update

I haven't really posted since I got out of the hospital. I have been working, working, and more working. I am on vacation now though, so I can catch up to the things that I have been neglecting.
Friday the 11th, is our 10th wedding anniversary. I can't believe we made it this far, and we are still in love. The worst part is that he is very unattentive, which he gets from his father. This has been the cause of a lot of my problems in with my depression. As the youngest of ten kids, I was ignored a lot growning up, so when I am ignored now, it cuts to the core of my being. I am getting better at informing him that he is being a jerk though.
Anyway, We are going to go to the motel that we spent our wedding night in (local), and stay in the honeymoon suite, just like we did ten years ago. I have planned on sneaking in there early, and decorating it like our wedding reception, and just a little romantic. I will place candles around the hot tub, and hearts all over the bed. I also plan on getting some red and black (our colors for our wedding) helium balloons and floating them around the ceiling, with ribbons dangleing down. Needless to say, our wedding had a hearts and roses theme. I will also strategically place roses around the room. I have been planning this for so long.
We will also be dining at one of our favorite sit down restaurants. It is sort of fancy, wich we are fast food people, so it will be nice for us both.
Alright, enough of my plans for romance...we will probably fall asleep early anyway, as we are 10 years older, and a lot less healthy than ten years ago.

I have thought a lot about my recent hospitalization. What really bothers me about it, is how do I know what will trigger me anymore. This time there really was no trigger. There has always been somthing that triggered my major depressive episodes, but this time it just happened out of nowhere. Even my husband and I were getting along, and he was talking to me and pay attention more than ever. How will I ever know?
The other thing that bothers me, is when I was in the counselors office. I don't remember talking to him, let alone what was being said. I mind was so messed up at that point, I just don't remember. I do remember standing in the corner of his office, crying hysterically, begging him to not send me someplace different than I had been before (he wanted to send me to "crisis intervention", what ever that is, instead of the hospital).
I could not handle something new and it totally freaked out my already freaked out mind. Being so messed up, that I don't even remember how I got there, or what was being said, scares me, A LOT!
I remember telling the doctor, once I was admitted, that there was nothing he could do to help me. "No matter what anybody does, I will always be screwed up, and there is nothing you or anybody else can do past keeping me safe from myself." You know that is a horrible feeling.
"But Brenda, we have helped before."
"No! You put a bandaid on the problem, and sent me out in the world to fend for myself....I am right back where I started though, so apparently it didn't work now did it!!!"

Oh well I have therapy tomorrow, so I will discuss all this then.

TTFN
bren

Hello Brenda -- Your anniversary preparations sound like a night to remember! I hope confiding in your T helps tomorrow. And we are here.

((((((((((((((((((((((((Bren))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Welcome back, Bren!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(((((((((BREN))))))) Good luck on your beautiful night. Take care of yourself. We are thinking of you. Good Luck Girl!!!!!

Bren - congrats on the 10 years. Your plans sound wonderful. Have a great time.