[maymie]

Well this morning started out well. But the rest of the day has pretty much sucked. I've pretty much been the butt of everyone's jokes today. I've had mistakes thrown in my face today that happened months ago.
My dad and stepmom invited me to go on a trip. Its 5 hours on the road and then we'll be there for 4 days. To be honest I don't want to go. I don't get along with them. Yeah, I do okay with them for about 2 hours but after that its pretty bad. But the thing is that my nieces and my brother are going and I want to go with them. I want to be with my nieces. They asked me today if I was going and i said yes but on other trips I usually change my mind a few weeks before we go. I know it gets on their nerves but why go on a trip that they don't really want me to go on. They invite me on trips and then once I say yes or maybe, they spend the next month or however long before the trip trying to get me no to go so I so I change my mind. They do this so they can say "she's the one that changed her mind, we wanted her to go". That way its my fault. Well with the trip coming up...I don't want to go. I'm only going for my nieces. But now that I've said I'm planning to go they've spent the last few days trying to talk me out of it. I don't want to go but yet I do so that I can be with my nieces. They are growing up so fast and I want to spend as much time with them as I can. It just bugs me that they invite me when they really don't want me to go. I know that they are being nice and that I probably should have said no but whatever.
Then on top of that every single mistake I've made has been thrown in my face. I know I'm not perfect. Yes, I make mistakes. But I'm sick of my mistakes being thrown in my face. Every time I talk to someone it has to do with how I messed up a month ago or whatever. As I said, I mess up. I"m not perfect. But no one else is either. I know what I'm about to say is mean but sometimes I like it when other people mess up. Then I can say.."see, you mess up to" "I'm not the only one". I know that is mean but I like it so much when others mess up.
Also, it has become a big deal that I'm 24 and single. Everyone has the attitude that because I'm single that I'm ugly, stupid, fat, or whatever. In case my self esteem wasn't low it is now. I always had the attitude that I just hadn't found anyone yet and that was why I was still single but after being told that I was ugly, fat, stupid, I wonder if they are right.Maybe thats why I'm single. My being single has always been a touchy issue for me because I don't really know why I can't find anyone. I want someone but the truth is that I don't know that many guys. The guy friends I do have think of me as a sister. I've always been that, the sister. But having been told that I'm ugly and so on my self esteem has pretty much been put in the trash.
I kind of feel unwanted. I get invited on a trip that I'm not really wanted on. I have my mistakes thrown in my face. As if I'm the only one that makes mistakes. And I'm 24 and single. Who keeps being told that I'm not pretty enough to find someone. So needless to say, I feel pretty bad.

[justfloating]

((((((((((((((((((((maymie))))))))))))))))))))))))

It sounds to me like you have some pretty toxic people in your life! They must be avoided at all costs. They are going to pull you down, make you hate yourself, make you unable to see your good qualities because THEY are unable to see the good in you! It's unfortunate that people can have such a negative effect on our lives, but they don't HAVE to. If you can find a way to put some distance between yourself and those people, to find more positive voices to listen to, you might find your self-esteem and your general outlook improving too. I say this from experience -- I have (had) a "friend" who could do NOTHING by criticise me for my mistakes, for the way I dressed, for the things I owned that weren't as expensive as hers... nothing was good enough for her, and that made me feel like nothing I did or said or wore or wanted was good enough for anyone. Then one day I realized how toxic she was, and although it can be difficult at first, putting some distance between myself and her was one of the best things I ever did for myself. It's probably a little harder to do with family, but it's worth a shot, even if it means only staying for hour-long visits instead of spending a whole afternoon with them (my counsellor calls these "tiny doses of torture instead of drowning in it" ). With my ex-friend, I decided to make a list of things I liked about myself, and whenever she started in on me I would just repeat that list of things to myself and try to tune her out as best I could. In the end, other people's opinions really don't matter that much at all, and if all someone can do is point out your flaws it's probably because they are too insecure to analyse their own.

There is also nothing wrong with being single at 24. If you haven't met the right person ... well, you haven't met the right person! Maybe you could get out more, join a group or a club to meet new people? Don't rush yourself, you're young, you've got plenty of time to find Mr. Right! Just work on getting your self-esteem up to the highest point you can manage, on surrounding yourself with people who care about you and like you for you, and staying on guard around the toxic people in your life.

Take care.

[maymie]

I appreciate your comment. I do agree with what your saying about getting away from them and the negative comments but the problem is that its my family doing it and saying it. I'm the blacksheep or the outcast of the family. So I guess my question is what do you suggest about that. Sorry I wasn't clearer on who it was that was saying it.

Originally Posted by justfloating

((((((((((((((((((((maymie))))))))))))))))))))))))

It sounds to me like you have some pretty toxic people in your life! They must be avoided at all costs. They are going to pull you down, make you hate yourself, make you unable to see your good qualities because THEY are unable to see the good in you! It's unfortunate that people can have such a negative effect on our lives, but they don't HAVE to. If you can find a way to put some distance between yourself and those people, to find more positive voices to listen to, you might find your self-esteem and your general outlook improving too. I say this from experience -- I have (had) a "friend" who could do NOTHING by criticise me for my mistakes, for the way I dressed, for the things I owned that weren't as expensive as hers... nothing was good enough for her, and that made me feel like nothing I did or said or wore or wanted was good enough for anyone. Then one day I realized how toxic she was, and although it can be difficult at first, putting some distance between myself and her was one of the best things I ever did for myself. It's probably a little harder to do with family, but it's worth a shot, even if it means only staying for hour-long visits instead of spending a whole afternoon with them (my counsellor calls these "tiny doses of torture instead of drowning in it" ). With my ex-friend, I decided to make a list of things I liked about myself, and whenever she started in on me I would just repeat that list of things to myself and try to tune her out as best I could. In the end, other people's opinions really don't matter that much at all, and if all someone can do is point out your flaws it's probably because they are too insecure to analyse their own.

There is also nothing wrong with being single at 24. If you haven't met the right person ... well, you haven't met the right person! Maybe you could get out more, join a group or a club to meet new people? Don't rush yourself, you're young, you've got plenty of time to find Mr. Right! Just work on getting your self-esteem up to the highest point you can manage, on surrounding yourself with people who care about you and like you for you, and staying on guard around the toxic people in your life.

Take care.

[justfloating]

well... even if it is family, I think a lot of the same advice applies. Do you have any friends or less critical family you can turn to for support? Anyone more positive in your life that you can spend some time with as an antidote to all the toxins that come with being around your more negative family members? My situation isn't quite as bad as yours -- I can stand to be around my family most days, and we generally get along without too many problems -- but I know what it's like to feel smothered by your family. Mine, for example, can be INCREDIBLY critical of the things I'm not doing, and according to them, I'm "not doing" a lot. If I didn't get perfect grades in school, I wasn't trying hard enough. If I didn't want to babysit my three siblings for the third saturday in a row, I was not doing my fair share of work at home. If I did not clean my room because I was studying (or otherwise having a life) it was because I was a lazy slob who did not understand the concept of clean (ok... I'm a bit of a slob but I do know what clean means, I swear! ). I go to school in another country and only get home a few times a year, but if I spend "too much time" (decided by my mother, an ever-changing amount that usually depends on her mood) socializing with my friends rather than babysitting or job-hunting 24/7, I am being selfish/lazy/irresponsible... I don't know if any of this sounds familiar to you but it is most definitely a pain!!!

Honestly ... the only thing you can do about it is put a little distance between you (try not to spend an overwhelming amount of time with them if you can -- take separate cars to events/meet them there, make plans with friends instead of family a little more often, etc), and try to prevent what I've started calling "familial attacks" -- in my case that means the nagging, the criticism, the yelling matches or bouts of not talking to each other, the melodrama, the stress, etc. It means that I try to take as much responsibility as I can -- I inform my parents ahead of time that I'm going out so they can't get angry about springing things on them last-minute, I always take a phone with me and occasionally listen to the millions of voicemails they leave nagging me about this or that. I am being pro-active about getting a job and I inform them whenever I am successful ("Today I submitted a resume to this office where I really, really want to work, the job looks great!") and steer clear of telling them about too many of my failures or put as positive a spin on my screw-ups as I can ("I didn't do too well on a test last week, but now I think I've got the material down and I'll know what to watch out for on the exam.") Families can be really tough, I feel for you!

Finally ... I know that they're your family, but if they are really, really making your life rough, it might be worth it to consider talking to them about it. Maybe they don't realize what they're doing? I told my parents that the nagging was only making my depression a lot harder to get through -- depression + stress = disaster -- and that they needed to back off (ie, not calling me every five minutes until I pick up the phone) and they agreed to try and curb the nagging a little bit. It's really hard and awkward to do though, and it really depends on your family dynamic, and how good you are at standing up to others (I am not, which is why the nagging has only MARGINALLY been curbed )

Other than that, do you have a counsellor or therapist that you're seeing? If not, maybe it'd be worth looking into talking to one. Mine has been a blessing for helping me figure out how to deal with my family and get my self-esteem up. If you ever want to talk, you can also feel free to PM me anytime.

Good luck!

[justfloating]

just another quick thing ...

Nobody defines you but you. People generally get that idea when it comes to the rest of the world, but for some reason they don't seem to think it applies to their family as well. Yes, they gave you life and raised you and you share a lot of the same DNA and blood is thicker than water and all that ... But NOBODY -- not your neighbours, not your friends, not EVEN your family -- gets to tell you that you're a failure. They don't get to put you down. They don't get to decide what kind of person you'll turn out to be -- that is all you. You, and YOUR choices, and YOUR life which you are free to live however YOU like. Familial obligations are tough, but they are not all-encompasing. You are still your own person with your own life and your own ideas, even if your family thinks otherwise. Sometimes, it just takes a little bit of perseverence to make that clear to them -- and to yourself. But you're worth it and nobody gets to tell you otherwise. ABSOLUTELY NOBODY.