[RonzLife]

My life partner has a genetic disposition to cancer; it runs in his family, both on the paternal and maternal side. He was diagnosed with lymphoma in 1996. His chemo treatments were "successful" and he enjoyed an otherwise healthy 8 years in remission. In 2002 all of that changed.

Since I met him 20 years ago, 22 people in his immidiate family (from parents to siblings to first cousins) have developed one form of cancer or another. Currently, there are only 3 of those 22 still living with the disease.

New therapy (Rituxan) is failing. Twice he developed respiratory failure as an acute reaction while receiving the treatment in his oncologist's office. Now, tumors are appearing in everywhere (and by the way, he himself is a medical doctor.)

Just today his cardiologist informed him that he has a condition called "cardio-vascular spasm." In short, for some unexplained reason, the vessels of the heart spasm and clench shut, cutting off blood flow to the brain. There is no cure--at best certain medications (low dose nitro and calcium channel blockers) MAY alleviate the frequency of the episodes, or the duration of individual episodes. To quote the cardiologist: "Doctor to doctor, I suggest you get all your affairs in order rather quickly."

I looked at other forum topics such as Grief and Loss, caregiveing the primary source of support, encouragement, counsel, strength, information dissemination to family/friends....and all the while remaining strong in his eyes, for his BIGGEST fear is that HIS health burdens will eventually bring me to a breaking point.

I will never relent in my role as his partner--that has never and will never be an option for us, not out of guilt or duty, but because he allows me to be this to him, before any other, family or friend. But with each blow that he takes to the body--each new tumor, each new sign of treatment failure, each entirely new disease--I lose hope, I have already lost Faith, and I feel selfish to ever "gripe" about how difficult this is when HE is facing this in a much more grave capacity (no pun intended), and he does it bravely, with little complaint or "woe is me-ing".

Is anyone else going through this? The outcome is inevitable--this is obvious. We both know it--I just cant wrap my head around the concept that he can and will just have an episode without warning and be gone, or worse, suffer a devastingly massive stroke. Waiting for the devil when you know he's coming and being helpless to stop him--talk to me someone.

[bebop]

I could but it would be against guidelines for things I would say.
But please let me say I am sorry your partner is going thru such a rough time in life. I know it doesn't seem fair and I would be happy to talk about it privately but not on the forums.

[RonzLife]

Originally Posted by bebop

I could but it would be against guidelines for things I would say.
But please let me say I am sorry your partner is going thru such a rough time in life. I know it doesn't seem fair and I would be happy to talk about it privately but not on the forums.

Thanks for the reply...I'm flying across the country today so I will respond more completely when I reach my destination

[Nypheria]

*scared now to comment* but always tell it like it is.

- You and your partner love each other allot no doubt, and now is the time to really be there for him. Show him love, and show him that even though things are going bad...life doesnt have to end now. Cancer is a terrible thing, Its claimed many of my family members as well and do know what its like to have to cope with that loss.

I too blamed G-d when my family started getting picked off one by one. But with time, it dawned on me. Cursing G-d will not make things better, and it wont bring my family back. When my Aunt (who pretty much raised me), got a reappearance of colon cancer that spread like wild fire all over, decided to do somthing besides think of her death. I spend time with her. I made her smile, gave her many hugs, and just was there for her till the day it did claim her life. She fought for an amazing 8 months, when Drs told her it would be lucky if she hit 3.

When she did pass away, I took comfort in knowing that I made her last few months worth living and also that she had that escape from the pain. Not thinking about what would I do without her, and thinking what can I do with her while she was living - was the most wonderful experience and really makes me love life.

Im sure he will say the same thing what Im about to say, When I do get cancer (as its probably going to happen), I dont want my last months being grieved upon and doom and gloom. I want to go places, spend time with my love ones, make them happy, see them smile - that way when I do pass, they have so many wonderful things to remember. Life is short for us all. While there is still breath in him, support and smile with him.

Dont cry till he is gone, and when he is - remember all those wonderful things you two accomplished in life and have seen together. Im sure he will do the same for you.

Comfort him and tell him his health isnt a burden for you, and just be open together.

[RonzLife]

Originally Posted by Nypheria

*scared now to comment* but always tell it like it is.

- You and your partner love each other allot no doubt, and now is the time to really be there for him. Show him love, and show him that even though things are going bad...life doesnt have to end now. Cancer is a terrible thing, Its claimed many of my family members as well and do know what its like to have to cope with that loss.

I too blamed G-d when my family started getting picked off one by one. But with time, it dawned on me. Cursing G-d will not make things better, and it wont bring my family back. When my Aunt (who pretty much raised me), got a reappearance of colon cancer that spread like wild fire all over, decided to do somthing besides think of her death. I spend time with her. I made her smile, gave her many hugs, and just was there for her till the day it did claim her life. She fought for an amazing 8 months, when Drs told her it would be lucky if she hit 3.

When she did pass away, I took comfort in knowing that I made her last few months worth living and also that she had that escape from the pain. Not thinking about what would I do without her, and thinking what can I do with her while she was living - was the most wonderful experience and really makes me love life.

Im sure he will say the same thing what Im about to say, When I do get cancer (as its probably going to happen), I dont want my last months being grieved upon and doom and gloom. I want to go places, spend time with my love ones, make them happy, see them smile - that way when I do pass, they have so many wonderful things to remember. Life is short for us all. While there is still breath in him, support and smile with him.

Dont cry till he is gone, and when he is - remember all those wonderful things you two accomplished in life and have seen together. Im sure he will do the same for you.

Comfort him and tell him his health isnt a burden for you, and just be open together.

Let me say first and foremost that your response to my post is exactly what I needed. People are so afraid to express their disappointment in GOD or which ever diety they revere. It has been an immensely emotional and difficult transition for me to go from devoute Christian to Doubting Thomas in the face of such personal turmoil. While this is NOT a forum for God bashing, and I never intended it to seem that way, what USED to be my greatest source of hope and comfort is now just exacerbating an already heart wrenching ordeal.

Thank you for sharing your "common experience" with such an internal conflict and having the courage to express it as a common experience that you share with me. You showed me that you DO understand how isolated one can feel when you stand out like a sore thumb from friends and family who insist that you maintain your faith in the wake of "ignored prayers and novena's."

Finally, thank you for your words of encouragement--you're exactly right in that my focus and my energy be directed at what time we have left and the quality of time spent until the time presents itself.

[bebop]

when I lost my granddaughter I got angry at God too somewhat. I never cursed God though. but I do understand the anger. it is there that I did learn to turn to Him. I can't say alot about religion here though but I will talk about it in private if you choose. I hope things are ok with you right now.

[Rmdctc]

I am wondering how things are going for you?

[RonzLife]

My anger with God has subsided--my disappointment and my diminished faith in him (yes I drop the cap "h" these days) has not. I look for "God" in others now, for that is where I am more llikely to find the help, the comfort, the solace and understanding that I need at this time.

My partner had 4 weeks of delays in uniting with me and family for the holiday while they tried to find the optimal combination and dosages of medications to subdue his cardiac condition before clearing him medically for travel and the stresses of the holiday season. I am doing everything I can to get his motor to idle at a much lower level, to simplify each day by consicously eliminating the number of options/choices he feels he must contend with each day...today's dilema: his plan is to make stuffing, mashed potatos, rice pilaf AND sweet yams...our solution: two of the above only. (smile...on the positive side, this choice is prefereble to some of the options he has had to choose from of late in him doctors' offices.)

Having him family around has been a blessing for me; they are genuinely concerned and inquisitive about his status and give their undivided attention when I sit and fill them in. They ask the right questions. They accept that I dont have all the answers. Just to have the opportunity to open up and pour out to them (in an informative way, and not a lamentation) is such a release of pent up emotion without the unneccessary display of grief and tears. Its like I've been able to open up the bleed off valve of a tank under too much pressure...We will make it thru the week happier than we have been in a long time, for I know how thankful I am to have made it this far with him.

[RonzLife]

I was recently given a copy of the book "The Heart of Christianity" by Marcus Borg. It has affirmed a belief I have cultivated of late regarding PEOPLE around me doing what they can with the skills and talents they possess to help others in need. Not unlike the people who come to these forums to share! Perhaps the pendulum will swing back to center for me on "this issue" and perhaps not....right now I am finding some comfort in the sharing within the posts on Psych Central; more than I did while on my knees, head bowed, hands folded.

[RonzLife]

Originally Posted by Rmdctc

I am wondering how things are going for you?

Thank you for asking...the following reply is in response to your question but posted as a general blog.

[bebop]

I am so happy you are feeling better about things and talking about it. I think that helps alot! I will keep you and your family in my prayers.