Just had the psych evaluation for SSI

Hi
today I had the SSI evaluation for disability. I filed 1 1/2 years ago. I went before the judge on my birthday a month ago. He ordered me for a psychological evaluation.

Today I did that. what I said to him sounded like I was DID. so I told him I wasnt. I was very clear that I wasnt. And the therapist also has said I am not. Although no one could confuse me with someone who doesnt have significant dissociation. I know I have DD. anyway a woman who works for an agency went with me to the evaluation. She went with me also to the court thing. After it was over she told me that the evaluation person was not convinced by me that I am not DID. Well thats okay because I told him very very clearly that I am positive I am not.

tonight I was telling the host of the MPD system I have been " mom" to for 7 years. ( mom of the heart ) She told me that they had wondered about that also. they had wondered if I was DID. I asked her what made them wonder. Her answer wasnt clear at all. She just said that its just thoughts they have had because of things I have said of how I feel. How I am at times. she said she didnt know how to explain it. I could not ask any more because I am "mom" and shes only 16 ( in a much older body).

I am so scared. the psychiatrist I have is not user friendly. and I only see her for a half hour every 8 weeks because I have to pay her out of pocket. My state insurance for low income people does not cover her because she is a homeopathic psychiatrist. So I cant see her often. I do take medication that is recommended by her and prescribed by my doctor.

anyway, pdoc and two spiritual teachers have told me I have to deal with the kids part of me that take the lead. the new therapist told me that its like I am in a box. and there is a larger box around me thats the kids. But she doesnt know how to label it. or dx it.

I dont know where to turn. and I am terrified. I will get it clarified I am sure. but I am so scared for tonight. I know I do not remember a lot. But I also know its not DID. But I think it may be very close. and I dont know what to do. I do not know where to turn for support. I am in a no mans land. I dont belong anywhere. literally. A friend when I was young many decades ago used to say to me "and who are we now sybill". I just needed to write this. I am scared and alone. I called someone but she hung up. most people cant listen to this kind of thing. So I am alone. thank you for reading. Although usually when I say something this important I delete 99% of it within 4 hours after writing it.

Please please send some good energy that I will get the SSI. even if I do it will be pitifully small amount. sorry for having written a book. I am just scared and dont know where to turn. I belong nowhere. Never did

((((hugs))))) you arnt alone and you do belong, you are a wonderful woman with a loving heart

Oh White. thank you for saying this. You know how much I admire you. Just one response that is loving and caring makes this post worth it. I am grateful to you for your support and your amazing heart. You are gifted !!! Thank you for saying that I belong. Maybe someday I will find that group that I belong to.

((((sunsetsunrise)))

I just want to say that you are a very special person in my book, you have helped me thorugh some difficult times lately and I hope to be there for you. I want you to know how much you are appreciated by me and many people here at PC and just wanted u to know that.

Anyways, thanks for just being u and I wish you the best of luck.

Hugs to you hon,
Jen

you are my friend...i care for you...you are not alone.....I will pray that God would assist your path in the monetary and inner support aspects of this thing.

I do have good wishes for you for the SSI. It's very common to deny DID, so I don't think that will block your receiving the benefits.

Did more than you write this post? I ask because there is a main conflict within it:

It appears that some part of you does realize you are MPD/DID. And that's okay, I'm glad it's helped you to stay alive....

I do hope you obtain the help from SSI. (And it's retroactive to the 1 1/2 year ago date when you first applied )

Thank you Jen. I hope you know that I care lots about you. you are a supremely good person. Even if you do not know that, I do !!!

thank you Wolfie, you have been through so much. And still your wonderful self keeps going. And is supportive of others. Huge blessings

Thank you JD. Acutally, 7 yesrs ago I " adopted" a person who is DID. I have been mommy / mom ever since. So I really am mommy to someone who is DID. its literal. I am not DID. However, I am willing to accept, if need be, that I am pretty close. I cannot yet find the answers. But I think there are splits. Thats my guess. All I know is that enough people have said something. The therapists who know me, know I am not MPD. I just need a bit of help fully understanding it. And the new therapist has not been able to help with that because she doesnt quite understand yet. I can ask the pdoc in 7 weeks when I see her next. by then my questions may be answered. It was just shocking to hear from my kid that they have wondered if I am DID. Because they have very good detectors. And i trust their assessments. It also gave me more fuel to hate myself for anything I may have said that is less than loving. But self hatred is my first middle and last names.

(((((Sunsetsunrise))))))

No matter what your diagnosis may or may not be, you fit in here with us!
We are here to support you. I hop your SSI gets approved soon.

Googley, thank you. I really appreciate your kind words !! I will figure this all out. But in the meantime, your words do help.

Good Luck with your test...

also tell us if you are a success...