[cybermember]

Below is a letter I sent yesterday via email to the Executive Director of the place where I go for therapy. She has offered to not charge me for copays or any deductibles that have to be met for my insurance coverage. The reason being is that she cares about me and wants to help out. Now looking back, why I felt so compelled to send out this email is beyond me. I then asked her if she is still talking to me and she said, "of course" but is worried about me. I now feel really stupid. Really.

Dear xxxxx,

I really appreciate all that you have done for me so I am indebted to you, but unfortunately I put myself in the hole I'm in. There is no one to blame but myself. My therapist says I have an illness and that it's talking right now, but I have to disagree. I'm fine, really. I've been lying to everyone all this time. I really don't have an illness. I made it all up and have been taking everyone for a ride all this time, including you. I'm sorry. So don't listen to me anymore, don't help me anymore because I am a liar, a manipulator, and a sham. I mailed a check to you today for $50.00. It's your money, please take it. Buy some toilet paper or paper towels. I'm sorry for all the trouble I've put everyone through. I so didn't want to ever be a drama queen and unfortunately I ended up that way. Please forgive me. I didn't mean to hurt anybody.

Love,
Me

[leacon]

Sounds as if you were trying to push her away and isolate even more. She probably understands this and thus is more concerned not angry.

[justfloating]

((((((((((crybermember))))))))))

I agree with leacon. As Executive Director she's in a position to realize that you're not in the best place right now, and as someone who cares about you she's probably just concerned and wants to help.

[cybermember]

I did manage to talk to my T yesterday, twice, but unfortunately it was before I sent out the email to the executive director. I did mention the email to my T, that I was compiling it, and she did suggest that I hold off on sending it - that perhaps I would have had a change of heart the following day. Well, I didn't heed her advice and impulsively sent out the email. I hate when I get like this.

My therapist did mention that I was isolating myself, but for some reason I wasn't hearing her at the time. I told her that I think I'm too much for her to handle and that I was sorry for burdening her. She reassured me that I wasn't a burden and still looks forward to working with me. I hear her, but I'm not hearing her.

I'm at a point where I don't think I'm ill even though I was given the diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder bipolar type and am now on a downswing. That somehow I can weather the storms just like everyone else. I'm thinking that I am weak and need to get my act together. I just need to stop complaining and try harder.

[kaytibear]

You are trying as hard as you can. If you could have done something to stop feeling this way I am sure you would have. Getting a diagnosis like that is hard. Give yourself the time and compassion you would give to another in your shoes. Do something nice for yourself today like taking a warm bath or reading a good book in sunlight.

Kayti