desperate to cut

somebody help.....



I actually have a good reason for not doing so -- I'm on blood thinners and I don't need to bleed to death -- nor do I need to be labeled a drama queen by my sister, which would happen -- but I don't know how else to deal with overwhelming negative feelings



Candy

(((((((((Candy))))))))))

You have done so well to make it as far as you have! And I know it's hard, and I would hate it to have the decision essentially made for me by extraneous circumstances. But you are right about having good reasons not to, and you are doing so great to remember and stay in control.

You are right about needing a way to deal with your feelings. Would you consider getting back into therapy so that you can work on that? Maybe you could also use this space to talk about some of what you are upset about.

Hang in there,
Rap

Please be careful of yourself. It seems as if you are struggling with new ways to cope. It is so comfortable to use the ones we have used for so long. I also wonder if you would consider seeing a t again. It really helps for someone to help you work through things and grow. I hope you have made it without cutting. There are some good coping skills listed although I am sure you already know that. Please PM me if I can be any help. I am thinking of you.

Candybear,

Please don't hurt yourself!!!

Hugs,

EJ

I have to call Monday to get an appointment with a GP -- I will call about a T as well. I was so proud of myself for doing so well without one after Gregory moved, but apparently I was kidding myself. It will be good to have someone to vent to, anyway.

Thanks, everyone. I think the worst is over, though I'm not yet out of the woods.

Love, Candy

going past the worst part is a big part of it . just don't look back

My sister has been kissing my butt all day. I suppose she feels guilty for emotionally beating the crap out of me yesterday. But I'm not one of those people who can forget easily. I still feel like poo, I still really want to cut, I even got out of the house for a few hours today so I wouldn't have to be around her. They weren't home when I got back, so I had some more time to myself, and when they came home they had stopped at Walmart and she had bought me my favorite water and ice cream and some other stuff. She's been all huggy and sappy and stuff, and you know what? All I can think about is what great knives they have here. All I ever kept at my own place was $7.99 Target steak knives (can barely cut a baked potato, LOL) and occasionally some razor blades.

I can't stop thinking how good it would feel to whip one of those big chef's knives down my arm. I want to see the blood, I want to feel the hurt, I have it coming and I don't know what else to do. I have a friend who took a hammer and broke her own arm once, but she was skinny as a rail and I'm a cow, so there's an extra 100 lbs. to get through to my bones and all I'd get is a bruise (I've tried before).

I haven't felt this bad in a long, long time. I thought I was over this. This month marks a year since I've cut. Apparently the idea never goes away, even if you think it has.

I just want to hurt physically as bad as I do emotionally. I have cried till I thought I couldn't anymore and yet it keeps coming. I don't know what to do about it.



Candy

((((((((((((((((Candy))))))))))))))))) You are being so strong and brave. It is so hard sometimes to withstand all the feelings that are so strong. I know I have never totally forgot about cutting. But it does get easier over time. I guess I aave learned newer ways to try and deal with all the feelings rushing in. Being newer coping skills it is harder to use them and we sometimes fall back to the old harmful ways. You have more repercussions that others and I hope you continue to resist cutting. I know it is hard but I know you can do it. Please try and be safe. I am here if you need me.

I think you can do it.

I can't post much right now but wanted to know I am caring about you from afar.

Wanted to let you know I care.

{{{{{{CandyBear}}}}}}

*where* I did it probably qualifies to go in the PTSD/Survivors forums....not bad.....but having felt bad enough to do it at all....well.....now I don't want to stop

How did I get to be this big of a wreck in so little time?

((((((Candy)))))))

You just shouldn't have to keep feeling that bad. How's it coming with finding a new therapist?

It sounds like you needed more help with learning to cope before being forced to give up your coping method. And with all you've been through, you really need some good coping skills. It would severely challenge anyone to manage it all effectively.

Rap

All I can do is send you (((((((((candybear)))))))))... I do understand.. and I hear you...... Keep trying to find a new T... and keep posting.......

Rap, it's the first time I've cut in a year . I thought I was coping pretty well, up till recently.

I can't find a T that can get me in anytime soon.

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How did I get to be this big of a wreck in so little time?

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It's obvious you need to get away from your sister and that environment; old family dynamics.

oh dear candy do I ever k now how you feel.

I wish I could magically spirit you a wonderful T and some hugs.

idk CANDY do you think the poor self worth feelings came from your decision to not follow up with the moving back "home?" Can you still recontact the guy and be eager for that job? Perhaps the thoughts that you are trapped in your sister's clenches put you back down, or over the threshhold of coping?

Work on figuring this out... I think it will be to your future benefit.