[Kiya]

wishing my dr were good at getting back to me when things come up. as good as she is, she has really slipped this last year at returning calls and pretty much doesn't respond to email at all (even tho she tells me to email). i think i had some sort of asthma attack last night and wanted to talk to her today but she's not available and i didn't bother to leave a message -what's the use?

[Miracle1986]

((((Kiya))))
I hate when dr are like that.

[Kiya]

meeeeeeeeee tooooooooooooo
i feel some things are important... and then i feel *I* am not important enough for the contact to be made. Then i decide, i guess my (insert symptom here... feeling like I'm having a heart attack for example) really is worthless rubbish and just to drop it. If i live, i'm fine. if i die, then it doesn't matter anymore anyway.
Is just contrary to "learning to allow others to meet my needs" as T would say.
And i lived last night, so i guess i'm fine.
I know it wasn't a panic attack (got that one down by now). and i have my own theories from knowing my own body. I was thiiiiiiiiis close to writing an email anyway... when i heard my head say in her voice "It was probably indigestion". Who needs to hear that?! So i didn't.

[(JD)]

((((Kiya)))) You're doing better! I know that might not be what you want to hear, but it does appear that is the truth.

There comes a time when the patient begins to perform the good self care that the therapist has been modeling and teaching the patient. Not always having to contact the T to survive through a bad spot is a good thing, though it surely doesn't feel that way. But that's the difference. You sound like you aren't always running on feelings, but the rational thinking is kicking in for you at times.... It isn't perfect, but it will be better as you engage it. You'll find that you do survive.
It's the feelings that make us unsure, or doubt our needs and our worth. But rational thought allows us to realize, Yes, this is scary but I'm getting through it even without the T's contact. (And it often does begin with the patient making some contact, but working through without the T responding immediately.)

I do hope you discuss this progress with your T. There are many emotions that go along with this, sometimes anger is one of them! But it's part of the healing path. I'm so proud of you! (PS you won't always be at this point, but may go back and forth a few times, as part of the process.)

Therapy and healing is hard work, isn't it!?

[Kiya]

um....Sky, i am talking about how my medical provider won't get back to me not my T.
I call and tell her that the pain in my left arm has turned into the entire limb being numb. No response.
I call and tell her that I think increasing a certain med during panic times might result in less self injury and can I please have her permission to increase it? No response.
I call and tell her i don't even remember what any more. no response.
so this time, when i had sereing (can't spell it) pain in my chest, throat, lungs that increased over time .... I tried to call her, I coudln't get through. I tried to leave a message and her asst answered who i don't trust.... and i gave up.
and i lived.
so heart attack or asthma attack or indigestion - it doesn't seem to matter.
I think I am going to cancel my stupid appointment next month, since there's really no point in going anyway and i really don't have the mula.

but thanks for your faith that i am getting better mentally =)

[Kiya]

I just cancelled my next apnt. no point in going. can use the money for something that will help me more like bodywork (massage +therapy).