[lenjan]

So, I saw my pdoc today. I have been with the guy since November 1998. In addition to just truly being a nice guy (and cute, let's not forget cute, LOL), he really takes things about his patients to heart.

So I sit down and he asks how I've been over the last month. I said sick, and kind of down due to the impending "milestone" birthday (it's that one right after 39--I can't make myself say the word ;-).

Now, as he is only 3 years older than I am, he's essentially a peer, and I use him as a comparison a lot. He won every award and held every high position there was to hold in medical school, was named chief resident of his residency, blah blah blah, appears never to have had a problem in his life. PLUS, until the hospital I used to see him at closed down their behavioral health unit, for over a decade he worked primarily with people who couldn't afford to pay him -- the un- and underinsured (which I was when I met him). I mean, think male Mother Teresa. :-)

Today he asked how I was feeling about that five-letter F word. I said I had been really reflective, and really down because in looking back, I realized how much I'd wanted to do and hadn't done.

He sighed and said, "A LOT of us haven't accomplished what we wanted to."

OMG. The perfect man with the perfect life who's breezed through everything has self-doubt! I never would have guessed, seriously -- he always seems so chipper and sure of himself.

Then he talked about how far I've come, considering where I'd started from, with the abuse and everything, and how so much of what's happened in my life has been out of my control, and since I've had a little control, I've made good choices that have me well positioned for the future. I tease him about being a Pollyanna, which is what I took this as. ;-)

THEN, the really unbelievable part happened. I have seen him going on seven years. A good day for me when I started seeing him was being able to spend 5 minutes out of bed, not staring at the wall. I think he and the meds and therapy have done a lot of good. But he APOLOGIZED to me for not making more progress with me. He said he knew depression was hard to treat, and mine is trickier than most, but he felt bad that he couldn't help me more. I was blown away, although when I was inpatient last year, it took me a month to convince him it wasn't his fault or something he missed that got me to that point.

Wowza. Quite an eye-opening afternoon. I never would have guessed he felt any of this. I feel like my world has crumbled around me now that I know he's not perfect, LOL -- but it's kind of nice, too, to know he's human. Maybe there's hope for me yet?

Candy