[Poppet]

Hey, 'real me' is back.

Felt so useless, unworthy of noticing, pathetic and needy most of the day - hence earlier posting. I had a good look at myself and even though I felt that stuff, at the same time glimmers kept peeking through saying it wasn't true.

I feel ashamed to admit that I felt like a little kid who wants more and more of her mummy's love and at the same time feels she doesn't deserve it.

For mums love, read kind and caring ppl who accept me where I am and understand depression. Its so new and nice to find this place, its like something I could only ever have dreamed of !!

Even as I write negativity is coming but I am not listening to it - I will trust my own true feelings and stand by what I write.

I think I have started today to make the connection which is, like, so obvious about depression. Viewing it as an illness - ppl have said this to me a lot and in theory I understand it. But that total realisation has not happened - its so interesting that I have been thinking all day about it.

I pictured depression as being like a disabled arm (just an example) that hurt and looked disfigured. I have spent years of hating that 'arm' and kept it covered up, most ppl never knew it was there, I was ashamed of being judged because of it, or rejected.

The pain the 'arm' caused relates to so many negative and cruel thoughts and beliefs I have ingrained in me, but they are a symptom of a disability and flare up just like physical pain could flare up in that 'arm'.

If I look at it like this, I feel it is a start to accepting that it is part of me, cos as much as I hate that 'arm', it is mine and I need to learn to live with it - even be kind to it and take care of it ?

As for what has caused this change - who knows the exact cause, but I think having you all here has certainly been a major ingredient in the mix !!!!

So you are already so special to me and I havent hardly been here a month ! This is quite scary to admit but, no pain, no gain - .

How long did it take you to realise it was an illness ? I would like to know if others have had this 'revelation'.

Its such a shift in perception for me and could be a turning point ? Hope so !

keep on keeping on, all of you .......Poppet

[silver_queen]

Nice writing, Poppet. I'm glad you;re feeling some better and are prepared to give yourself some leeway. That's good.

To answer your question: it took me quite a while to realize what was wrong with me. In fact I didnt start to realise what was wrong until i was starting thinking about suicide... so it probably took me 3 months or so to understand what was wrong. In those three months i was becoming increasingly depressed but i think now that i may have been suffering from mild depression for maybe a year or more before that. i do still have depression, but i sometimes deny to myself that i have it...

[phoenix30]

Hello...

You put down your thoughts so well...

In answer to your question, it took me almost 14 years to realise that my dpression is something that not only can be treated but needs to be treated. I think i first began feeling depressed when i was 15, I have sought help from my doc but it was only about 4 months ago that i admitted to myself that this was something i do need help with. I'm not going to get over it and i can read as many books as i like - i need to be 'treated', otherwise my depression will continue to get worse and worse - just like most other 'illnesses' that are left intreated.

x

[Wants2Fly]

Hello Poppet -- The Forums had exactly the same effect on me. That of revelation.

Ts had been telling me that I had an illness -- for years, for decades. I knew that that was how it was medically defined. I also knew that it was dangerous to let an employer know too much (no matter what federal law says).

I knew that no matter how "sorry" people might feel, they didn't want to be around me. It was stigmatizing.

This summer was very, very bad for me. One of the few things I could still do for myself was post here -- and by the grace of God, I was led to this place.

I had to read the message over and over from members who responded to my posts -- you are sick. This is an illness. Would you hate yourself if you had a broken arm? The flu? A gall bladder infection? Go to a doctor and get meds. Start seeing a T again. Take care of yourself. I had to read these same things many, many times.

And finally it sunk through. I know exactly what you mean by the revelation. Somehow we know depression is an illness, but we get mixed messages about it from friends, relatives, society:

Pull yourself up by your bootstraps. It's just a mood. Your're not doing anything to help yourself. There was thread about all these crummy ignorant messages we get that suggest we are lacking bec. we are ill.

I am glad that being here on the forums is helping you, too.

[Poppet]

Hi Silver Queen, Pheonix30 and Wants2fly - and thanks for your replies.

Silver Queen, Denying that you have it......Know what you mean, I go in and out of that so much. I just don't want it so much, I pretend to be ok. But hopefully, I am starting to change - own it, I suppose !

Phoenix30, Anyone who hadn't been through this would probably not understand how a person can have an illness for years before acknowledging it.

But I have been like this since childhood and only now because I broke down and literally couldn't go on, am I taking it seriously.

Wants2fly, I know you are in a crumbly place at the moment and reading this after seeing your post on that has made me appreciate you more.

Your negative thoughts were saying about feeling guilty for many things inc using the forums too much - it sounds like the forums were your lifeline through a difficult summer. They are special.

I hope you can fight against depression making you feel bad for doing something so helpful to yourself - you were doing (and still are) a good and brave thing -keep reaching out .

Bye for now, chicks.........peace if possible, Poppet

[(JD)]

chicks. how cute. tc poppet

[Wants2Fly]

TY for your kind words, Poppet. Hope tomorrow is better for us both.