[Merlin]

I wrote this letter for myself and wanted to share it, but warn everyone that it's quite long.

Laura

Dear Me,

I know, I remember, what it feels like to be where you are. The pain, the despair can seem overwhelming, but I know there is a sliver of hope, of belief that perhaps this is only temporary, that perhaps someone can help you. I want to nourish that hope, to help it grow into something that will aid you to make it through this desperate time. Other people can and will help, and many, I'm sure, want to, and if they know how badly you feel, they have probably already tried. I'm going to ask you right now to please talk to one of them, to tell them your feelings, to allow them to offer you the support, I know they want to, but I understand if you can't, yet throughout this letter I'm going to continue to ask, in the hopes that something I've said may influence even a small change in your behaviour, or your attitude.

As much as I know what despair feels like, I can't understand precisely where you are right now. Maybe some horrible has happened to bring you from here to there, or maybe an accumulation of stressors, which alone you bear, but together is more than you can handle. Either is okay, how you are feeling is perfectly alright, and if you make the choice to commit suicide, I promise I won't hate you. How could I hate you? You’re me, just a little bit older. I know that I've seriously considered suicide and I don't feel it's either evil or wrong. It's a desperate choice that a desperate person may make. Maybe you've exhausted all possible avenues of support, maybe nothing has helped, and if that's the case I don't expect you to stay alive, feeling miserable till the end of your natural life.

What I want to suggest is perhaps you haven't tried everything; perhaps there is something that you are afraid of doing. Have you tried medication? I know that I’ve done everything I could to avoid talking it, even not taken it after it’s been prescribed, but if you’re going to end your life, what do you have to lose by giving it a try (and wait long enough to see if it works) because suicide is irreversible. If you are on some form of medication, have to given it long enough to work, have you tried adjusting the dosage? Would you be willing to try another medication, and give it the time it needs to work? Maybe you’ve tried a dozen medications, and maybe your depression is drug resistant, but there are still other choices. I don’t what other treatments might be suggested, but could please seriously consider them?

Have you used all the psychotherapy resources at your disposal? Maybe you just don’t feel comfortable talking about you problems to your current therapist, and that’s okay. Sometimes a therapist can be an absolute wizard in helping you solve one of your problems and completely impotent at solving another or maybe you just feel too ashamed or uncomfortable with him or her to bring up your trouble. Go, shop around, you’d do it for a house or a car, or even a cell phone, and your life is far more important that any of these items. It’s your life, it’s important, find the right person to help you, and then use that help. There, I’ve brought it up again, like I said I would. Use the help at your disposal.

Call your therapist, book an appointment or even let loose on the phone if it’s that urgent. Tell them you are suicidal; tell them you are seriously considering ending your life. So what if they may decide to commit you (involuntarily hospitalization) if they feel that you are an immediate danger to yourself and that their words are not diffusing your intentions. It’s only 72 hours in a psych-ward, it may help you regain some hope in life, and you have all of eternity to be dead, what kind of difference can 72 hours really make. And do what they ask you to do there, whatever it may be: family conferences, written assignments, etc. If, after all that, you decide you still want to commit suicide, I’m sure you can act well enough, long enough to get yourself released. I know I must sound a little hypocritical here, I know that I never called my therapists in times of emergency, but I also know that’s a mistake. I came frighteningly close to successful suicide and I’m very glad that I was not successful. I’d have missed this wonderful part of my life.

I know you may think that you’ve never really been happy, that any times that people around you have suggested were happiness, were just really great acting jobs on your part, or that perhaps you were only deluding yourself at the time. I’m not acting, and I’m not delusional and this is happiness that I’ve been experiencing. I’ve enjoyed the thrill of accomplishment, and the excited anticipation of new adventures. I’ve laughed long and hard, the kind of laughter that gives you an abdominal workout, and that giggle that can erupt while doing foolish things with your friends. I’ve fallen in love (and in lust), and I’ve enjoyed the innocent flirting, the supportive conversations, and the passionate sex (did I get you to blush?)

There have been these ups, and there have also been downs that I’ve survived. I’ve survived. I have made it through horrendous times before, and I’ve coped with continued and constant stressors. I’ve turned around seeming irreversible negative moods and achieved relief from depressions I thought would last forever. I made it though break-ups and other let downs, and I’m still here, I’m still capable of leading a successful life, it doesn’t make me a failure, or worthless, or hopeless. There is and will always be hope for the future. Get help, and keep trying! Your life can and will turn around if you want it to.

I love you for ever and for always,

Myself

(((((((((Merlin)))))))))))

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((((((((( merlin )))))))))))))))))))))))