I have been there too, and although it comes back sometimes, it isn't that bad anymore. And it doesn't last that long anymore.

Tell me, what have you tried as far as treatment? I know some of it, and that you had an ADHD med that worked for a while, right? So, what medications have you tried, for how long, and how much did they help, from one to ten? How about psychotherapy? How long, what approaches were used, and how much did it help?
Have you read books to try to help, or any other treatments, or other attempts to feel better? Are you sure that you have tried everything you can try, or is there anything else that hasn't been tried yet? Maybe we can help you think of more options and alternatives.

Did you ever read Man's Search for Meaning? It sounds like you are struggling with finding meaning in your life, especially in this suffering. Viktor Frankl's books are about finding meaning even in suffering. That might be a good place to start reading, if you haven't read them, or if you have maybe try reading them again.

What would you like to be doing in life? Is there anything that you would like to achieve, or have to show for your time here on earth?

If you woke up tomorrow and by some miracle life were worth living, what would have changed? Tell about it in as much detail as you can.

Keep talking to us!

I think we often put life wayyy high on a pedestal and decide what it "should and shouldn't be like."

Really, life is: breathing, heart beating, a physical thing.

You feel emotional pain. Lots of it. Boredom with life... lots of things. Those feelings, at least for me are overwhelming and sometimes I too have wanted to just make it stop. "freedom" from the pain. Pain is scary. Pain HURTS.

Have you ever made a list of what you think life "should" and "shouldn't" be?
Maybe, figuring out exactly what you're missing out in life, and exactly what is hurting you in life is a step.
Then you can take action to give yourself those things you want.
Start with simpler things then move on.

What are you missing? why is life not worth it? What is hurting you?

you say, life as we call it is only a chance at life. What is this real life you're talking about? What does that mean to you?
Be careful about "should" and "shouldnt" that arent clearly defined. Maybe you've answered this already - I just noticed that I almost never do.

*hugs*
sorry if this doesnt make sense, but please try to keep going
I like seeing you around on here

(((((((((((Tao))))))))))))) I'm so sorry you are feeling this way again. Please contact your t or pdoc or counsellor at school. You and I have talked about this....about how life may not seem worth it right now, but what's around the very next corner could be the happiness of your life. Do you really think it will be easier on your family if you "wait" until after Christmas? Trust me, dear friend, it will devastate them just the same. Tao, you were headed up that road, the positive road to healing. I know you've had a hard time, a very hard time, but please don't give up. Call someone, if not, go to the ER. YOU, dear person are worth it. I promise.

(((((((((((((( Tao )))))))))))))))))))
I think that everybody has had some good suggestions, I am sending you loads of hugs.

Tan.... until you really put yourself into it, recovery is very difficult... faith is a necessary ingredient.. faith in hope if nothing more..

tao, you said, "i don't believe there's hope. it's just an illusion set out by people who don't understand hopelessness..."
i felt like you once 18 years ago ..i had no hope. none. i said to my pdoc, "i am just breathing air."
i prayed to my God, he answered my plea, just like your signature.
i am living today filled with hope. hope for today, hope for tomorrow.
i hope you will find the HOPE i discovered in my darkest moment.

i'm glad it helped, really. it helps me sometimes, too.
i'm sorry. i don't want to scare anyone. :-/ it's just how i feel... :-/
ritalin kept me semi-high/manic for 2 1/2 years - effective but unreal. i've tried many medicines though i can only remember a few because of having ect treatments - which did not help, only really messed up my memory. the ones i can remember from a listing are abilify, cymbalta, effexor, lexapro, lithium, paxil, seroquel, wellbutrin and zoloft. i tried them for at least a couple months, and they did not help much, the effect is just noticeable. i'm currently on wellbutrin and celexa, which isn't very effective either. so, they help maybe 1-2? psychotherapy, i've been in counseling since 2000 continuously to various extents with various practitioners and practices, including faith-based, dbt, cbt, and some i don't know how they would be classified. every time i tried something i would try very hard during the treatment to believe it was working but would find it wasn't. each thing kept me, more or less, focused on something to try instead of suicide for as long as i was in it.
i've read faith-based books for general problems, faith-based books for psychological problems, and non faith-based workbooks. i've tried doing good things whether i have confidence in them or not - fake it until you make it approach. i've tried everything i can discover anything about.
i have not read it, though i'm really not trying to find meaning. i find meaning in my faith, which has kept me going many times. but this continues too long, and i can't stand it anymore, no matter how much i know about reason for suffering or the potential meaning i could maybe find in my life in the future.
i want to make a difference, which i've done some already. i'd like to do more, but i feel i've at least done something.
i wouldn't be alone. i'd have someone to be with in person, who i could talk to and count on, reciprocally of course. i'd be connected to someone. and i'd have someone to hug me sometimes, as that's what i really wish i could have right now. someone to support me in person when i'm down, so i can go on without crashing so easily. a real, in person friend. it feels so pathetic, though, to be so down over just missing that.
what i mean is i'm not living now, just existing, and i'm fighting to live rather than just exist. but fighting for it doesn't mean i'll obtain it, i'm just fighting for a chance to obtain it. does that make sense? a real life is living, enjoying life at least part of the time and generally, doing what we're meant to do, not just barely dragging myself along.
thank you. i saw my t today, told him i feel hopeless, but i'm not suicidal right now so it's not something to bring up. i don't think i'd be in danger of doing anything until late jan or feb. i know it wouldn't really be easier… just… doesn't seem as bad. :-/ i don't need to go anywhere right now. thank you.
i've put myself into it ever since i started. but i've lost hope… it's been too long… i don't know what more to do...

its hard Tao, i know, we move, we rest... sometimes we get stuck... we can move again, its really up to you, theres a lot of good hope and spirit here... times are harder than ever for many and we cant give up hope cause then its downhill for sure.. i dont know, i just choose to care , ive got my reasons and they wont all work for you, but i do care and im hoping and praying with all the rest.. we've only got each other here so we can choose better health, or stay stuck at the bottom... its really kind of up to everyone in a way but we can all make our own choices and what it is is that if we choose something unhealthy, thats what we get... poor health...

trying is always better then giving up, i hope you can find the energy again for another try soon

why is it better to try, really? and to keep trying, over and over again, just to get nowhere? i don't get it.

I'd like to give you my opinion on why try over and over and over again just to get nowhere. My opinion is because you aren't really getting nowhere. You may not be getting where you want to go, but you are getting somewhere. Happiness could be just around the corner.

the only place i'm getting is more hopeless and worn-out, more discouraged... :-/

Ok, you have some great clues here. I know that what I say isn't going to suddenly change everything for you (wish I had that power), but you do know what you want from life. Knowing that you want connection with someone IRL and to make a difference for someone, and to really live a real life, what changes could you make in those directions to move yourself towards the things that are important to you? BTW, I agree that actually living and enjoying life is important, and it is something I struggle with too. I think that a lot comes down to actually living your life. And it is easier said than done, but it can be done. I feel like I am living my life when I feel a connection with another person, or with my own real feelings, or with my animals. Have you experienced connections like that? What did it feel like? What were you doing? How could you increase the chances of that happening again?

Tao, even tho my life was hard, and it seemed like there were no reasons to live, i found a few things to care for.. like i said, they wont all work for you, but caring for my society became one of my cares because even tho i couldnt see my way to shore, and even tho i thought it was something wrong with my society that depressed me so much, it was still my society that helped me be rescued... i care about that..

i care about society now like not in the past.. i know my reasons cant be your reason Tan, but those are some of my reasons why its better to be better, to give back what ive been given

"Ok, so you have tried a lot of treatments. I'm sorry that they haven't worked very well for you. I know that you have been struggling with depression for a long time. I wonder if there is some trauma that hasn't been dealt with quite adequately, or what might be there that keeps you from recovering. I'm fairly convinced that there is a reason for everything, but we might not know what it is yet. The answer is there somewhere though."

no trauma. just a history of abusive peers and parental invalidation. i don't recover because i'm socially incompetent and can't get in-person support.

"Would you try reading Man's Search for Meaning? It is also about faith. Frankl writes about his experience as a Jewish psychiatrist who lost everything and survived the concentration camps, and his observations that those people who could find meaning in that existance survived, so Frankl developed a therapy about finding meaning (Logotherapy)."

ok, i'll look for it, but i don't know when i'd get the chance to read it. i understand that concept, and having a purpose in life used to be enough, but it's not anymore.

"Ok, you have some great clues here. I know that what I say isn't going to suddenly change everything for you (wish I had that power), but you do know what you want from life. Knowing that you want connection with someone IRL and to make a difference for someone, and to really live a real life, what changes could you make in those directions to move yourself towards the things that are important to you? BTW, I agree that actually living and enjoying life is important, and it is something I struggle with too. I think that a lot comes down to actually living your life. And it is easier said than done, but it can be done. I feel like I am living my life when I feel a connection with another person, or with my own real feelings, or with my animals. Have you experienced connections like that? What did it feel like? What were you doing? How could you increase the chances of that happening again?"

if i knew what i could do i'd do it. i've known what i want for a really long time, but i can't get there. the only good connection i've ever felt was with my dog, who i had to put down last week. being with her was so comforting, i took care of her and she comforted me. we'll get another dog in a few months, but i won't be around enough to have that connection with this one.

It's almost like you are singing my song. I don't have any words of encouragement, as I am in the same place right now, but I am holding out hope of a better day...and I hope you will too. From reading the other posts I see you are on medication, but I couldnt tell if you are currently seeing a T??? If you are can you talk to your T about this???

For me there is always a reason to live..I have my twin who is my BEST friend and connection to life. And my SO who I love and care for to pieces. For them I live. If I didnt have them...well....I dont want to think about that scenario. Something is obviously keeping your grip on to life..even if it's hope

I am with you on the no trauma in my childhood (at least not physical as far as I know). I had a lot of parental invalidation/they pretty much ignored me. If you are currently in therapy, maybe you T can help with the invalidation and validate your feelings and experiences and feelings/emotions??? I am currently trying to work on this with my T and it's hard for me to even admit that the invalidation could be part of why I am the way I am today.

Please be kind to yourself and be safe...

i'm seeing a t, and he validates my feelings pretty well. we're trying to work on social stuff, and i told him i'm feeling pretty hopeless yesterday, but i don't think he knows just how miserably hopeless i am. it just keeps in sinking in harder all the time - i didn't think i could feel more hopeless, but apparently i can.
my reason to live is to not devestate my mother, particularly. nothing keeps me going, just deters me from taking action. i don't even feel support from her, though she'd like to be supportive. i just can't stand the thought of how it'd effect her.
i just want to die.

can you tell your T just how how bad it is for you? maybe show your T what you wrote here??? Maybe that will help explain it to T better??? I understand how you feel on just wanting to give up and call it a life. I've been there and still go back to that point on my lowest days and it's on those days I think of my sister and boyfriend and how it would affect them if I..... You have support here on PC. Talk to your T, I can't emphasis it enough. Please please please be safe, okay?????

i don't know. i don't see him again for about 2 weeks. i'm pretty sure i'll be safe until then... i think... as far as i can guess.

Dear Tao ... I am sorry you are suffering. Listen you don't know me yet b/c I'm new, but who cares. I'm going to just jump into the deep end here and swim out to you, OK. Now, I don't know exactly what you are going through and I don't know everything you have tried to do. What has helped me emotionally in the past was when I joined SLAA (sex & love addicts anon) and listened to other people's stories and emotional baggage. Now, I'm not a sex addict, I was more a love addict, because I felt not really loved or understood as a child and I got into trouble IRL when I thought I could find love in all the wrong places. This SLAA group taught me how to love myself, how to value myself, and they validated me, which is really what I needed. Group support is very very helpful. Sometime we think too much and it helps when someone is there to say, STOP, you are a great human being. Look at all your good qualities. None of us is perfect and we will never be. We are all hunchbacks in different ways, bearing our burdens. Sometimes a therapist is not enough. We need our peers. Go find such a group and be brave. Love you.

I think that's a good reason for now. That has kept me alive over and over again, even when my mom is part of the problem.

thanks...
i'm in groups of similar interests.
it's not enough with my mom... or i never would have made attempts before...

((((((((taonuviel)))))))))

Count me here.... You know i am here to cheer you up!

Smile and laugh! it eases the pain...

Snowy....

well... i was safe today because i got snowed in... so i didn't end up near the tall buildings downtown. i've fallen farther than i thought i would yet... that late jan/feb estimate is out the window now... :-/
i don't know what i'm going to do. just what i want to do. and where i'm probably going to end up by sunday night. there's a party sunday, and i think i'll end up in a dangerous spot. but i'm not sure i even care. this is just how things are for me. i don't know what i'll do.