I miss being happy

Hi everybody. I was diagnosed with depression in August, and it's been a bit of a struggle since then. The doctor still hasn't figured out the best course of medication for me, so I've had to deal with coming on and off of a lot of different meds, but in general I think that the most difficult part of being depressed is how difficult it is to function on a daily basis doing simple things like getting up, getting dressed, eating three meals a day. I just don't have the energy anymore, but I can never get to sleep either. I'm a Canadian student studying in Scotland, and I think that moving to a new country and starting university last year triggered the depression, and while I've been here almost two years now I'm not finding it much easier to get on. I've pretty much lost interest in my courses, and my marks have dropped to prove it, and although I feel like this should bother me (I used to be such a perfectionist!) I can't even get up the energy to care. I'm really homesick, and I think that's part of the problem, but I feel like if I go home now I'll have failed myself and all the people who had such high hopes for my future. Some days are better than others, I guess, but I'm tired of crying myself to sleep and all the negative thoughts that keep bouncing around inside my head, and feeling like I'm swimming in molasses all the time! I can't remember the last time I was genuinely happy. Now, whenever I have a happy or peaceful moment, there's always this part of me that's braced for when I come down from it, so I can never fully enjoy anything anyways. I just want to be happy again, but I'm not sure I know where to start.

I can sure understand your frustration. It really sounds like you may need to regroup. Depression seems to grip us so tightly we can't think or do much of anything. I understand you're reluctant to disappoint everyone who had high hopes for you going abroad to school. I certainly would not want you do give up on your education but maybe your timing isn't right. Would it really be so awful to go home for a semester? If you're that homesick you just may need to be home. I will tell you that whether you go home or stay in school the sun will come up in the morning and everyone will go on with their day. Is worrying about letting others down more important than your health? Maybe a school counselr can help you weed through your options. Good luck to you in whatever you decide. Take good care of yourself.

just another suggestion that helped me with my depression. EXERCISE. it will jumpstart the good chemicals in your brain and help sustain a sense of well-being. it will also wear out the tension in your body so you can sleep better. daily workouts regardless of the exercise... brisk walking, jogging, etc. meanwhile i hope the meds you are taking will kick in and help you too. let us know how you're doing . talking about how you feel helps lessen the intensity too. keep posting.

Thanks. I'm seeing a school counsellor and she's helping me work through this for now. I'm going home in a few days and I hope that I'll be able to relax and work a few things out. I've been feeling pretty awful lately but coming here it's been nice to see I'm not alone.

Hello. Your story reminds me of mine. I'm a borderline and I've been very depressed lately. Like you, I was a foreign student in Scotland. Being abroad is so hard sometimes, it's like you're alone all the time, even if you meet tons of people, it's always superficial.

For how long have you not been home?
Just a few weeks there might be helpful. I'm not close to my family, they don't now anything about my problems, but spending three weeks with them and my true friends helped me so much!
Also, Scotland weather is not a very good ally to overcome depression. I love love love this country, but there's so much rain all the time, most cities are too industrial, etc.

I've decided to leave uni. I was a very good student but I suddenly lost all interest in my studies. I became like the worst in the whole class...
It's hard to feel you're going to disappoint people but if you're not able to study anymore, it's not the end of the world, it doesn't make you less clever. You can take a break, and start again later, or only study part-time, so that you can go slowlier.
Personally, quiting school helped me. I was dreading people's reaction but they've been really understanding, and the idea of leaving Scotland, finding a full-time job and starting all over again somewhere else is healing, I've got something positive to focus on.
And you should not be afraid of talking to your advisor about your doubts. People in this country are usually understanding when it comes to this kind of problems. Well, they've been very nice and patient to me.

Good luck to you. Please let us know what you decide to do.

I Feel Quite Similar, Except Im Not strong Enough 2 tell Peaple bout How depressed i Feel.
I Have only Recently joiined this site & Hopefully Will Help. But with your Title ' I miss Being Happy' i Totally Agree With. Its Been Getting WOrse atm.

Try and Concertrateto on the Good Things Liike
Friends, Familly, That u got into Unii. Also Maybe you Shoulld Try and Put More Trust On Your Friends Which If your like me Itll Be Hard.

Hopee It Gets Better.x

I'm thinking about going home to take courses in creative writing instead -- it's what I like to do most, and it's the only thing keeping me sane right now -- or at the very least taking some time off from my studies here. I just don't know when this is going to end. I'm too tired to do anything. I'm supposed to be studying for exams but the thought of opening a textbook is just so overwhelming. I can't concentrate, and I'm afraid to be around people because I feel like I could burst into tears at any moment and they'll all think I'm crazy or something. I feel like I've become a completely different person. I miss the one who liked to laugh and tell jokes and learn. I can't remember not being tired all the time. I know that treatment is the best way to get through depression, and i'm seeing the doctor and the counsellor, but it feels like it's getting worse, not better. I just keep wondering what if it never ends? what if I'm like this forever, and I never get to be myself again?

that creative writing course sounds great for you! it'll help you write about what you feel. better yet, why not keep a journal about how you are feeling each day? (idk why i didn't suggest this before). write whatever comes to mind. this journal is for you so you don't have any heavy pressure about it. if you can share this journal with your counselor or pdoc. it will reveal things that are in you head, depressive thoughts and causes or catalysts, false beliefs about self,etc. that will immensely help the pdoc, etc. sometimes it's hard to verbalize our feelings of doom and gloom but writing about it works.
i can totally relate to how you are feeling, can't concetrate, etc. i was once like that too and the feelings of hopelessness and helplessness are so overwhelming. please try to remember that you are inside there waiting to be healed of this oppressive illness. it took a lot of work with my T and pdoc but we got there. now today i feel good about myself and with meds that work find that for the most part have an incredible life. at one time i had no idea this could happen. so you just hang in there and keep posting too cause that helps too. i care and i'm sure am willing to listen.