just my ramblings (trigger possible)

I dont know what i want or need to say , but certainly something.
In the last month things have just been spiraling out of control it seems . I guess it started with a session that i unknowningly made a threat to my T. Apparently she made a comment and i said something to the effect of "well dont forget we are alone in here". I didnt remember the comment and it took about 2 1/2 weeks for the whole thing to be told to me ... needless to say i was quite upset , in the end i guess mostly at myself that i would have said that to my T in the first place. In between the time that i made the comment and was told what happened i had a really tough session that i guess i reverted back to a very small child in session, it scared me a lot . 2 weeks ago now i actually let out my anger about issues related to these 2 incidents and also went off on this other thing where i was able to put the anger in prospective as to where it was coming from and why. And finally for the first time i wrote a letter to my dad , who abused me as a child.( he passed away 3 yrs ago , so i have no where to send it , but wrote it anyway) So last session i took in all this writing and feelings and just really let out a ton of emotions that i would normally keep very private. Since then stuff has been coming at me from everywhere and no where . It felt like i had finally made progress at my last session and i was hoping that given the things that were coming up , maybe i could keep up the progress. Then i showed up for my appt with T on wed as usual and was told that she wasnt in , but would be back the next day ,however didnt have anything open. I was so disappointed . Normally the secretary would have called me , but forgot . Anyway i have known that the possibility of the T being out ,has been there for the last 2 weeks (she was waiting on a grandchild to be born out of state) It just felt like such bad timing , that it was this week she was out. This past friday i had an appt with my regular doc and was expecting to be much later than i was , so i called the T's office just to see if she was available to see me before going back to work. Technically she was , but had a crises on the phone so i didnt go in . Then she calls me back later on to see what i wanted , and apoligized for not being able to get me in , then told me that for some reason i was inadvertently left off the schedule for next week. UGH ( i have a standing appt every wed from 3:30-5 ) I just wanted to cry when she said this ... i was so disappointed . She did say that she would move things around and get me in , but i told her not to worry , i would be fine. I am not fine though ... everything has just been so crazy and mixed up in my head . Its kind of like i am remembering something , but dont know what it is ... if that made any sense . And i have had this need to tell my dad a lot of things , so i have been writing him . I dont even think i can describe the feelings that have been coming up in the last 2 weeks , i dont know why i bother to try. On wednesday the 18th we were told that due to cutbacks our dept would be firing 2 employees by this past friday.. i was at my wits end waiting and wondering would it be me . Well friday came and although it wasnt me this time , it seems that there will be more cutbacks in the coming weeks and we just dont know who will be next. This economy sucks ! I am so sick and tired of trying , it feels like 1 step forward and 3 steps back all the time and i dont want to live like this . How much longer can this go on . Walking on eggshells in every aspect of my life and i want so much to break free . Friday afternoon i came home from work , and by 7pm i was in bed for the night , yesterday i couldnt even bring myself to get up , today i forced myself out of bed at about 11 am , but i really just want to waste away and give up .

The main thing that I picked up on from reading your post is that you are really working out the big issues in your life right now, and even though it may be a very painful process it is definitely a healthy process. So keep working through it and you'll eventually come out the other side.

((((((((( my3sns )))))))))))))
Can you call your T and tell her that you aren't doing as good as you had hoped? Maybe she can fit you in at another time or even just talk to you on the phone a bit. It sounds like you are working on some hard stuff so be kind to yourself, try treating yourself to some things that you enjoy, things will get better.