[Ardose]

I am having problems and getting into more trouble. A few decades ago, I was very smart and making a career for myself and things were going pretty good overall. Then, about a decade ago, I got sick from exposure to workplace chemicals and it damaged my brain somewhat. I had to retire on disability to live where it's quite and not to confusing. The problem is that I have been to trusting of people and overextending myself to help them. It wasn't so bad when I was surrounded by relatively civil people with a sense of morality. But then, a couple years ago a hard luck case latched onto me.

This guy came by while I was outside. He was said he was looking for scrap metal to get money to feed his family. I helped and he realized I was an easy target and latched on. He became my "friend" and he is all friendly and nice, but he kept borrowing money for emergencies and such and his intentions were sometimes not so honest. He owes me a lot of money now (which he swears he'll pay back) and he keeps bringing desperate people into my life. What are you supposed to do when I guy has a kid and no water or electricity because he had fallen on hard times? Trying to get the system to do something is a big problem. So, here are these people in desperate need an they are putting me in financial need because I can't seem to say no.

I regret that the first guy ever came into my life and I really need my stability back because I am gradually losing my ability to concentrate and remember things. There doesn't see to be any way to get these guys to back off. There also doesn't seem to be any agency that I can turn to for help. It's hard to get anybody to understand about my problem. I am incredibly frustrated. I just wish the system would stick up for me sometimes.

[gayleggg]

You sound like a very caring person, which opens you up for being taken advantage of. You need to learn to say no and mean it. If you are seeing a therapist, ask them to help you with learning to say no. You need to quit listening to the stories. They are sucking you in with them. Tell them you are out of money and not to come back.

Thank you for trying to be charitable but when it starts to hurt you, you've done too much.

[sabby]

Hi Ardos,

I'm sorry to hear that you are being taken advantage of because of your kind and generous nature. I had fallen into that trap myself and it can be very soul sucking.

The first thing I had to do to get out of that mindset was to understand that I am not a bank. I have to provide for myself first before I can help another, otherwise I end up in the same situation as the person asking for help. That would not be good.

One of the other things I learned is that help doesn't always have to be monetary (and probably shouldn't be!). Help can be in the form of getting information for someone so that THEY can look into it. It can be phone numbers for agencies that offer a helping hand. It can be a list of churches that will help. If you have the ability to research online for things, print out stuff and hand it to your "friend".

The next thing I had to learn, and this is probably the hardest thing, was to say "no". I can almost guarantee you that the problems this man had before he met you are the same problems he will have after you say no, but he'll find another way to get his needs met, one way or another. It's what he has learned to do instead of standing on his own two feet and finding the help he needs or sucking it up and looking for work (if he's able).

It sounds to me like this man is truly not your "friend" but he definitely is a "leach". He's great at finding the easy way to meet his needs without putting in the effort that we have to in order to survive.

Strip yourself of the leach.....if he continues to be a friend when you put a stop to the $$, then that's great. If he backs away and you don't hear from him, then you know he was only using you.

As far as getting any money back, don't hold your breath. You probably won't see a dime of it. But, you have options. You can take him to small claims court, but even if you win, you may not collect anything from him, he will just have a judgement against him. The other option is to realize that you helped him out of the kindness of your heart, you found out he's taking advantage of you, you put a stop to it for your own survival and you have to write it off as a learning experience.

You have every right to put an end to the "open bank" with your friend. He probably won't take kindly to it and may even express some anger, but it's truly his problem, not yours. I'm not saying this to be mean or disrespectful to anyone. I'm saying all this from experience. I've learned never to loan or give more money than I can afford to loose. If I get it back, that's great, but if I don't, well I did it out of kindness and someday it will come back to me tenfold.

Take care of yourself!


sabby

Don't give one more cent to anybody for any reason!! Listen to the respondents here with excellent advice. When you start giving money away the news spreads like wildfire, that's why those other "friends" are flocking to you. Your real friends won't ask you for money. If you don't have real friends yet, look elsewhere.

[demonicAngel]

If they are harrassing you can get no contact orders or if lucky search online for places to move and groups that may help pay for the move.i wish you best of luck:-)