desperate

I haven't been here for quite awhile. I thought everything was pretty managable and was going along on a nice steady course with treatment.
All of my alters, even though they don't always get along, communicate pretty well with eachother.
I've had short periods of lost time before but usually one of the alters will step in and explain what's going on.
In the last month of therapy, my therapist says that an alter has been appearing in sessions. She is the one I would sometimes call the crazy or angry one.
When she appeared in past I would feel as if I'm standing aside and watching, listening to her rage.
She takes a lot of her rage out on me and will hit me with a coat hanger, belt and sometimes hurt me in my private area. That's all she seems to be is rage.
But my therapist says that she's been talking lately in therapy. She hasn't told me any of what this angry one says and I'm a little relieved but also wary because my therapist is always very open with me. My therapist says that this angry one holds a lot of secrets that need to be approached gradually and I trust her with that.
But...I've been getting e-mails, from an address I'm not familiar with. Anyway the first one was a copy of a picture of me, profile, normal shot, displayed on an adult site. It didn't have my name or location, it gave a nick name instead. But what it was asking for was shocking and has terrified me. I then got an e-mail the next week, forwarded to me from this other e-mail.
It was from a man who said he wanted to meet and carry out something I can't begin to explain here.
I'm sure that the angry one set up this e-mail account and put this ad on a website not only to frighten me but to hurt herself.
My therapist says that this angry one thinks she is completely seperate from me and the other alters, and that any harm that comes to her will not harm us. I'm starting to think so also. I wish that this angry one, whomever she is would just die because I think she has a strong death wish.
I'm not sure how else to explain this, I'm so upset.
My therapist thinks that as long as the angry one is talking that things will sort themselves out.
But I got another e-mail forwarded to me yesterday, from someone who is talking about something very frightening. I've had long periods of lost time in the mornings and late at night, no memory at all and no memories from the others. I feel that she's putting us all in danger, my family too.
I'm terrified.

Rainbow Dove,

I can't blame you at all. That sounds so scary! Is there anyone who can spend time with you in the mornings, to make sure you are safe?

No one I'm afraid, and husband would be horrified and angry if he knew about this.
I know this sounds crazy, but I hope she is seperate and that she gets someone to get rid of her as she so desperately wants.
I don't mean to upset anyone but I'm so scared.

Does your husband not understand that you can't control her actions?

rainbow,

it's really important that you do what you can to keep yourselves safe right now. is t aware of what's going on? i so agree with angela...is there anyone (even if you don't explain to them what's going on in detail) that can stay with you when family is not around? or can you arrange to be at someone's house during those hours? i'm really concerned.

i think, if t doesn't already know, that you should call her and explain what's going on...IMHO. can you communicate to the angry one through paper or some other way? if so, is there some way to diffuse this situation that way? it seems that she wants you to know what's going on by forwarding the emails to you. maybe she's ready to communicate with you now? i'm grasping i know.

is there a way that you can tell hubby that you're scared about events right now without going into detail? stilll, i strongly suggest a phone call to t. i sure hope things calm down very very soon. i've been in your position (not exactly but similar...insiders have gotten me into some messes and fearful situations).

please let us know how you are doing...and any steps you plan on taking.

be safe,

kd

My husband has been very patient through my years of therapy and yet he doesn't want to talk about it at all. He says it is my business but he does want me to get better. We don't have the strongest marriage so I don't want to push him and make demands. He has a lot of stress at work and i want him to be calm. The frightening thing too is that there seems to be no way I can communicate with this angry one. I found myself in garage at 2 in the morning yesterday. Last thing I remember was saying good night to my sons. My husband always goes to bed early.
I was hurt but not in noticable place so didn't have to explain anything to anyone. I have no memory of going out there.
I will call my therapist tomorrow.

Oh, good luck Rainbow Dove!! This must be so scary! You could try writing a message down for this angry one to see. Or maybe your T could help facilitate negotians between you?? I hope you do call T soon.

I will send lots of good vibes or prayers, or whatever you believe in your way. Keep us posted, ok?

*safe hugs* if you want them
Angela

i'm so glad you're calling your t tomorrow! i know this is scary and disconcerting to say the least. i understand about hubby...same here with t and emotional stuffs.

i think trying some kind of communication to the angry one would be good. i truly believe that she's cluing you in for a reason. she actually started communication. possibly you and t can figure out a way for the two of you to communicate for the safety adn well-being of all. she's forwarding you emails for a reason...she's opened the line of communication. i would be uncertain where to go from here if it were me, but i think communication is what she wants and is in the best interest of the entire system.

gl to you! please let us know what's going on?

be safe,

kd

Hey Rainbow Dove,

What if you emailed her??

That's a good question, maybe I should try.
Thanks for all the support today.
I'll keep in touch.

I hope things work out for you. My husband knows of my DID & is supportive & wonderful to me but like yours, doesn't want to deal with it. He works a lot & has enough of his own problems to deal with. I can relate to that aspect.
Take care of yourself.
Love,
RhysMadison

My therapist told me the other day what the angry one is planning to do. It seems she has been giving my therapist little bits of information during sessions.
Personally, I am horrified at what she is planning to do, this angry one is convinced that she is completely seperate (I think she is too) and that she needs to complete something that happened many years ago to her. She is filled with rage and frightens me.
I'm trying to keep it together but I feel so depressed.
I feel as if everything I'm doing and seeing is for the last time and my heart is filled with grief.
My therapist is holding back on giving me many details of what angry one is saying which confuses me. I asked if I'm in any danger and she said that if the angry one gets herself killed then I will die too. We're in the same body. I know this sounds crazy but I don't believe it. I know all of the others are part of me but not this one. My therapist says she has something planned for next month and I am more confused than ever.

Don't know if I'll make it through all this, so terribly afraid.

Oh please hang in there!!!! You can make it through. I've been wanting to post but not wanting to make it about me too. Thing is I only know by sharing my experiance and what others get from that or not is ok too. Will be continued.
Larks

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My therapist is holding back on giving me many details of what angry one is saying which confuses me. I asked if I'm in any danger and she said that if the angry one gets herself killed then I will die too. We're in the same body.

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Possibly you need to come to the understanding that the angry one is a part of you is what your T is trying to get to I do not know but it seems to me there is too much guessing going on for you. Truth is you need to all understand that you are all a part of one body and if this body is destroyed in any way all will die.

I have one part that I did not want to believe that she was in any shape or form a part of me because of the day when I met her she was triggered out and all I could do was watch her and what she did and it was oh so sick to me. With T's help I now understand that she is very sick and needs lots of help but she only does what she knows to do. I do not like it but understand that she must have been trough some really painful stuff to react/act out in the way that she does. That helps me to accept that she is a part of me even though I do not like what she does. Hope that your T can help you through this. It is not easy!
Larks

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Personally, I am horrified at what she is planning to do, this angry one is convinced that she is completely seperate (I think she is too) and that she needs to complete something that happened many years ago to her. She is filled with rage and frightens me ...
My therapist is holding back on giving me many details of what angry one is saying which confuses me. I asked if I'm in any danger and she said that if the angry one gets herself killed then I will die too. We're in the same body.

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*WHEW* i am glad to hear you say that. i was not sure what you meant when you kept referring to your Angry One as "separate". ALL alters within a system, including the really bad ones, are tied together, like it or not: if one of them endangers the physical form in any way, all are endangered that way. All multiple systems should have as one of their Prime Directives this Maxim: Not to Endanger the Physical Vessel, nor compromise its safety or liberty in any way.

(((dove)))) It is a very good thing that the angry one is talking to your T! If this alter didn't want help, it wouldn't have bothered. And try not to be confused with the pieces your T is giving you, because sometimes the T needs to talk to one alter while another is out... to maintain consistent help, and to let information get to your entire system, to show the T does have some power... etc.

take care.