[marianne rose]

I had surgery almost 3 months ago and was fine for the first week. I was hit hard with severe depression the second week. I felt it like a punch in the stomach. No denying it, there it was. I kept thinking it was from the surgery (neck/spinal cord decompression) and that it would go as fast as it came. But, it came and stayed. I was told by my surgeon that after a month of depression I needed to see a pdoc. Mine is great in that he answers his own phone and returns calls quickly. He is, however, quite young. I saw him once and had a problem with insurance and medication and as a result went in for observation for a very short time. I was able to start the meds in the hospital and take some much needed time to devote to myself. The night before I was hospitalized I went to work at my midnight job. Something horrid happened as I walked down the hall to my desk. I knew I was in trouble but couldn't verbalize what was happening. I felt as though something inside me was eating away at me and I was slowly disappearing. I'm not a clock watcher by nature but that night every second was like an hour and I was surprised to make it to morning. I reflect back and wonder why I didn't die that night. It was awful. I pray to never experience that horror again. The mental picture I had was looking at myself in a mirror that was breaking and all the pieces smashing to the floor were parts of me. Bits and shards of me were all over the floor - broken and unrepairable. I'm on meds now and have been for about a month. So far I'm not thrilled with the results. I'm back about 30%. The problem is I liked, no, loved all of me. I'm wondering if I'll ever get myself back. Though I understand this is clinical depression, I find it baffling that it was not connected to sadness, self doubt, emotional loss or any of the usual triggers for clinical depression. In fact, I'm not sad. I'm not anything. I'm lost - gone - not effective. When will I be back? I miss me, very much.

[gimmeice]

((((((((((((( marianne_rose ))))))))))))))))))))

Have you tried seeing a T also? Sometimes therapy can help.

[MINIME]

I just wanted you to know i read your post. ((HUG))

[marianne rose]

No, I haven't seen a T. I have my dad's DNA. He suffered from clinical depression for many years and was in and out of hospitals most of my childhood. I've had long periods without problems. The last time I was on meds was 12 years ago and then 8 years before that. I have worked 2 or 3 jobs for the past 20+ years. My pdoc said he felt that I had created my own therapy by working so much and though I have clinical depression I've managed to keep it at bay by being busy. I gave that tons of thought and think he may have hit on something. My wonderful friends are always there for me. This whole thing just came out of the blue; an unexplained urgent need to die. I understand the benefits of therapy but I'm not sure it will help as much as drugs or even ECT. In the hospital the social worker said she thought therapy wouldn't hurt but wasn't sure it was necessary. I'll talk more with my pdoc when I see him. Thanks for caring enough to respond. This site has been exceptional support.

Originally Posted by gimmeice

((((((((((((( marianne_rose ))))))))))))))))))))

Have you tried seeing a T also? Sometimes therapy can help.

[marianne rose]

Originally Posted by MINIME

I just wanted you to know i read your post. ((HUG))

Thanks. I love your winter scene. It's my favorite season. Cold air makes me feel alive. Snow is my favorite eye candy.

[MINIME]

Thanks. I am sick of snow and I hope it doesnt com back here..lol but it is pretty. hang in there ok?

[marianne rose]

Originally Posted by MINIME

Thanks. I am sick of snow and I hope it doesnt com back here..lol but it is pretty. hang in there ok?

I'm trying...

[madisgram]

sometimes clinical depression can have symptoms of emptiness, a flat affect. perhaps that is what's going on with you. i've had that feeling myself before proper meds balanced my moods. hope you are feeling better soon.

[marianne rose]

Originally Posted by madisgram

sometimes clinical depression can have symptoms of emptiness, a flat affect. perhaps that is what's going on with you. i've had that feeling myself before proper meds balanced my moods. hope you are feeling better soon.

I've been on meds for about a month now and I feel the stimulant effect but not much more. As an antidepressant, well, I'm still waiting for that to happen. I don't sleep much and talked my friends ears off tonight - totally obnoxious. I still feel empty. Look better but don't feel it. The need to die isn't as urgent as it was a month ago but it's not gone either. I've had clinical depression before but some of these symptoms are new to me. Thanks for the support. This site is a big help. It helps to know people care. Thanks, again.