[phoenix30]

Had a couple of days there, where things were looking up and I felt like the cup was, you know, half full again.

Been busy at work so the days have gone in quickly too, been having fun with my wee angel - she's learning new words everyday - so hilarious sometimes, asleep by 7, like normal, I've tidied up, popped in and out of here, reading, browsing, even ventured into chat...

Don't know how I feel tonight, I'm tired, no surprise there, energy gone, mind blank, don't know why I'm even bothering to post, nothing to say, just tapping away as the words pop into my head. Thinking about Friday - meet my new T - don't know what to say. I'll prob clam up and not say any of the important stuff.

Starting to think I shouldn't waste his time - my stuff is insignificant compared to most others. I told my friend something about myself on Friday nite, when I was pissed. Something from my past - I know I was testing the water, seeing how she reacted cause I know it's something I will have to tell my new T. I'm surprised - she was fine bout it - supportive, understanding. Maybe she didn't believe me? Or maybe I'm over-reacting bout something that happened? Maybe it wasn't that bad and it's nothing to do with my depression/anxiety? Fu*k... I just don't know.

I'm so sick of not knowing. I'm so sick of not being able to snap out of it. I'm so sick of my mind 'teasing' me the way it does. 2 days of feeling good, 2 days of feeling like a 'normal' human being and now this, back to this.

Sobbing on the sofa, wondering what the f*** is wrong with me. Sorry, I swear a lot, trying not too… I put in little stars in place of letters, like some other people do, like cartoons.

D’you think I’ll ever get to the root of this? D’you think there’s an answer to all this. Or am I just weak and pathetic. How come I manage to hold together a pretty good life for me and my daughter, hold down a job, a house??? How do I do all that and then sit here, night after night feeling like this – where does it come from – or where do I go to? It’s just the nights… some days, things just happen, life ticks along easily, other days I struggle to put on a show for the world, like today. Dead inside. Putting on a show for the world. Don’t have the energy to keep going like this. No more tears are left. Why do I cry so much? Why do I hate myself for doing it? Why am I so pathetic? Going to bed, tired, face hurts, body hurts, neck, back, stomach, arms. Hope I don’t dream too much, bloody meds, so vivid.

[jmo531]

(((((phoenix))))) I know how your feeling. Somtimes I feel broken and I don't know how to put myself back together again. Somedays I feel whole and I grab on to those days for dear life. Often times I wonder why I must go through such horrible pain. It hurts. Crying. Too much to deal with at times. But then I realize what I was put here to do and that is to be the best mother and wife to my three children and husband. I know that sometimes it's even hard to stay focused for tose reasons but sometimes it's the only thing that gets me through and my will to overcome this horrible disease. I just wanted to let you know that your not alone and we are all here for you. I hope you have brighter days ahead. In fact I'm sure you will. Take care now and always.

[wisewoman]

I don't know why it changes but I know the pain is real and I am so sorry. Good job taking care of baby despite all. I am glad you are going for help.

[celeste123]

Good that your getting help wish i had the nerve to do it. Even if the thing isn't causing you depression it's on your mind and you should talk about it. Good luck with the new T take care.