I'm not sure what's happening...

So I think of killing myself daily: how to do it, why I'd do it, what would happen in my "absence." Mother continuously asks, "What do you have to be upset about? You have everything." Physically, she is right: I should be happy not to be starving or homeless. Why am I not? I am trying my best not to sound melodramatic or whiney here.

I am not sure if it's right to self-diagnose—since I end up at a different conclusion every time—but here's my attempt. The problem is that I feel stretched, pulled, and malformed because of it. What should I care about morally? What should I care about intellectually? What should I feel, or what should I be feeling right now? Each question leads me to two or more equally attractive answers, and—like some medieval torture device—it seems like I'd be torn apart at the seams.

These thoughts have become the business of everyday life, and thus they are "normal." According to the rest of the world, I shouldn't be like this and I certainly do not want to remain this way. It, however, doesn't seem to be changing any time soon. Sometimes 'I' feel alien to myself, like I'm looking at a character go about the business of fulfilling some story. What a bland story that would be.

I'm not sure what's going on. One minute I feel upset about the state of the world, and the next minute I feel upset about myself. After that, I start thinking about plans to finish my life off. Then, I'll start thinking about "what it'd be like to die." I'm not sure it'd be "like" anything—it wouldn't "be" anything at all, I suppose. Bah.

What's wrong with me?

iam not pro so i cant give my diagnosed but if you felt this things really bother you maybe you should seek profesional helps

welcome to pc!! i'm not a pdoc but it sounds like you are in a depression...could be more, but don't want to speculate. what you can do is keep a journal about how you feel. if you don't have a therapist, can you obtain one? many times a T can help you unravel your thoughts. i hope you will follow through and get help. sometimes it's too difficult to understand on your own what's going on. also do you trust your parents enough to get them involved with getting you help?
hope you find the answers you need real soon. keep us posted, k? we're happy to listen.

I am concerned that you have suicidal thought daily. I do also and I am receiving psychotherapy and medications. The thought are telling you that something isn't right and it doesn't matter your circumstances it seems that you could benefit from therapy. I hope that you will seek it.

I actually have a great life if it weren't for major depression, ptsd, borderline personality, eating disorder and dissociative disorder. But, circumstantially, I am satisfied with my life. However, I am in therapy four times per week, take medications and see a psychiatrist everyother week. All are essential for my mental well being.

Please consider seeking professional help.