crashing

I'm sorry to be back here again, right now it feels like my only life line??? weird...

Went to work today, got there on time too - amazing. Was taking a student round with me today, so i was just on automatic pilot, giving him the ususal tour and and talk.

Daughter has gone to bed already, 6.30 tonight, she was really tired - almost sleeping whilst cuddling on the sofa... so sweet.

At one point today i was driving in the car by myself. I couldn't get the radio to work?? Don't know what's gone wrong there... country roads, silence but for the engine and my own thoughts screaming thru my head... what if i crashed? what if i lost control of the car? what if the road was slippy cause of the rain and freezing weather? it would be an accident. there would be no-one to blame. i hate myself for having those thoughts. i am so weak and selfish. i have a beautiful daughter who i love like i never knew possible. i would die for her. what would she do without me? how can i have those awful thoughts? how can i imagine having a horrible accident? what would she do without her mummy? i'm so fu**ing selfish. how could i think that. i don't want to die, i'm not thinking of suicide, but i couldn't get those thoughts out of my head. if something bad happened to me, i wouldn't feel this way anymore. it would all be gone and the world would be a nicer place. why did i think that. what's wrong with me? why am i so selfish and self absorbed? why isn't this bloody medication making me feel better, like it did before?

Sorry, really hate myself today. Common sense tells me that i will be ok soon, this downward spiral will come to an end, and i will stop spinning, and just stand still. i'm fed of waiting for that day to come. I'm now doubting that T will help... getting so anxious about going, day after tomorrow, it's not long now.

our minds have a way of taking us to the scariest place. Maybe you are reminding yourself that you are now responsible for a dear baby. You are not bad, you have feelings and you are trying very hard to be healthy. Good luck to you.

I experience thoughts just like this. I have a loving husband and a wonderful 7 year old son. And yet I cannot help but think of "how, when, why and what with" most of the time. It makes me feel selfish and self absorbed too, but it also makes me realise I am seeking release and peace.
I hate these thoughts and their presence in my life. They have pushed me to two attempts already, which I regret!!

I understand how you feel. You are not selfish at all. We can have all the common sense and logic in the world but they simply do not work when our hearts and minds are besieged with feelings and thoughts beyond our control.

I'm am still new and not well known to the various forums but from what I have seen, there is never a need to apologise for being in a certain place. I hope that you will feel some comfort from that. Take care of yourself.

((((((((((((((((phoenix))))))))))))))))

((((((((((((((Phoenix))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry to hear you are feeling so down. And I hope that your t can help - is it your first time ?

If you feel up to it, it would be nice to hear how it went - it is such a big thing isn't it ?

My thoughts are with you.............. Poppet