hurt

possible trigger, don't waste your time if you don't want to







i keep hearing it and i should be proud, 'good work on all your progress, good work on all your effort', blah blah blah

what is progress when, yes, i'm trying to progress, i'm trying so hard, but it still hurts

i know it's supposed to, openness is like vulnerability, but what is progress when i'm in this much pain

physical, mental, too much pain

and they say 'good work on the progress'... good work? i still sob silently to myself, i still shake in terror at night, i still hate that disgusting thing i see in the mirror, i still have this void in me, this empty lonely pain, this helplessness to the world around me, this feeling like something dirty and not something human

yeh, i work hard, i work to get better, but what does that matter when i'm still dying inside? when i'm still so angry and so completely crushed, when maybe this time my therapist knows i'm feeling this pain but to the rest of the world i'll keep a mask and say 'i'm fine', although why bother, the rest of the world isn't concerned with my well-being, i learnt that you have to look out for yourself and trust only yourself a long time ago

so i'll sit in my silence today, i curl up in a corner and stare at the wall because the glow of my computer screen doesn't provide comfort either because i'm isolated in every world, i'll curl up in my corner and want the day to hurry up and pass, then want the night to hurry up and pass, because the shadows haunt me and the visions haunt me and the flashbacks smother me and i still can't scream, no one would hear

so what does this all matter, every wound still feels fresh, people still feel like enemies waiting to pounce, the world still feels distent, evil still seems the only people who notice me, what am i, still that child, i've been that child for my whole life, i'm still a child who was never a kid

still alone, i hate hearing 'anyone would be lucky to have you as a friend', it's not true. i'm a mutant freak to look at, and i'm not beautiful inside. i'm deformed and ugly inside and outside. what qualities? none. i would be a burden as a friend. i want to tear my face off.

'disrespect me cuz i'm ugly, don't give me your stupid pity', dazed and abused, running in circles, 'progress' will always seems to come undone, i'm damned to repeat this dance forever, i'm damned to walk in hell, i'm damned to be used, I'M DAMNED TO ALL OF THIS

this isn't living, this is surviving, and if the only way i can live is by surviving, i don't want to survive anymore

so here i post this, nothing changed, i'll still sob to myself, i'll still tremble tonight, i'll still have nightmares, i'll return to pacing in my mind alone, to cursing my hideous form in the mirror because the world doesn't want to hear me talk and i hate my own voice

Vince, I believe with every fiber of myself, that some day you will use your eloquence with words to proclaim that you made it--you made it through hell, you made it through worse things than hell. You are right--you are surviving. And while that may not seem beneficial because you still hurt worse than ever, healing comes in steps, not waves. From surviving comes thriving. Thriving is more than just living, thriving is getting up in the morning and actually looking forward to the day, to even just one thing in the day. Thriving is looking in the mirror and maybe not liking the physical appearance you see but not hating it for the memories and pain it brings, but rather recognizing that you see the image you do because you survived. "A burden shared is a burden lightened." Your t now knows some of what you are dealing with, you have started to open up. It's not just the opening up that will heal you, though, my friend. It's the learning that comes with opening up. It's taking one pain at a time and discussing it and facing it and screaming at it and shaking your fist at it and hating it and drawing it and looking at it and sighing at it and putting it away. And doing that with each pain, each memory, each scar. Opening up to your t was so important because you can't do the above alone, you need you t, you need Kate, you need your babies, you need your friends--yes, Vince, your friends that you have; you have friends here, people who worry about you and love you and care about you and don't base that on your looks or your past or anything except you--your kindness and humor and love and friendship. Opening up was a huge step for you and we all are proud of you, because without opening up, you can't move forward. Yes, Vince, moving forward may be in a wheelchair and that is painful, but it's moving forward nonetheless and that is something to be proud of. Without it you are stuck, with it you heal. Slowly, slowly, slowly. You move from isolation, to openness, to surviving, to thriving. And all along the way, when you think no one hears your screams, we do--I do. And when you think no one cares, we do--I do. And when you think the progress you made is no big deal, we'll be here to tell you it is and why it is--I'll be here. And a lot of other people will be here, too.

I can only give you empathy...

(((((((( Griffe ))))))))

(((((((((((((((( Griffe )))))))))))))))))

(((((((griffe)))))))

Looking backward was as sorrowful as looking forward...
No energy, so darn tired, full of anger because way too many people told me it would get easier and It Was Not. It was more painful than keeping everything bottled up.
notfairnotfairnotfairthis stinksthisstiksthisstinksthisstinksdamnit
Sucked under the waters of that frigging raging river over and over again, little monsters trying to pull me down and why, why!? do I keep dog paddling towards some unseen relief?
Or so they say it's relief and sure as it rains, I'll be better.
Have hope, weird moments...weird until I understand those moments have an unusual thing in them; an itty-bitty smile.
Afraid to look in a mirror to see that itty-bitty thing, sure I would look grotesque. I did to me. tears and frowns and a mouth wide open with no sounds/screams coming out normal features on my face...

Thousands upon thousands of piranhas of the past bit me, my heart, my determination, battered me with memories and I distinctly heard their laughter, ya see they thought they had won...

For the moment they had indeed won, the mighty gold prize the #1
winner takes all
all of me, consumption of this gross woman of much pain
It wasn't a Yahoo! when the soft awakening began...in fact I thought it was another demon to battle, A Big Demon. One that was surely gonna drag me under and I'd never be found...not that anyone cared...
such a soft whisper it was, maybe just maybe the r in relief was forming and I did not trust it
I don't trust much of anything or anyone, too many letdowns and kicks in the back, painful and humiliating.

R
first letter of relief
H
first letter of hope
round and round they went
up and down I went
somewhere we collided
the real Cap
deflated, flowing on that river oh so wide and oh so deep
floating, so strange, no struggle

Recovery ain't for sissies
it's for those who gasp for air when overwhelmed with grief and anguish and listen to the voice off in the distance
better things, good-er things wait to welcome
me, you, us

hurry up I can't do this forever

jme, of course

.......

I think this sums everything up.

((((((((((((((((((griffe))))))))))))))))))))))))

I don't have many words at the moment but I need to tell you that I've read your post and I'm sorry you're in so much pain. You're not alone and know that we care and want you to be well.

deleted
.......

((((((((((((((((( Griffe ))))))))))))))))))

Griffe,
I'm sorry, I really am...

Deleting your message deletes words only; it does not delete the anguish and fears that you are sharing with us.
We know you need it to stop, know that you feel ill, know that you are suffocating...some of us are doing the same thing, others are barely out of it, still others are beyond it with gratitude and determination to protect ourselves as much as we can.
Repeats may come into our lives again and so we keep a small part of our heart on guard, ready but not necessarily afraid to enjoy what peace we know...

You can do this, Griffe.
Keep posting and Don't Delete Messages, please. Don't be afraid to share your pain, let it out of your aching spirit, reach for us and we will walk with you.
You may not feel it, Griffe, but there are many people cheering you on. Our love is not conditional, it's real.

Let us know how you are
Cap

((((((( Griffe ))))))) Thinking of you.

thank you for caring

it's helpless, i push, i scream, i pace, i cry, i try, i bleed, i reach out, i withdraw, i plan, i vent, and for what

sharing my pain is making those who care feel helpless to stop my suffering and annoying those who don't

night sets in, and like every night, i'm sad and alone, i'm scared, i'm too hurt to even cry tonight

gutted & left to bleed

trying to move forward, wanting to recover, but why try

efforts are undone
evil repeats itself
'friends' abandon me
i ruin whatever i try to better
any attempt to connect, reach out, repair, in vain

see my doctor tomorrow, saw my therapist today

want to curl up and fall asleep and not have to face this hellish cycle all over again, why bother, why bother, whatever i touch withers up and dies, whatever i do backfires

(((((((((((((((griffe)))))))))))))))))

Griffe, you feel helpless but you did not say hopeless. There is most likely a place within yourself that has that spark, that ability to hold tight the desire to have a measure of peace.
Thank you for sharing...I know how hard it is to do.

We are almost always battered whenever these things are surfacing and we are trying our best to handle them.
One day at a time is an AA saying, but it's valid for this type of recovery, also.

well...gutted can also mean there's a whole lotta crap that has/is being taken out of you...bleeding is what we do until the healing begins.

because what waits for you is so incredibly good and solid. you don't strike me as someone who gives up...

Griffe, no one ever said that it would be easy but it is a helluva horrible walk...

I know you are tired, Griffe. Very tired.
Warriors in any battle grow weary, and this is a whopper of a battle. It's not a battle we skip, sing, whistle, laugh through...
the pain of it is an entirely different kind of pain.
Just my own experience, but I felt much the same way. For me, I hated myself but I also hated those who had hurt me. It was easier to concentrate on belittling myself and hating myself rather than let loose the rage I felt towards them.
That rage terrorized me...I was so afraid it meant I was like them. I wasn't and I had to learn that I was the target and not the archer.

interesting to see that you used this icon...you are under an umbrella and being somewhat sheltered from the rain.
You may be getting wet in some ways but not in all ways.

Let it pour for now, Griffe. It will stop...

Cap