[lostandlonely]

So I can feel it coming on like a monster that you pray doesn't revisit you again. I was doing so well too. I was so happy that it had been two years since going off my meds and I was amazed that I still felt pretty good. Then suddenly one stressful event and it's back to the black hole...slowly but I see the signs now. It started with ONE FRIEND who put me down and made me feel bad about myself....and then I went into myself saying this is why I'm still single, this is why I have trouble keeping relationships because I MUST be a bad person, unlikable and certainly unlovable. the rational side of me knows she's not a good friend, and she was drunk and belligerent when she put me down, but the paranoid side of me thinks she is right and that's why I don't allow myself to get too close to people because the minute there is any problem, I blame myself and criticize myself. So I started to feel bad about what she said...then it got worse....I got a ticket that I can't afford and then got laid off from my job. For the past week I have been doing nothing but sleeping and crying.....the black monster has returned to my life the mother ****er. Just when I thought I was able to manage life brought the ****er back into my psyche and now I'm back to wishing I were dead/not here and wishing I had the guts to just kill myself. I no longer have a purpose in life...the only purpose I had before was my job because I'm not married/no kids so what/who do I have to live for? My job kept me here and now that I don't have that either I feel I have no purpose and the future looks grim to me. I don't see a future. I don't see how I'm going to pay my bills. I turn 38 tomorrow and am so depressed becasue I feel like such a loser. 38 and what do I have to show for it? Nothing...single, unmarried, jobless. What's the point of me wasting my time/energy on this planet. I feel like I am just here going through the motions waiting for the bus that will take me away from all of this. Of course they say suicide is hell but life feels like hell to me...like one dark empty vacant hole....a black hole that I endure every day. This is not living...this is enduring. I know people in the world have it worse than me but they also have a desire to live and a hope to live...I have none of that. I feel nothing but sadness. I feel unloved, unappreciated, unwanted and unimportant...completely purposeless. the fact that I am where I am right now in my life at 38 tells me that I'm right. I'm a 38 year old loser with nothing to live for and nothing to show. I'm spending my bday alone. I hate myself. I hate that I'm so ****ed up and complicated...why can't i be like everyone else...married, kids, job and happy. I have none of that. all i have is my miserable ****ing self, a worthless piece of unlovable ****.

[Rachie]

You're not a loser or unloveable or a piece of ****. You belong in this world and you deserve to be happy. Maybe the reason your so called friend was nasty to you is maybe shes jealous of how happy you were and how good your life was compared to hers. I can understand how you are feeling down because of your job loss but its not the end of the world im sure you will find something soon. You just need to keep your chim up and not let this horrible beast get the better of you, xou have beaten it once before and you can certainly do it again. I really hope things start to look up for you soon. I kno how you@re feeling with the job loss my bf was fired and a few days ago we were evicted from our house. Please dont insult yourself im sure you have a beautiful soul and are a very kind and loving person. *hugs*

[turquoisesea]

Maybe you need some meds again to get you through this rough patch.

The beast has been shooed away once, you can do it again.

Your friend does not define you. What your friend does or does not do doesn't prove you to be good or bad

[Rhapsody]

((( HUGS ))) - I too went two years without any medicine after being on several meds for five years and then my dark cloud of unhappiness and depression came back with a vengeance... I made a bee line to my doctors office and got back on a dose of Celexa and I have better ever since... I was determined not to let the ugly monster try to take my life again and YOU CAN TOO!

[trevorzero]

At age 38, you still have time to turn things around. Don't make 38 sound like 68. That's your first reality check.

[nightbird]

Dear Lost,

This is a three step forward, two step back kind of thing, I think.

I've been there, all was well for years than I hit the dirt! That was a few years ago.

I'm back on my feet, although it took time... because I began to find relief for my sadness thru nutrition, exercise, talking to others, heck, even joining a support group.

Before I knew it, I was back in form, even better... although I learned this time to allow my feelings to flow, even weepy ones, just let those tears (filled with healing chemicals) run free.

I learned to let my laughter linger and to smile more (well, I don't want that long swallowed a crate of lemons look either, lol).

I met new people joining a movement class and by learning something new, qi gong.

I opened up my soul again... and let people come in and go out, no hostages here...

What I'm trying to say is that maybe trying some nutritional changes, and adjusting your sleep hours to get enough, and getting some healthy activity in there, along with being around some positive people will jump start you 'out of this dark hole' ...

You probably know all this... but it helps to be reminded that we need to self-soothe, relax, get peaceful and learn new things for our brains and to help our chemical connections there stay healthy, as well as our bodies... that we tend to them, since we have been dragging them along our ride since day 1.

Maybe you need to fine tune something so you don't hit the wall so hard...

Whatever it is, I'm just throwing ideas out here....

You will find the good moment, and that moment will take you to the next better one... and so on, until you are connecting more good moments together, using your thoughts to keep the best ones coming... and acting on them when appropriate to do so.

Once you get on top of yourself again, the other things seem so doable...yes... (lost question mark)

Hope you have some good moments today... creating them with your mind and acting on them in positive ways.

You will be alright... this will pass. Hang in there.

Peace and Support,
Night